I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy that posed three questions. The patient was a man who had been paralyzed from neck down in an accident. The doctor was asking if he wished to be taken off of life support as he would never be able to live without machines to breathe for him. To confirm that he wished to be taken off of the machines he was asked three questions:
Do you know who you are?
Do you know what's happened to you?
Do you want to live this way?
It shocked me just how appropriate these questions were for a compulsive overeater. Really, for any addict. Before program the answer to all those questions was a resounding no.
I didn't know who I was. Indeed, I spent nearly every waking moment trying to avoid figuring that out. I ate, I drank, I played excessive video games, I read, I did anything and everything to not think about who I was.
I didn't know what had happened to me. I woke up one day and I was 305 pounds. Sure I saw myself getting larger and larger, but somehow it still snuck up on me. I kept expecting that tomorrow would be different - tomorrow I'd find the will to change. Tomorrow I'd eat healthy and exercise. I'd suddenly know how to act and be like other people. But tomorrow never came. So I got a gastric bypass. I lost the weight but it came right back on. And again tomorrow never came.
The only thing I knew before program was that I didn't want to live this way. I couldn't live this way. I was hopeless. I was desperate. I was completely unwilling to surrender my life and will to the care of a power greater than myself. It took the complete and total annihilation of my willingness to live before I was able to put down the reigns and hand over control.
That day I waved the white flag and got a sponsor. That's when the miracle happened. How different today is. I went from 305 pounds down to the 169 pounds I weighed today (and I'm still losing). I went from a size 24 to a size 10. A size XXXL to a size M. I went from constantly depressed and angry to a genuinely happy, optimistic person. My life has never been better.
I now can confidently answer all three of those questions with a yes. I discovered that the answer was surrender. Sweet, simple surrender.
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Friday, April 11, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Full of Feelings - And Right-Sizing Them
I've had a bit of an emotional week. After much prayer and meditation, I realized that I needed to have a frank discussion with my boyfriend about what being with an addict entails. I talked to him about the possibility of relapse, and what that could look like.
Being a compulsive overeater, my relapse looks very different from that of the alcoholic or the drug addict. I am killing myself every bit as much as those addicts when I am in my disease. The difference is that I'm doing so in a quiet way that one simply doesn't talk about. Sure the concerned family member might note I had gained weight, or someone might ask if I was still going to meetings. But ultimately it isn't the kind of addiction that you can get court-ordered to do something about.
I asked my boyfriend if he was willing to stay knowing that relapse would always be a risk. He knows I work a strong program. He knows I am putting program first. He knows that I intend to do everything in my power to stay in the rooms, because that's where life is. But after having a slip, I knew that the only way I could continue with him was knowing that he wouldn't suddenly be blind-sided if I relapsed after we were married with children.
He took my question very seriously, and has been thinking about it all week. It isn't so much the prospect of me being obese that concerns him (while he wouldn't enjoy that aspect of relapse). What concerns him is that he will be watching me kill myself and be unable to do anything to stop it. In fact, if he tries to interfere, he may be hindering my recovery. That is the aspect that has him concerned. In his mind, that is a lot of responsibility and potential conflict. So he has not ended things, but he is taking time to truly think things over.
I appreciate that he is taking this seriously, because it is something that I take seriously. But being left in suspense is an uncomfortable and frightening place. I took the action that I felt was in the best interest of my program. Food had gotten loud and I realized it was my anxiety over how my relationship might interfere with my program. So I did what was necessary to resolve that anxiety. In the process I created a different anxiety.
Today I was feeling that perhaps it would be better to simply end the relationship. It would give me certainty and end that fear and that powerlessness that I'm so uncomfortable with. I would choose loneliness and isolation instead - those are feelings that I'm far more at home with.
Then I learned that my friend lost his battle with cancer, leaving his wife and their four children behind. Boy didn't that put my life into perspective. I'm in a huff because my boyfriend is taking time to consider whether he wants to take our relationship to a more serious level. Yet my friend's wife is mourning the loss of the love of her life. I will see my boyfriend on Friday. She will never see her husband again.
It was a very humbling and I felt ashamed to realize how ungrateful I was for the blessings in my life. I have a relationship that for today is very wonderful and beautiful, and I was willing to throw it away because of fear. I might lose him later so I'll throw him away today. . . when there are countless widows who would do anything to get just one more day with their loved ones. It is entirely possible that my boyfriend will tell me he wants to part ways when I see him this Friday. If that happens, I will wish him the best and thank my Higher Power for the time I had with him. But to throw away the possibility of a future with him simply because I was uncomfortable with the uncertainty is ridiculous.
So for a while I stopped thinking about my problems. I started thinking about those things I was grateful for. I spent time getting my emotions shrunk down to the right sizes for the situation.
Then I spent time mourning my friend, because he deserved to be mourned. I sat down alone on my sofa and I held a small conversation with him. I thanked him for the things he brought to my life, apologized for anything I could think of that might warrant an amends (and then a few things that probably didn't). I sat with a Kleenex box and said my good bye. Then I moved on to work on my program. I feel very keenly the void my friend will leave in my life, but I know that I must accept the things I cannot change. Sadly, death is one of those.
Being a compulsive overeater, my relapse looks very different from that of the alcoholic or the drug addict. I am killing myself every bit as much as those addicts when I am in my disease. The difference is that I'm doing so in a quiet way that one simply doesn't talk about. Sure the concerned family member might note I had gained weight, or someone might ask if I was still going to meetings. But ultimately it isn't the kind of addiction that you can get court-ordered to do something about.
I asked my boyfriend if he was willing to stay knowing that relapse would always be a risk. He knows I work a strong program. He knows I am putting program first. He knows that I intend to do everything in my power to stay in the rooms, because that's where life is. But after having a slip, I knew that the only way I could continue with him was knowing that he wouldn't suddenly be blind-sided if I relapsed after we were married with children.
He took my question very seriously, and has been thinking about it all week. It isn't so much the prospect of me being obese that concerns him (while he wouldn't enjoy that aspect of relapse). What concerns him is that he will be watching me kill myself and be unable to do anything to stop it. In fact, if he tries to interfere, he may be hindering my recovery. That is the aspect that has him concerned. In his mind, that is a lot of responsibility and potential conflict. So he has not ended things, but he is taking time to truly think things over.
I appreciate that he is taking this seriously, because it is something that I take seriously. But being left in suspense is an uncomfortable and frightening place. I took the action that I felt was in the best interest of my program. Food had gotten loud and I realized it was my anxiety over how my relationship might interfere with my program. So I did what was necessary to resolve that anxiety. In the process I created a different anxiety.
Today I was feeling that perhaps it would be better to simply end the relationship. It would give me certainty and end that fear and that powerlessness that I'm so uncomfortable with. I would choose loneliness and isolation instead - those are feelings that I'm far more at home with.
Then I learned that my friend lost his battle with cancer, leaving his wife and their four children behind. Boy didn't that put my life into perspective. I'm in a huff because my boyfriend is taking time to consider whether he wants to take our relationship to a more serious level. Yet my friend's wife is mourning the loss of the love of her life. I will see my boyfriend on Friday. She will never see her husband again.
It was a very humbling and I felt ashamed to realize how ungrateful I was for the blessings in my life. I have a relationship that for today is very wonderful and beautiful, and I was willing to throw it away because of fear. I might lose him later so I'll throw him away today. . . when there are countless widows who would do anything to get just one more day with their loved ones. It is entirely possible that my boyfriend will tell me he wants to part ways when I see him this Friday. If that happens, I will wish him the best and thank my Higher Power for the time I had with him. But to throw away the possibility of a future with him simply because I was uncomfortable with the uncertainty is ridiculous.
So for a while I stopped thinking about my problems. I started thinking about those things I was grateful for. I spent time getting my emotions shrunk down to the right sizes for the situation.
Then I spent time mourning my friend, because he deserved to be mourned. I sat down alone on my sofa and I held a small conversation with him. I thanked him for the things he brought to my life, apologized for anything I could think of that might warrant an amends (and then a few things that probably didn't). I sat with a Kleenex box and said my good bye. Then I moved on to work on my program. I feel very keenly the void my friend will leave in my life, but I know that I must accept the things I cannot change. Sadly, death is one of those.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Why Sponsoring Yourself Fails and Facing Relapse
After a span of 15 months of solid abstinence, I slipped. I have plenty of excuses for why it happened. I was exhausted. I was distracted. But the fact remains that my 2-year-old son left part of a cookie on the floor. I was cleaning up the assortment of cheerios, pretzels, fruit snacks, grapes, and other detritus he'd dropped on the floor that afternoon when I picked up a piece of cookie and popped it in my mouth.
Had it stopped there, I may have salvaged my abstinence. But once the cookie piece was in my mouth the curious insanity set in. "It's already in my mouth, I might as well eat it." We all have moments where we pop a food item in our mouth unthinking. When this has happened to me in the past, I have spit out the food item and told my sponsor about it. Well this time I was between sponsors - meaning I was my own sponsor. I'll give you a hint - sponsoring yourself doesn't work. Because you see, as my own sponsor, I told myself, "It's already in your mouth, you might as well eat it."
It was a slippery slide from there. I bought my boyfriend a box of doughnuts. My son took one and was done with it. Well I wrapped it in a napkin and threw it away. In a weak moment, I figured out that I had enough calories left in my daily budget to eat that doughnut. Since it had been carefully wrapped before finding its way into the trash can, I figured it was fair game to eat. Never mind that my baseline abstinence is no flour, no sugar, no compulsive eating behaviors (i.e., eating off the floor and pulling items out of the trash can). I counted that as an abstinent treat because I budgeted for it in my calories. I hadn't felt triggered by the cookie, and that doughnut hadn't set me off on a binge, so clearly I could handle flour and sugar again. But to be safe I wouldn't eat any breads or salty treats - that might not go over as well. I was the man who believed it safe to drink whiskey with his milk from the Big Book.
The next thing I knew, a few days later I went to the store and purchased six more doughnuts. I budgeted them into my calories but wound up eating them all in one day. So instead of a calorie cap for a day, I started using my calorie cap for the week. I ate all six doughnuts, but now I was struggling to find a way to control my calories for the week. Well then I started to look at my "average calories on plan" - this is something in my calorie counting application that tells me how many calories I typically am over or under budget per day over the span of my tracking period. Now I figured as long as I averaged out being under calories I'd be fine. So I bought and ate a dozen doughnuts over the course of two days.
When I got on the scale I discovered that in three weeks I had managed to gain eight pounds by steadily eating up the calorie deficits that I'd spent three months accumulating. It was time to face the music. I knew that my abstinence had been broken and I was in relapse. So I did what any compulsive eater would do. I went to the grocery store, picked up about $50 worth of binge foods, and took them home. My son sat with me as I ate two Twinkies, a Hostess cupcake, a store made chocolate chip cookie, and about 9 Oreos. (While eating I discovered they no longer tasted that good, much to my disappointment.)
It was then my son's bed time. I got up to give him a bath and discovered I felt buzzed. Being an alcoholic, I used to laugh when people described getting a buzz from food, but I honestly felt like I'd been drinking a bottle or two of wine. I had a strong buzz. I got sober when I got abstinent, so the two had always overlapped. Now I knew that I was feeling that sugar high people spoke about. I was high and I hated the feeling. I gave my son a bath feeling completely numbed out and disconnected. It was like life had lost its color, and I didn't want any more of that feeling. I spent so many days wishing for sweet oblivion while I went through the pain of writing my fourth step, and here I was with that sweet oblivion and I discovered there was nothing sweet about it.
So I put my son in bed and proceeded to throw out the rest of the binge foods. I then picked up the phone and asked someone to be my sponsor.
When I first came into program I was suicidal and so desperate for help that handing my life over to the care of my sponsor was an incredible relief. This time I wasn't holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was living my life working the steps. I was doing daily 10th steps. I was praying and meditating. I was saying the serenity prayer when things got difficult. What I wasn't doing was being honest with myself. As soon as that honest appraisal happened, I did the most amazing thing: I picked up the phone and used my tools. I surrendered without the feeling that the world was crushing me. For this gift of willingness I can only thank my Higher Power, because with my pride there is no doubt in my mind that I didn't surrender on my own. I heard in meeting tonight that when we stop listening to God's whispers, he starts throwing bricks. God had to throw skyscrapers before I came into the rooms and got abstinent. Yet somehow I listened to the whisper over the roar of the food.
One of the horror stories we "grow up with" in program is the story of the person in relapse. When you go out, you never know how long it's going to take you to come back in. The fear of relapse is what kept me from acknowledging it for so long, because I had a fear-driven belief that relapse meant that I would gain all my weight back and more. I'm down 135 pounds from my top weight. That is a long road of pain and heart ache that I saw stretched before me.
Those stories gave me the idea that relapse was a creature with a mind of its own. I would be hijacked by my disease, helpless to stop the weight gain. I'd lose everything I'd gained in program, and gain everything I'd lost whether I wanted to or not! And yet I have four days of abstinence. The food speaks to me, but when the food talks to me, I talk to my sponsor. I make outreach calls. I do readings. I go to meetings. I am doing all those things I did before relapse when the food got loud. And I am ending each day abstinent. I will admit that I want to go back for more doughnuts. That's fine to say and fine to feel. But I don't have to act on those feelings and thoughts. As long as I let myself be guided by my Higher Power working through my sponsor, I can choose abstinence.
Today's For Today Workbook posed the question: "When has believing in the possibility of being abstinent enabled me to stay the course to better times?" The answer is: today! When I first got abstinent my sponsor told me that I didn't have to worry about tomorrow or next week or next year. All I had to worry about is today. For today, I can do anything. So when the craving for that doughnut hit me, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and whispered to myself: "Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today." It was the mantra I used before relapse, and it worked just as well today as it did then. The anxiety, the panic, the craving settled down. Because I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I believe I can follow my meal plan today. I can't tell you about tomorrow or next week or next year, but for today, I can be abstinent.
A friend of mine with over twenty years of abstinence once told me that he really only has one day: today. And for today, I've discovered that I can believe in abstinence. I don't have to surrender to relapse. I'm a compulsive overeater. I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. It is the first step, and it's just as true day one abstinent as it is day 500 or 5,000. I can't. God can. I think I'll let God.
Had it stopped there, I may have salvaged my abstinence. But once the cookie piece was in my mouth the curious insanity set in. "It's already in my mouth, I might as well eat it." We all have moments where we pop a food item in our mouth unthinking. When this has happened to me in the past, I have spit out the food item and told my sponsor about it. Well this time I was between sponsors - meaning I was my own sponsor. I'll give you a hint - sponsoring yourself doesn't work. Because you see, as my own sponsor, I told myself, "It's already in your mouth, you might as well eat it."
It was a slippery slide from there. I bought my boyfriend a box of doughnuts. My son took one and was done with it. Well I wrapped it in a napkin and threw it away. In a weak moment, I figured out that I had enough calories left in my daily budget to eat that doughnut. Since it had been carefully wrapped before finding its way into the trash can, I figured it was fair game to eat. Never mind that my baseline abstinence is no flour, no sugar, no compulsive eating behaviors (i.e., eating off the floor and pulling items out of the trash can). I counted that as an abstinent treat because I budgeted for it in my calories. I hadn't felt triggered by the cookie, and that doughnut hadn't set me off on a binge, so clearly I could handle flour and sugar again. But to be safe I wouldn't eat any breads or salty treats - that might not go over as well. I was the man who believed it safe to drink whiskey with his milk from the Big Book.
The next thing I knew, a few days later I went to the store and purchased six more doughnuts. I budgeted them into my calories but wound up eating them all in one day. So instead of a calorie cap for a day, I started using my calorie cap for the week. I ate all six doughnuts, but now I was struggling to find a way to control my calories for the week. Well then I started to look at my "average calories on plan" - this is something in my calorie counting application that tells me how many calories I typically am over or under budget per day over the span of my tracking period. Now I figured as long as I averaged out being under calories I'd be fine. So I bought and ate a dozen doughnuts over the course of two days.
When I got on the scale I discovered that in three weeks I had managed to gain eight pounds by steadily eating up the calorie deficits that I'd spent three months accumulating. It was time to face the music. I knew that my abstinence had been broken and I was in relapse. So I did what any compulsive eater would do. I went to the grocery store, picked up about $50 worth of binge foods, and took them home. My son sat with me as I ate two Twinkies, a Hostess cupcake, a store made chocolate chip cookie, and about 9 Oreos. (While eating I discovered they no longer tasted that good, much to my disappointment.)
It was then my son's bed time. I got up to give him a bath and discovered I felt buzzed. Being an alcoholic, I used to laugh when people described getting a buzz from food, but I honestly felt like I'd been drinking a bottle or two of wine. I had a strong buzz. I got sober when I got abstinent, so the two had always overlapped. Now I knew that I was feeling that sugar high people spoke about. I was high and I hated the feeling. I gave my son a bath feeling completely numbed out and disconnected. It was like life had lost its color, and I didn't want any more of that feeling. I spent so many days wishing for sweet oblivion while I went through the pain of writing my fourth step, and here I was with that sweet oblivion and I discovered there was nothing sweet about it.
So I put my son in bed and proceeded to throw out the rest of the binge foods. I then picked up the phone and asked someone to be my sponsor.
When I first came into program I was suicidal and so desperate for help that handing my life over to the care of my sponsor was an incredible relief. This time I wasn't holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was living my life working the steps. I was doing daily 10th steps. I was praying and meditating. I was saying the serenity prayer when things got difficult. What I wasn't doing was being honest with myself. As soon as that honest appraisal happened, I did the most amazing thing: I picked up the phone and used my tools. I surrendered without the feeling that the world was crushing me. For this gift of willingness I can only thank my Higher Power, because with my pride there is no doubt in my mind that I didn't surrender on my own. I heard in meeting tonight that when we stop listening to God's whispers, he starts throwing bricks. God had to throw skyscrapers before I came into the rooms and got abstinent. Yet somehow I listened to the whisper over the roar of the food.
One of the horror stories we "grow up with" in program is the story of the person in relapse. When you go out, you never know how long it's going to take you to come back in. The fear of relapse is what kept me from acknowledging it for so long, because I had a fear-driven belief that relapse meant that I would gain all my weight back and more. I'm down 135 pounds from my top weight. That is a long road of pain and heart ache that I saw stretched before me.
Those stories gave me the idea that relapse was a creature with a mind of its own. I would be hijacked by my disease, helpless to stop the weight gain. I'd lose everything I'd gained in program, and gain everything I'd lost whether I wanted to or not! And yet I have four days of abstinence. The food speaks to me, but when the food talks to me, I talk to my sponsor. I make outreach calls. I do readings. I go to meetings. I am doing all those things I did before relapse when the food got loud. And I am ending each day abstinent. I will admit that I want to go back for more doughnuts. That's fine to say and fine to feel. But I don't have to act on those feelings and thoughts. As long as I let myself be guided by my Higher Power working through my sponsor, I can choose abstinence.
Today's For Today Workbook posed the question: "When has believing in the possibility of being abstinent enabled me to stay the course to better times?" The answer is: today! When I first got abstinent my sponsor told me that I didn't have to worry about tomorrow or next week or next year. All I had to worry about is today. For today, I can do anything. So when the craving for that doughnut hit me, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and whispered to myself: "Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today." It was the mantra I used before relapse, and it worked just as well today as it did then. The anxiety, the panic, the craving settled down. Because I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I believe I can follow my meal plan today. I can't tell you about tomorrow or next week or next year, but for today, I can be abstinent.
A friend of mine with over twenty years of abstinence once told me that he really only has one day: today. And for today, I've discovered that I can believe in abstinence. I don't have to surrender to relapse. I'm a compulsive overeater. I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. It is the first step, and it's just as true day one abstinent as it is day 500 or 5,000. I can't. God can. I think I'll let God.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
12 Steps to Total and Complete Insanity
[A spoof on the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. . .and oh so true!]
- We admitted we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.
- Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.
- Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.
- Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
- Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out".
- Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.
- Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.
- Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
- Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.
- Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.
From The ACA Communicator - March 1990 - Omaha, Council Bluffs Area Intergroup
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
The Fix
I am sad to say that when I am looking for guru style inspiration, I turn to my favorite blog for a fix. I love the Big Book and the literature, but there is something a slight bit naughty about finding inspiration in "non-approved literature". It sounds like something that I should be reading with a flashlight under my covers at night! Only in this case it is a blog by a man who has been over 20 years sober in AA.
The thing I love about speaker meetings is that I almost invariably go away with one sentence that is going to pop back in my head when I most need it. I heard one speaker refer to these as "God shots" - and he always waited to hear his God shot of the day. [See what I did there?]
I have learned in my brief time in program that the people with years of abstinence have been absorbing years of God shots that they drop like bread crumbs for us newbies to follow. Which points out two things: 1) how important it is to have these old timers around to help us youngins, and 2) just how badass and awesome I am going to sound in a few years when I can drop thesestolen borrowed gems of wisdom in meetings and blow the minds of the newcomers.
My God shot today came after a discussion with a family friend who is going on 22 years sober in AA. We were talking about the tendency to replace our addictions. So of course, up pops a blog entry dealing with the same subject. The post is about what old timers mean when they say The Road Gets Narrower, and here is the quote that stood out to me:
"When it comes to "fixing" here's the secret, and I learned it the hard way: I will never be able to change how I feel by trying to take something in. I will never be able to let go of the fear or the resentment by consuming -- be it food or goods or people. I cannot fill the hole inside by taking things in -- the only way to shrink the hole is to reverse the flow. It's by giving (of myself, of my time, or my experience, to help others) that I am healed and literally "fixed", that I am filled -- not by taking in." - Mr. Sponsorpants
The thing I love about speaker meetings is that I almost invariably go away with one sentence that is going to pop back in my head when I most need it. I heard one speaker refer to these as "God shots" - and he always waited to hear his God shot of the day. [See what I did there?]
I have learned in my brief time in program that the people with years of abstinence have been absorbing years of God shots that they drop like bread crumbs for us newbies to follow. Which points out two things: 1) how important it is to have these old timers around to help us youngins, and 2) just how badass and awesome I am going to sound in a few years when I can drop these
My God shot today came after a discussion with a family friend who is going on 22 years sober in AA. We were talking about the tendency to replace our addictions. So of course, up pops a blog entry dealing with the same subject. The post is about what old timers mean when they say The Road Gets Narrower, and here is the quote that stood out to me:
"When it comes to "fixing" here's the secret, and I learned it the hard way: I will never be able to change how I feel by trying to take something in. I will never be able to let go of the fear or the resentment by consuming -- be it food or goods or people. I cannot fill the hole inside by taking things in -- the only way to shrink the hole is to reverse the flow. It's by giving (of myself, of my time, or my experience, to help others) that I am healed and literally "fixed", that I am filled -- not by taking in." - Mr. Sponsorpants
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Knowing How To Listen
Lately I've found that God has been talking to me quite regularly. Not in the literal "I hear God's voice and he told me that he likes cats and cheeseburgers" kind of way, but in the more subtle way that I think he's always tried to speak to me. I just didn't know how to listen.
A few months ago, before I'd even started to contemplate sending my son to preschool, the manager at my grocery store noticed I was buying baby food and mentioned how amazing this one local preschool was. I smiled, thanked him, and waited patiently as he wrote down the name for me. I saved the piece of paper but it was out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Last week, I decided it was about time to do something about that preschool issue. Knowing my brother is one to research everything, I asked where he took my niece for preschool. He said not to send my son to that preschool - the other parents around there are pretty awful but they didn't discover that until my niece had already made friends and they didn't want her to be forced to make new friends at a different preschool. So my sister-in-law told me about the same preschool as the manager of the grocery store!
I call the program and ask for more information. I am now scheduled for a Valentine's Day tour of the school at 10am. While looking at the paperwork she sent me, I thought that the school was probably a bit more money than I wanted to spend. After discussion, my husband agreed. But instead of calling to cancel my spot at the tour I decided to check the school out just in case. I didn't know why I wanted to bother - I'd already decided against it - but I listened to my instinct and went.
I didn't just like the school, I loved the school. Hell, I want to be 2 years old to start with their itty bitty preschool program too! I told my husband what I saw and he was as excited as I was. So we got all the paperwork filled out and turned in. It's in God's hands now whether they take my son. If not this year, then maybe next year!
After the tour of the preschool, I was scheduled to moderate a phone meeting for OA. We were holding a Valentine's Day marathon. The topic was the love of others, so after some thought I decided to pass along the Big Book pages my sponsor assigns for dealing with resentment [the condensed chunk is pages 60-62, 66-67, 417 and 552]. I wasn't sure how the meeting went because only four people were sharing. I'd gotten good stuff out of the meeting, but shrugged and decided that having been of service was good enough for me.
I went to get dinner for my husband and I at my usual drive-thru. For whatever reason, they didn't hear me order my husband's food. So I went to another drive-thru that my husband likes [and isn't abstinent for me] to get him food. Had I been listening, I would have broken one of the twenties in my wallet because I didn't have smaller change for my meeting that night! I had two chances to break that twenty, but I didn't take it!
Later that night [after all the submitting of forms and getting other forms to the doctor's office etc. etc. etc.] I went to meet my sponsor in a farther off meeting. While in the car, the songs on the radio were all ones that I didn't particularly care for. So I switched from station to station to station looking for something to listen to. Finally, I thought about the marathon of meetings. Smiling, I called in. The second share after I signed into the phone meeting was from a woman who had attended my earlier meeting. She mentioned in passing how it had been exactly what she needed to hear and she said it was a wonderful meeting. The woman didn't know I was in call, so this was a huge compliment. It made me feel so much better.
I attended meeting, ended up giving $12 because I hadn't gotten change for that $20 earlier [I figure that will be my contribution for the next few phone meetings - they ask you to give double at your next meeting]. After the meeting, I followed my sponsor to our abstinent restaurant to do some step work in the Big Book. On the drive, I kept thinking about what I was going to do for the marathon meeting I was going to be leading on Monday. Our President's Day theme is service. As my sponsor took me through the preface and forwards, she had me write "service" in the margins next to every portion which discussed the work people did to grow the fellowship and carry the message on - pointing out that these people did this to stay sober. I didn't tell her about the prompt, this just was what she wanted me to be getting from those pages. And on the way home, I smiled and thanked God.
So I attended a tour that I didn't otherwise want to go on because of a hunch - and God showed me that this is where I should send my son. Thank you for giving me an open mind, God!
I was concerned that I hadn't done a good job on my meeting, so God nudges me into the phone call in time to hear one of the women in my call share with others how wonderful my meeting had been. Thank you for allowing me to hear that, God!
You tried to remind me to break that $20. I'm sorry I wasn't listening, God.
I asked you for help preparing for a meeting. Thank you for showing me the way through my sponsor, God!
I never used to believe in a Higher Power that cared about what I was doing or what happened to me. The trick was just knowing how to listen!
A few months ago, before I'd even started to contemplate sending my son to preschool, the manager at my grocery store noticed I was buying baby food and mentioned how amazing this one local preschool was. I smiled, thanked him, and waited patiently as he wrote down the name for me. I saved the piece of paper but it was out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Last week, I decided it was about time to do something about that preschool issue. Knowing my brother is one to research everything, I asked where he took my niece for preschool. He said not to send my son to that preschool - the other parents around there are pretty awful but they didn't discover that until my niece had already made friends and they didn't want her to be forced to make new friends at a different preschool. So my sister-in-law told me about the same preschool as the manager of the grocery store!
I call the program and ask for more information. I am now scheduled for a Valentine's Day tour of the school at 10am. While looking at the paperwork she sent me, I thought that the school was probably a bit more money than I wanted to spend. After discussion, my husband agreed. But instead of calling to cancel my spot at the tour I decided to check the school out just in case. I didn't know why I wanted to bother - I'd already decided against it - but I listened to my instinct and went.
I didn't just like the school, I loved the school. Hell, I want to be 2 years old to start with their itty bitty preschool program too! I told my husband what I saw and he was as excited as I was. So we got all the paperwork filled out and turned in. It's in God's hands now whether they take my son. If not this year, then maybe next year!
After the tour of the preschool, I was scheduled to moderate a phone meeting for OA. We were holding a Valentine's Day marathon. The topic was the love of others, so after some thought I decided to pass along the Big Book pages my sponsor assigns for dealing with resentment [the condensed chunk is pages 60-62, 66-67, 417 and 552]. I wasn't sure how the meeting went because only four people were sharing. I'd gotten good stuff out of the meeting, but shrugged and decided that having been of service was good enough for me.
I went to get dinner for my husband and I at my usual drive-thru. For whatever reason, they didn't hear me order my husband's food. So I went to another drive-thru that my husband likes [and isn't abstinent for me] to get him food. Had I been listening, I would have broken one of the twenties in my wallet because I didn't have smaller change for my meeting that night! I had two chances to break that twenty, but I didn't take it!
Later that night [after all the submitting of forms and getting other forms to the doctor's office etc. etc. etc.] I went to meet my sponsor in a farther off meeting. While in the car, the songs on the radio were all ones that I didn't particularly care for. So I switched from station to station to station looking for something to listen to. Finally, I thought about the marathon of meetings. Smiling, I called in. The second share after I signed into the phone meeting was from a woman who had attended my earlier meeting. She mentioned in passing how it had been exactly what she needed to hear and she said it was a wonderful meeting. The woman didn't know I was in call, so this was a huge compliment. It made me feel so much better.
I attended meeting, ended up giving $12 because I hadn't gotten change for that $20 earlier [I figure that will be my contribution for the next few phone meetings - they ask you to give double at your next meeting]. After the meeting, I followed my sponsor to our abstinent restaurant to do some step work in the Big Book. On the drive, I kept thinking about what I was going to do for the marathon meeting I was going to be leading on Monday. Our President's Day theme is service. As my sponsor took me through the preface and forwards, she had me write "service" in the margins next to every portion which discussed the work people did to grow the fellowship and carry the message on - pointing out that these people did this to stay sober. I didn't tell her about the prompt, this just was what she wanted me to be getting from those pages. And on the way home, I smiled and thanked God.
So I attended a tour that I didn't otherwise want to go on because of a hunch - and God showed me that this is where I should send my son. Thank you for giving me an open mind, God!
I was concerned that I hadn't done a good job on my meeting, so God nudges me into the phone call in time to hear one of the women in my call share with others how wonderful my meeting had been. Thank you for allowing me to hear that, God!
You tried to remind me to break that $20. I'm sorry I wasn't listening, God.
I asked you for help preparing for a meeting. Thank you for showing me the way through my sponsor, God!
I never used to believe in a Higher Power that cared about what I was doing or what happened to me. The trick was just knowing how to listen!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
"Every prayer is answered. Sometimes, however, the answer is 'no.'" - Mr. Sponsorpants
The Big Book tells us to avoid praying for our own selfish desires: "We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends." - Big Book, page 87
That is far easier said than done. Since reading that, I have tried to be conscious of what I am praying for each time I address my Higher Power. I have found that the vast majority of my entreaties are about things like, "please let that light stay green long enough for me to get through" or "please let the DVR have recorded my show this week!" You know, thebig, important selfish, minor things. Things that will cater to my own comfort and desires. I am working on consciously avoiding these kinds of prayers. Frankly, if I'm going to get divine intervention, I'd rather use it for something big like: "please let my cancer be curable" or "please don't let my house catch on fire."
There are then the mixed prayers, things like "please let the baby sleep through the night" or "please don't let me be late for my dentist appointment." There are quantifiable reasons why these prayers would help others. My son needs to get his sleep for his health and growth. If I am late for the dentist appointment it is likely to throw off the dental office's schedule putting them behind for the whole day. I can say these prayers are helpful to others, but really what I am praying for are sleep and the lack of embarrassment respectively. For the reasons above, I think these need to be minimized.
But there are other kinds of mixed prayers that I think definitely get the green light. For example, "please don't let my baby catch the flu" or "please let my husband's blood test results come back negative for [insert disease here]." I definitely have a personal stake in the health and well-being of my loved ones. If my baby gets sick that means I am going to be caring for him round the clock, and likely will be sick as well. Additionally, if my husband has some kind of illness, you can bet I'm going to hear about it ad nauseum if I'm not an active participant in the recovery process. But in those instances, the prayers are directed toward the fact that I want my family to be healthy for no other reason than that I love them and wish the best for them.
So I am hoping that if I cut out the selfish, unimportant prayers I will have better chances that my important prayers aren't going to get "no" as the answer.
The Big Book tells us to avoid praying for our own selfish desires: "We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends." - Big Book, page 87
That is far easier said than done. Since reading that, I have tried to be conscious of what I am praying for each time I address my Higher Power. I have found that the vast majority of my entreaties are about things like, "please let that light stay green long enough for me to get through" or "please let the DVR have recorded my show this week!" You know, the
There are then the mixed prayers, things like "please let the baby sleep through the night" or "please don't let me be late for my dentist appointment." There are quantifiable reasons why these prayers would help others. My son needs to get his sleep for his health and growth. If I am late for the dentist appointment it is likely to throw off the dental office's schedule putting them behind for the whole day. I can say these prayers are helpful to others, but really what I am praying for are sleep and the lack of embarrassment respectively. For the reasons above, I think these need to be minimized.
But there are other kinds of mixed prayers that I think definitely get the green light. For example, "please don't let my baby catch the flu" or "please let my husband's blood test results come back negative for [insert disease here]." I definitely have a personal stake in the health and well-being of my loved ones. If my baby gets sick that means I am going to be caring for him round the clock, and likely will be sick as well. Additionally, if my husband has some kind of illness, you can bet I'm going to hear about it ad nauseum if I'm not an active participant in the recovery process. But in those instances, the prayers are directed toward the fact that I want my family to be healthy for no other reason than that I love them and wish the best for them.
So I am hoping that if I cut out the selfish, unimportant prayers I will have better chances that my important prayers aren't going to get "no" as the answer.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Relationship With God
This is an excerpt from a blog written by an incredible young woman named Sheila.
"Having a relationship with an infinite, all-knowing, all-powerful being who doesn't talk back is really, really hard.
This post is to summarize those things I do know about God. Some of them are things I know by instinct; others I have to remind myself over and over again, because there's a part of me that can't quite wrap my head around them. I find myself just defaulting to Jerk-God because the real God is just too puzzling to understand.
What do I know about God?
First, I know his definition. He is the creator of all things. That is what most people mean when they say "God." I tend to explain by saying that all things we know of in this world have a temporal beginning and a cause. But we know, because the universe is here at all, that something had to come behind all these causes -- something different, something that didn't have a temporal beginning or a cause. . . .
And when I look at the created world, really look at it, I feel like the person who made all these things is someone I would very much like. I mean, think about it. He could have created us like the plants, just needing some sunshine but never having to eat. But he made us able to bite into a juicy steak or crunchy apple. We could have reproduced by budding, but he gave us sex, pregnancy, birth -- things so weird and wonderful I sometimes imagine the trouble I would have explaining them to aliens. He didn't paint everything with a broad brush; every detail of creation is worked out perfectly, so that no microscope can see the infinitesimally small but absolutely organized structure of everything.
This comforts me more than anything. I know that Jerk-God could never create this wonder. Jerk-God would have had the world be so much less fun. Real God gave us a place we could really delight in, because he wanted us to be happy.
Someone who would go to the trouble of all that creating wasn't going to be happy just setting us on our way and letting us go. He wanted to have an actual relationship with us. Now I think we all know that it's impossible to have a real relationship that's forced in any way. God made us able to say no to him. . . .
This God is someone who is awfully eager to get to know us. . . .
I was struggling internally a few weeks ago with all this when [her son] started singing to himself. He sang a song from Mr. Rogers: "It's you I like, the way you are right now, way down deep inside you." I couldn't help but think, "If Mr. Rogers can love me just the way I am, what kind of person is God if he can't manage the same?"
It's hard to believe in this. It is so, so hard to believe that at the same moment a person could know everything about you, and I mean everything ... and at the same time love you. It's hard to believe that there could be a person who couldn't deceive or be deceived, who is pure unchanging truth ... and at the same time love you.
We tend to pick one or the other, love OR truth. Either God lies and says everything I do is a-okay and I never do anything wrong, in which case he can love me, or he sees the reality of what I am and the people I've hurt and the lies I've told, in which case he can't possibly love me. I think this is one of the mysteries of God that we'll never fully understand, how he can see us and our faults and still smile at us, the way I smile at my boys, and say, "I love you just the way you are, not later when you've earned it, but right now."
All of my spiritual life . . . has been a process of trying to be worthy, to be good enough. I feel that God has made a terrible mistake by loving me, and the only way to make it right is to try to be good enough so it won't be such a mistake. . . .
. . . I want to be a better person because everyone wants to be a better person, this is a good thing to do. But God isn't my personal trainer. Sometimes he might want to talk about other stuff besides how awful I am.
In fact, I think that, if he's anything like all the other people who love me, he doesn't like hearing about how awful I am. Think how you feel, if a person you love starts bashing themselves. You want to run in and yell, "Don't talk that way about the person I love!" Why wouldn't God be the same?
To understand God, I have to redefine my terms.
God loves me.
Old definition: God tolerates me and gives me things for no apparent reason, considering how much I suck.
New definition: God actually likes me, enjoys being with me, and sees all the good in me.
God wants me to be happy.
Old definition: I'd better do what God wants, even if it makes me miserable, because if I don't things are going to be even worse.
New definition: God wants me to be happy, and if I'm not, it isn't his doing. He hates seeing me suffer, and though he can't always rush in to fix everything, he really does care about my struggles.
. . .
If God is like this, I really do want to know him. Not because I feel guilty that he loves me so much and I've loved him so little in return. God can handle that. He wouldn't have created mankind if he couldn't take a little rejection, and anyway I actually do love God at least to some extent, so it's not like he's actually getting rejected by me. The reason I want to get to know God is because he seems like the sort of person I would like to know."
"Having a relationship with an infinite, all-knowing, all-powerful being who doesn't talk back is really, really hard.
This post is to summarize those things I do know about God. Some of them are things I know by instinct; others I have to remind myself over and over again, because there's a part of me that can't quite wrap my head around them. I find myself just defaulting to Jerk-God because the real God is just too puzzling to understand.
What do I know about God?
First, I know his definition. He is the creator of all things. That is what most people mean when they say "God." I tend to explain by saying that all things we know of in this world have a temporal beginning and a cause. But we know, because the universe is here at all, that something had to come behind all these causes -- something different, something that didn't have a temporal beginning or a cause. . . .
And when I look at the created world, really look at it, I feel like the person who made all these things is someone I would very much like. I mean, think about it. He could have created us like the plants, just needing some sunshine but never having to eat. But he made us able to bite into a juicy steak or crunchy apple. We could have reproduced by budding, but he gave us sex, pregnancy, birth -- things so weird and wonderful I sometimes imagine the trouble I would have explaining them to aliens. He didn't paint everything with a broad brush; every detail of creation is worked out perfectly, so that no microscope can see the infinitesimally small but absolutely organized structure of everything.
This comforts me more than anything. I know that Jerk-God could never create this wonder. Jerk-God would have had the world be so much less fun. Real God gave us a place we could really delight in, because he wanted us to be happy.
Someone who would go to the trouble of all that creating wasn't going to be happy just setting us on our way and letting us go. He wanted to have an actual relationship with us. Now I think we all know that it's impossible to have a real relationship that's forced in any way. God made us able to say no to him. . . .
This God is someone who is awfully eager to get to know us. . . .
I was struggling internally a few weeks ago with all this when [her son] started singing to himself. He sang a song from Mr. Rogers: "It's you I like, the way you are right now, way down deep inside you." I couldn't help but think, "If Mr. Rogers can love me just the way I am, what kind of person is God if he can't manage the same?"
It's hard to believe in this. It is so, so hard to believe that at the same moment a person could know everything about you, and I mean everything ... and at the same time love you. It's hard to believe that there could be a person who couldn't deceive or be deceived, who is pure unchanging truth ... and at the same time love you.
We tend to pick one or the other, love OR truth. Either God lies and says everything I do is a-okay and I never do anything wrong, in which case he can love me, or he sees the reality of what I am and the people I've hurt and the lies I've told, in which case he can't possibly love me. I think this is one of the mysteries of God that we'll never fully understand, how he can see us and our faults and still smile at us, the way I smile at my boys, and say, "I love you just the way you are, not later when you've earned it, but right now."
All of my spiritual life . . . has been a process of trying to be worthy, to be good enough. I feel that God has made a terrible mistake by loving me, and the only way to make it right is to try to be good enough so it won't be such a mistake. . . .
. . . I want to be a better person because everyone wants to be a better person, this is a good thing to do. But God isn't my personal trainer. Sometimes he might want to talk about other stuff besides how awful I am.
In fact, I think that, if he's anything like all the other people who love me, he doesn't like hearing about how awful I am. Think how you feel, if a person you love starts bashing themselves. You want to run in and yell, "Don't talk that way about the person I love!" Why wouldn't God be the same?
To understand God, I have to redefine my terms.
God loves me.
Old definition: God tolerates me and gives me things for no apparent reason, considering how much I suck.
New definition: God actually likes me, enjoys being with me, and sees all the good in me.
God wants me to be happy.
Old definition: I'd better do what God wants, even if it makes me miserable, because if I don't things are going to be even worse.
New definition: God wants me to be happy, and if I'm not, it isn't his doing. He hates seeing me suffer, and though he can't always rush in to fix everything, he really does care about my struggles.
. . .
If God is like this, I really do want to know him. Not because I feel guilty that he loves me so much and I've loved him so little in return. God can handle that. He wouldn't have created mankind if he couldn't take a little rejection, and anyway I actually do love God at least to some extent, so it's not like he's actually getting rejected by me. The reason I want to get to know God is because he seems like the sort of person I would like to know."
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
A Conversation With My Disease
Disease: Your addiction is much worse than that of the alcoholic! You can live without alcohol, but not without food!
Me: You can live without alcoholic foods like flour and sugar, too. You can live without flour and sugar, but not without fluids to drink!
Disease: But flour and sugar are so much more pervasive than alcohol!
Me: Are you sure about that? How many social events do you go to where there are no alcoholic beverages? That toast at midnight on New Years Eve. Wine or beer with Thanksgiving dinner. Eggnog or mulled wine for Christmas. Going out for drinks with coworkers. Going to the bar to celebrate a promotion. All of those things involve alcohol. You can't even go out to dinner without having the drink menu being offered to you.
Disease: Yeah, I guess that's true. But people really push when you don't want to eat sugar or flour foods! They don't understand that you can't have them.
Me: They push when you don't want to drink too.
Disease: So maybe I'm not so different from the alcoholic, but I certainly am different from the narcotic addict! Their fix isn't even legal!
Me: That is true, but what about prescription medicine?
Disease: What about it?
Me: Narcotic addicts are going to need aspirin, antibiotics, and cold medicine just like the rest of us. Some of these medicines they are going to need to live every much as we need food to live. They need to learn to take their medications at proper intervals just like we need to learn to take meals at proper intervals.
Disease: I don't think that's the same thing at all!
Me: Are you sure about that? Once we have taken out the alcoholic foods from our meal plans, we need to focus on taking our food at proper intervals. Like us, now that the narcotics addict has taken out the illegal narcotics from their lives, they need to focus on learning to take pharmaceuticals at proper intervals. It seems like a pretty clear connection to me!
Disease: Fine. You win for now. I'm going to sit in the corner petulantly until you aren't paying attention again. Then you better watch out, because I'm going to catch you when you least expect it!
Me: My Higher Power and I will see you then.
Me: You can live without alcoholic foods like flour and sugar, too. You can live without flour and sugar, but not without fluids to drink!
Disease: But flour and sugar are so much more pervasive than alcohol!
Me: Are you sure about that? How many social events do you go to where there are no alcoholic beverages? That toast at midnight on New Years Eve. Wine or beer with Thanksgiving dinner. Eggnog or mulled wine for Christmas. Going out for drinks with coworkers. Going to the bar to celebrate a promotion. All of those things involve alcohol. You can't even go out to dinner without having the drink menu being offered to you.
Disease: Yeah, I guess that's true. But people really push when you don't want to eat sugar or flour foods! They don't understand that you can't have them.
Me: They push when you don't want to drink too.
Disease: So maybe I'm not so different from the alcoholic, but I certainly am different from the narcotic addict! Their fix isn't even legal!
Me: That is true, but what about prescription medicine?
Disease: What about it?
Me: Narcotic addicts are going to need aspirin, antibiotics, and cold medicine just like the rest of us. Some of these medicines they are going to need to live every much as we need food to live. They need to learn to take their medications at proper intervals just like we need to learn to take meals at proper intervals.
Disease: I don't think that's the same thing at all!
Me: Are you sure about that? Once we have taken out the alcoholic foods from our meal plans, we need to focus on taking our food at proper intervals. Like us, now that the narcotics addict has taken out the illegal narcotics from their lives, they need to focus on learning to take pharmaceuticals at proper intervals. It seems like a pretty clear connection to me!
Disease: Fine. You win for now. I'm going to sit in the corner petulantly until you aren't paying attention again. Then you better watch out, because I'm going to catch you when you least expect it!
Me: My Higher Power and I will see you then.
Monday, December 31, 2012
A life of Sane and Happy Usefulness
"'A life of sane and happy usefulness' is what we are promised as the result of working the Twelve Steps." - The Tools of Recovery, p. 6
"'Who would want that?' That was my reaction to reading this line for the first time. . . . I want a slim body and plenty of money, not service to others." - Voices of Recovery, p. 366
As Voices of Recovery says in today's post, we don't usually start off thinking about a spiritual solution to our problem. We think of compulsive overeating as a physical problem, and we want a relief for the physical symptom. But I know that having gained and lost the same 40-90 pounds over and over again over the last ten years that it isn't just physical. Because while I'm happy to be skinnier, the same problems that drive me to binge eat are still there. The fear and the insecurity don't melt away with the pounds, and that's what really is important. The weight is a symptom, not a disease.
This time stepping into the doors of OA I think I want the sanity and happy usefulness as much, if not more, than I want the slender body. I want to feel up to doing the things for my family that my mother did for hers. I want to be that woman, not the one who is too selfish or too lazy to do anything and everything her children need. So with gratitude I say: "yes please."
"'Who would want that?' That was my reaction to reading this line for the first time. . . . I want a slim body and plenty of money, not service to others." - Voices of Recovery, p. 366
As Voices of Recovery says in today's post, we don't usually start off thinking about a spiritual solution to our problem. We think of compulsive overeating as a physical problem, and we want a relief for the physical symptom. But I know that having gained and lost the same 40-90 pounds over and over again over the last ten years that it isn't just physical. Because while I'm happy to be skinnier, the same problems that drive me to binge eat are still there. The fear and the insecurity don't melt away with the pounds, and that's what really is important. The weight is a symptom, not a disease.
This time stepping into the doors of OA I think I want the sanity and happy usefulness as much, if not more, than I want the slender body. I want to feel up to doing the things for my family that my mother did for hers. I want to be that woman, not the one who is too selfish or too lazy to do anything and everything her children need. So with gratitude I say: "yes please."
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The Serentiy Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
This excerpt talks about applying the serenity prayer to every day problems. In doing so, the exercise "brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God's presence." - Voices of Recovery, page 365.
I started doing this last week. I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was dog-sitting for a friend. As I was getting ready to go to sleep, I kept hearing the dogs licking their paws. The sound was driving me crazy. I tried yelling at the dogs, I tried distracting them. I was about ready to put socks on the dogs to keep them from their paws. But as I sat there, I remembered the serenity prayer. So I repeated it to myself over and over again until I no longer felt like kicking the dogs outside [they are indoor dogs and it was cold]. I suddenly found I could ignore the licking and go to sleep. What a relief.
Today when I was reading about the fourth step, I felt complete and utter panic. The concept of sharing everything about myself with my sponsor was just horrifying. But reading the serenity prayer I started to feel calmer. I need to work the fourth step. I can't change that, and I can't change the things I've done in the past. I theoretically could run away and leave program, but I'm not willing to do that. I am going to do whatever it takes to find recovery. So here I am. Worrying about the upcoming fourth step isn't going to do anything to help me today. So I am letting it go. I'm going to hand the fear and the worry over to my Higher Power, and I'm going to go to sleep.
This excerpt talks about applying the serenity prayer to every day problems. In doing so, the exercise "brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God's presence." - Voices of Recovery, page 365.
I started doing this last week. I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was dog-sitting for a friend. As I was getting ready to go to sleep, I kept hearing the dogs licking their paws. The sound was driving me crazy. I tried yelling at the dogs, I tried distracting them. I was about ready to put socks on the dogs to keep them from their paws. But as I sat there, I remembered the serenity prayer. So I repeated it to myself over and over again until I no longer felt like kicking the dogs outside [they are indoor dogs and it was cold]. I suddenly found I could ignore the licking and go to sleep. What a relief.
Today when I was reading about the fourth step, I felt complete and utter panic. The concept of sharing everything about myself with my sponsor was just horrifying. But reading the serenity prayer I started to feel calmer. I need to work the fourth step. I can't change that, and I can't change the things I've done in the past. I theoretically could run away and leave program, but I'm not willing to do that. I am going to do whatever it takes to find recovery. So here I am. Worrying about the upcoming fourth step isn't going to do anything to help me today. So I am letting it go. I'm going to hand the fear and the worry over to my Higher Power, and I'm going to go to sleep.
God and the Willingness to be Willing
Today I sat in on a phone meeting that I normally would not have attended because I am going to be having [abstinent] dinner with family friends. So it came as a surprise that the meeting topic was something that had been on my mind all day: the willingness to be willing.
To go back a step, I want to talk a bit about my abstinence. I love my sponsor, and I love my program. When I came into program this second time I wanted to be in the driver's seat. I saw the program as a tool that I could use in building my own recovery. But after 2 months of being abstinent with my own program and not seeing any improvement, I realized that I couldn't do this alone.
So I told myself I couldn't just wait for the right sponsor to drop into my lap. I would pick up the first sponsor I could and just run with it until I found my perfect sponsor. The very next meeting I attended, my sponsor's close friend was the speaker. I listened to his story and thought he was really wonderful. He had so many good, helpful things to share. And my sponsor, who was present to support her friend, stood up to identify herself as a person who sponsors. It was perfect timing. The best way to describe it is that I got good vibes from her. She was lovely, slender, older than me (but not by much), and I just had a natural inclination to like her (and have since discovered that she is warm, loving, supportive, and funny as well - I hit sponsor gold). My gut instinct said "yes please." So I approached her at the break and she started to tell me a bit about her program, promising to go over it the next day with me on the phone.
When I heard just how strict my abstinence program would be, my first thought was complete and utter horror. I didn't want to hand over control! I wanted someone who I would be accountable to, not someone who wanted to run the show! I wasn't ready for this, and my husband wasn't ready for the craziness to start right before our vacation. So I put it off until we got back.
Knowing I'd be starting fresh at day 1 as a beginner, I went on that vacation and thought "what the hell, screw my abstinence. I don't get credit for it anyway!" (Because, of course, abstinence only counts if someone is watching. . .) And I went wild. It was the last hurrah of last hurrahs. I ate myself silly and managed to gain nearly ten pounds that week. By the time I got back, I was finally defeated. I'd been miserable letting my disease drive, and I didn't know how I could stop! I needed help and I was finally ready to surrender. The phrase "willing to go to any length" suddenly had real meaning for me: I would do anything to not live in the state of compulsive overeating torture one more day.
It turns out that my sponsor is exactly what I needed. I discovered that surrendering my food to her was the only way I would find sanity. My sponsor arrived in my life at the exact moment I needed her, in the exact manner I needed her to, and with the exact program I needed. It was thinking about her that I was able to make the connection to God. I'd always had a notion that a God was out there, but I'd never felt he took any particular interest in individuals. But realizing the serendipity of meeting my sponsor, I suddenly knew that God had put her there for me to find. He'd heard my prayer and he'd answered it just when I needed it most. He knew what and when and how - and He made it happen just right.
Well fast forward through seventeen blissful abstinent days living on the pink cloud and I am speaking to a beloved family friend. She is desperate to return to program, and she told me how she needs a sponsor. Well, she asked me about my program, so I told her what my days are like. Immediately she began to go through the same objections that rose to my mind: she didn't want to hand over the steering wheel. She wanted to be driving her own recovery. But that wasn't true - she wanted to have a reasonable abstinence, just a different one from my own.
So when I left her house I made a call to my sponsor and my three outreach people, leaving a message to ask them to keep an eye out for a sponsor with the characteristics my friend was looking for. Even if she never picks up the phone or doesn't pick up the phone to call the people I find for her any time in the next X number of months or years, I'll have done my best to help her find the help she wants. I also gave her the information on how to find online and phone meetings [since she is often too depressed to leave the house].
But the first thought that went through my head was that she was not willing to go to any lengths for her recovery. She wasn't willing to be willing. And this thought has been stewing with me ever since. Just like no two people are the same, no two recoveries are either. So who am I to doubt her. Maybe she is ready, she just needs something different than I do. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no one right answer. As yesterday's Voices of Recovery pointed out, the problem is within. No one has the answers, they don't even know the question.
I am far too ready to look into other people's lives and other people's recoveries and think about what it is they should be doing. But I am not in charge of their lives or their recoveries. That's God's job, not mine. There was a great quote from my Thursday night meeting: "The only thing I need to know about God is I'm not Him."
So while I'm thinking that she isn't willing to surrender, that her ego is going to get in the way unless she finds that willingness - I realized that I am showing that same ego I was internally accusing her of displaying. Here I stand with my whopping seventeen days of abstinence feeling so high and mighty and proud of myself. Like I have all the answers and have found the cure. In reality, I should be the one eating humble pie!
Listening to the readings in that meeting tonight, as well as the shares, helped me realize what was bothering me about the situation with my friend. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with her, it was that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was doing good by trying to be of service to her - helping her locate a potential sponsor and find meetings. Being supportive of her and explaining that there are many ways of finding abstinence, not just my own. But deep down I was being prideful. It was my pride that was making the gesture feel hollow, not the doubts about her ability or willingness to accept the help. My sponsor assigned supplemental readings to deal with my issues with my in-laws, but it applied to this problem as well.
What keeps striking me is the random luck of my meetings. It always seems like these meetings cover exactly the subjects I am needing that day. It just makes me realize that God is talking to me, I just need to stop talking and listen.
I realized that I'm willing to let God run the show in my own recovery, but I need to be willing to be willing to let God do the rest of his job. Because if I can't manage my own life, I have no business managing anyone elses life either!
To go back a step, I want to talk a bit about my abstinence. I love my sponsor, and I love my program. When I came into program this second time I wanted to be in the driver's seat. I saw the program as a tool that I could use in building my own recovery. But after 2 months of being abstinent with my own program and not seeing any improvement, I realized that I couldn't do this alone.
So I told myself I couldn't just wait for the right sponsor to drop into my lap. I would pick up the first sponsor I could and just run with it until I found my perfect sponsor. The very next meeting I attended, my sponsor's close friend was the speaker. I listened to his story and thought he was really wonderful. He had so many good, helpful things to share. And my sponsor, who was present to support her friend, stood up to identify herself as a person who sponsors. It was perfect timing. The best way to describe it is that I got good vibes from her. She was lovely, slender, older than me (but not by much), and I just had a natural inclination to like her (and have since discovered that she is warm, loving, supportive, and funny as well - I hit sponsor gold). My gut instinct said "yes please." So I approached her at the break and she started to tell me a bit about her program, promising to go over it the next day with me on the phone.
When I heard just how strict my abstinence program would be, my first thought was complete and utter horror. I didn't want to hand over control! I wanted someone who I would be accountable to, not someone who wanted to run the show! I wasn't ready for this, and my husband wasn't ready for the craziness to start right before our vacation. So I put it off until we got back.
Knowing I'd be starting fresh at day 1 as a beginner, I went on that vacation and thought "what the hell, screw my abstinence. I don't get credit for it anyway!" (Because, of course, abstinence only counts if someone is watching. . .) And I went wild. It was the last hurrah of last hurrahs. I ate myself silly and managed to gain nearly ten pounds that week. By the time I got back, I was finally defeated. I'd been miserable letting my disease drive, and I didn't know how I could stop! I needed help and I was finally ready to surrender. The phrase "willing to go to any length" suddenly had real meaning for me: I would do anything to not live in the state of compulsive overeating torture one more day.
It turns out that my sponsor is exactly what I needed. I discovered that surrendering my food to her was the only way I would find sanity. My sponsor arrived in my life at the exact moment I needed her, in the exact manner I needed her to, and with the exact program I needed. It was thinking about her that I was able to make the connection to God. I'd always had a notion that a God was out there, but I'd never felt he took any particular interest in individuals. But realizing the serendipity of meeting my sponsor, I suddenly knew that God had put her there for me to find. He'd heard my prayer and he'd answered it just when I needed it most. He knew what and when and how - and He made it happen just right.
Well fast forward through seventeen blissful abstinent days living on the pink cloud and I am speaking to a beloved family friend. She is desperate to return to program, and she told me how she needs a sponsor. Well, she asked me about my program, so I told her what my days are like. Immediately she began to go through the same objections that rose to my mind: she didn't want to hand over the steering wheel. She wanted to be driving her own recovery. But that wasn't true - she wanted to have a reasonable abstinence, just a different one from my own.
So when I left her house I made a call to my sponsor and my three outreach people, leaving a message to ask them to keep an eye out for a sponsor with the characteristics my friend was looking for. Even if she never picks up the phone or doesn't pick up the phone to call the people I find for her any time in the next X number of months or years, I'll have done my best to help her find the help she wants. I also gave her the information on how to find online and phone meetings [since she is often too depressed to leave the house].
But the first thought that went through my head was that she was not willing to go to any lengths for her recovery. She wasn't willing to be willing. And this thought has been stewing with me ever since. Just like no two people are the same, no two recoveries are either. So who am I to doubt her. Maybe she is ready, she just needs something different than I do. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no one right answer. As yesterday's Voices of Recovery pointed out, the problem is within. No one has the answers, they don't even know the question.
I am far too ready to look into other people's lives and other people's recoveries and think about what it is they should be doing. But I am not in charge of their lives or their recoveries. That's God's job, not mine. There was a great quote from my Thursday night meeting: "The only thing I need to know about God is I'm not Him."
So while I'm thinking that she isn't willing to surrender, that her ego is going to get in the way unless she finds that willingness - I realized that I am showing that same ego I was internally accusing her of displaying. Here I stand with my whopping seventeen days of abstinence feeling so high and mighty and proud of myself. Like I have all the answers and have found the cure. In reality, I should be the one eating humble pie!
Listening to the readings in that meeting tonight, as well as the shares, helped me realize what was bothering me about the situation with my friend. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with her, it was that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was doing good by trying to be of service to her - helping her locate a potential sponsor and find meetings. Being supportive of her and explaining that there are many ways of finding abstinence, not just my own. But deep down I was being prideful. It was my pride that was making the gesture feel hollow, not the doubts about her ability or willingness to accept the help. My sponsor assigned supplemental readings to deal with my issues with my in-laws, but it applied to this problem as well.
What keeps striking me is the random luck of my meetings. It always seems like these meetings cover exactly the subjects I am needing that day. It just makes me realize that God is talking to me, I just need to stop talking and listen.
I realized that I'm willing to let God run the show in my own recovery, but I need to be willing to be willing to let God do the rest of his job. Because if I can't manage my own life, I have no business managing anyone elses life either!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
A REALLY Bad Day
Today was a major BAD day. It really reminded me why I need to be in OA, because today the disease brought on the serious crazy.
I slept later than I wanted to, which meant I didn't have time to get work done. Which isn't the end of the world - I can do it tomorrow - but it means I can't start researching tomorrow. Then we went to lunch and ate at the restaurant, which meant I had to split my food and not have it as my salad. Again, not the end of the world. We came home and put the baby down for a nap, but he only slept for half an hour because he pooped. So we had a cranky and grumpy baby the rest of the evening while we tried to go grocery shopping.
We went first to order his birthday cake. The woman apparently was a perfectionist, because she rewrote the order on 4 slips before it was "right". All the while I am staring at the bakery display. And this isn't your usual grocery store bakery display. There are a TON of cookies, mini-cakes, little tuxedo strawberries with dark chocolate buttons, and all sorts of cookies I have no idea what the names are but that look HEAVENLY. And I'm trying to order a cake that my husband says, "are you really not going to eat his cake?" - "No sweetheart, I'm not" - "Not either day?" - "No, not either day" - "But what about the other candy, are you really not going to eat that either?" - "No, my love, I'm not eating any of that stuff." - "But they make Lebanese food for Christmas, you love that! Are you going to be ok?" - and at this stage I wanted an ice pick so I could start stabbing him repeatedly with it. My poor husband was oblivious to the fact that this was going to upset me.
The baby is fussing so we grabbed a few of the items at Gelsons - although they didn't have the seasoning - they didn't even have a Latin food section! - and then I was looking at their chicken display and it was obscene how much they were charging. And I started getting that claustrophobic feeling, and my husband is standing WAY in my space bubble the whole time. This meant that while I'm trying to read labels and find things, I have a baby smacking me in the face and pulling my hair and him breathing down my neck nagging me to just grab corn tortillas. I'm trying to make sure there isn't any sugar in them - and he wants to go.
I just wanted to SCREAM! We go order dinner because I am now starving and everywhere I look there is junk food, it seems. So we go get the next meal, even though I haven't even gotten to finish my salad yet [I turned what was left from lunch into a salad]. We bring it home and the baby goes to bed. Now I am just frazzled and while I was ok with the little things going wrong, when I take a sip of my supposedly light lemonade and it is regular I about broke down and cried.
I tried to stay calm, so I put down the lemonade and went in and got a diet Lipton green tea. I would drink that instead. Problem solved. So I made my salad while my husband put the baby down to sleep and proceeded to mix my lunch remainders in with the dinner. Good - now it is all together and I can work on my food.
I sit down and locate the next phone meeting - it was set to start in 6 minutes. Perfect. I am listening to an amazing speaker and loving my meeting. And then I start getting booted from the call. Of course, being already in crazy mode, I start to take this personally. I was booted around nine times before I finally got in and was able to stay in. I don't know what was wrong? I was on mute, so it wasn't like I was doing anything special. I mute the line on their side AND I mute my side as well just to be safe! So now my great meeting is now ruined for me because I am feeling like I was getting picked on. Oh, and I was terrified that the leader was my boss because he sounded just like him and had the same name. Thankfully it wasn't him, but I spent a good chunk of that meeting not sure if I should slink out and wait for the next phone session.
I was sad that my meeting didn't lift me up like usual. So I picked up the phone and made my outreach calls. All answering machines. I even called a few people from my We Care Phone List - same thing. I gave up on the calls and told myself that I was being irrational, and that I was responsible for my mood. I should be proud of myself for following my instructions and staying on plan. But I wasn't.
I realize I was being vile to my husband and snapping at him at the grocery store. So I apologize. The baby wakes up from his evening nap and we get bundled up to walk him around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights while he drinks a bottle. My husband starts complaining about how this one thing hurts - and I get so annoyed because he whines and complains about aches and pains all the time. If he has the sniffles it is like the world has come to an end and he tells me "I feel sick" in misery every ten minutes. Except that I've listened to these whines and complaints for two years every single day.
So I am biting my cheek to keep my mouth shut. I have tried to get him into the doctor, but he just says "oh, this doctor at a walk in place didn't help me when I told him I hurt my shoulder" so he won't go see a doctor who specializes in the types of injuries he has. Meanwhile the fact that I have torn cartilage in both my knees, arthritis in my hands and feet, two blown discs in my back, and adhesions in my abdomen that all cause me pain on a daily basis rises up to the front of my thoughts. And you know what I don't do? Complain to him about them. He knows I have these problems but he'll forget unless they're really bad - why? Because I keep it to myself. And it isn't a martyrdom issue. I simply don't see the point in harping on it when there's nothing to be done about it.
So I get home with knees that feel like there's broken glass inside of them, my abdomen feeling like someone is repeatedly stabbing me, and listening to him whine about an ache in his shoulder. The baby has had the bottle and the dogs are now pleased that they've had their walk. The baby goes up to bed and we proceed to watch television.
I make my evening oatmeal and it isn't the kind of oats I like. I tried this rolled oats thing that doesn't really gel together into oatmeal. It's more like having Smacks cereal without the sugar/flavor. In water. And then my husband makes himself a few slices of sourdough toast. And when I give it a longing look he then takes a big bite and goes "mmmm it's delicious" - and proceeds to tell me it is revenge for me being snippy in the grocery store. I was within a millimeter of punching him in the face. And when he sees I am genuinely upset, he says "I was just teasing you, what's wrong?" Like he even needs to ask.
And then, he proceeds to talk through the whole TV show. He knows that is like nails on chalk board for me. Most nights I pause and stare at him, so he eventually gets the point and stops. But tonight I was just not able to be calm about it. I knew if I paused I would yell at him, and I didn't want to yell at him. So I sit and I stew. I drank water because I wanted to eat that sourdough bread so desperately. So of course I had to pee constantly.
Then we are going to get ready for bed and he starts up one of our repeating fights. The problem is that he is epileptic and can't remember a lot of what happened while I was pregnant. So he starts going off on how the baby made him sick. And I remind him that his insistence on not taking his medicine - against his doctor's instructions - is why he got so sick. And he argued with me that the doctor didn't go against it. And I just stared at him like he'd gone mad.
Then he got angry at me because I didn't agree with him. I am actually able to give him written proof of the doctor's instructions, but he is getting mad at me because I won't tell him what he wants to hear. But I am not going to let him say that our child is the reason he is so sick when he did it to himself! Because I know him. If he gets it into his mind that he is sick because of the baby I'm going to hear nonstop about how my having the baby ruined his life. I was just floored. But I stopped myself and didn't scream. I didn't yell. I just agreed to not have the conversation since he was getting angry.
And he wanted to get a hug and kiss goodnight before I went downstairs to do my Big Book report to my sponsor. I gave him a stiff hug and kiss and went downstairs feeling livid. Because today I do not have my cool. And even now I know it's nearly three in the morning, my baby is going to wake me up in two hours, and I'm too angry to sleep.
But on the positive side - I'm feeling my feelings, and I stayed on program. I attended my meeting. I made my outreach calls. And when I finish this journal post, I'm going to write to my sponsor and summarize my five pages. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Preface - xxii to xxvi
Foreword to Third Edition
"Seven percent of the A.A.'s surveyed are less than 30 years of age - among them, many in their teens." - xxii
The fact that there were people back in the fledgling years of AA who were this young just confirms for me that there is a genetic component to addiction. My great grandfather was a terrible alcoholic. It was eventually what killed him - which isn't surprising since having lost a leg while being hit by a train [while drunk] didn't stop him from drinking. Addiction is hard-wired into my DNA. And it isn't just food. I can be compulsive about anything - arts and crafts, video games, books, etc. It always seems to be that I get started doing something, and then I feel compulsively driven to keep doing that one thing. So everything is feast or famine with me. If I am in the mood to watch TV, I want to watch TV every night and every free minute of the day. But as soon as I want to read instead of watch TV, I suddenly am obsessed with reading every night and every free minute of the day. There is no middle ground - and it seems to be the same way with food. I either am binge eating or I am fasting/purging. I always tend to swing to the extremes.
". . . recovery begins when one [compulsive overeater] talks with another [compulsive overeater], sharing experience, strength, and hope." - xxii
It was the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that brought me back to OA. What has been so bizarre this time around is that when my world feels overwhelming and I think I don't have the strength to make it another day, I go to a meeting and I feel like things will be okay. And it isn't just about abstinence, it's about my job and my marriage and my child - all the little stresses that build up until I think that I am going to break are gone as soon as I walk in that door. It is like I can finally breathe again. And the rest of the day or night (depending on the time of the meeting) I feel like I have the strength to keep going.
Foreword to Fourth Edition
"When the phrase 'We are people who normally would not mix' . . . was written in 1939, it referred to a Fellowship composed largely of men (and a few women) with quite similar social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. Like so much of A.A.'s basic text, those words have proved to be far more visionary than the founding members could ever have imagined." - xxiii
The most bizarre aspect of OA meetings is the kinship I feel with people I never would have encountered in my daily life otherwise. I listen to speakers who are from completely different social, ethnic and economic backgrounds to me and I hear my own story. It's like meeting a family I never knew existed but who are so like me it is almost frightening. And I do feel a kinship with the people I talk to at the meetings. We're in this together, and there is a camaraderie, because I need them to recover and they need me to recover. At my first meeting, I had the distinct sensation that I was coming home.
". . . [OA]'s speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." - xxiv
I love that I can be honest about my life when I am sharing at an OA meeting. There is something amazing about the anonymity that allows me to open up my deepest and darkest secrets. This is the place where it is appropriate to strip down the ego and the image and all the bullshit we put out to hide our disease. We can bear all and know that we are safe to do so. Not only do people understand the lows, they've been there themselves. There's a great quote I heard that goes something like this: "Of course we feel inadequate - we're comparing our everyday lives to other people's highlight reels." At the meetings we get to share the worst moments of our lives and discover that we're not alone. It is that honesty and that understanding that I think of when I read this passage.
The Doctor's Opinion
". . . suffered [compulsive overeater] torture. . ." - xxvi
God, how true this is. There is that moment when I've finished the box of Oreos or that carton of ice cream that I hate myself. Or sometimes even while I still am eating, because I look in that container and see that I have two more cookies, and it is with bone deep and gut wrenching despair that I pick up those two cookies and eat them. Because they're there. Because then the box will be empty and it won't be there to torment me any more.
And I hate myself every last second that the bite is going into my mouth, and every last second I chew that bite, all the way until I finish that box. And I despise myself for the weakness that led me to eat the box in the first place. I promise not to ever buy another box of cookies again. I swear that I have learned my lesson and I never ever want to feel horrible like that again. But somehow when I am at the store it seems like my arms and hands have a will entirely of their own as I put another box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box on the conveyor belt to be purchased. And the cycle begins again.
Not to mention the deep shame of it all. Sometimes I try to pretend I am having friends over - I make up a story about going to a party or having people over to watch the game. And when I go to drive-thru windows and am ordering enough food to feed an army I purchase multiple drinks just so the person at the window won't know that it is all for me. Yet there is still that pinpoint of terror inside when the cashier looks at me that they know. They are looking at my fat ass and they know that I just paid another five dollars for two extra drinks to try and pretend that all that food isn't going into my own stomach.
Torture is the best possible word for this disease.
". . . the body of the [compulsive overeater] is quite as abnormal as his mind. . . It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our [eating] just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the [compulsive overeater] which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete." - xxvi
This is the flip side to the discussion that was previously in the preface talking about how this is not just a physical problem but a spiritual malady. It also ties in to the findings that addiction is something a person can be genetically predispositioned to. At least one study shows that sugar can be as addictive as cocaine or heroin, including withdrawal symptoms if it is eliminated from the diet.
"Seven percent of the A.A.'s surveyed are less than 30 years of age - among them, many in their teens." - xxii
The fact that there were people back in the fledgling years of AA who were this young just confirms for me that there is a genetic component to addiction. My great grandfather was a terrible alcoholic. It was eventually what killed him - which isn't surprising since having lost a leg while being hit by a train [while drunk] didn't stop him from drinking. Addiction is hard-wired into my DNA. And it isn't just food. I can be compulsive about anything - arts and crafts, video games, books, etc. It always seems to be that I get started doing something, and then I feel compulsively driven to keep doing that one thing. So everything is feast or famine with me. If I am in the mood to watch TV, I want to watch TV every night and every free minute of the day. But as soon as I want to read instead of watch TV, I suddenly am obsessed with reading every night and every free minute of the day. There is no middle ground - and it seems to be the same way with food. I either am binge eating or I am fasting/purging. I always tend to swing to the extremes.
". . . recovery begins when one [compulsive overeater] talks with another [compulsive overeater], sharing experience, strength, and hope." - xxii
It was the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that brought me back to OA. What has been so bizarre this time around is that when my world feels overwhelming and I think I don't have the strength to make it another day, I go to a meeting and I feel like things will be okay. And it isn't just about abstinence, it's about my job and my marriage and my child - all the little stresses that build up until I think that I am going to break are gone as soon as I walk in that door. It is like I can finally breathe again. And the rest of the day or night (depending on the time of the meeting) I feel like I have the strength to keep going.
Foreword to Fourth Edition
"When the phrase 'We are people who normally would not mix' . . . was written in 1939, it referred to a Fellowship composed largely of men (and a few women) with quite similar social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. Like so much of A.A.'s basic text, those words have proved to be far more visionary than the founding members could ever have imagined." - xxiii
The most bizarre aspect of OA meetings is the kinship I feel with people I never would have encountered in my daily life otherwise. I listen to speakers who are from completely different social, ethnic and economic backgrounds to me and I hear my own story. It's like meeting a family I never knew existed but who are so like me it is almost frightening. And I do feel a kinship with the people I talk to at the meetings. We're in this together, and there is a camaraderie, because I need them to recover and they need me to recover. At my first meeting, I had the distinct sensation that I was coming home.
". . . [OA]'s speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." - xxiv
I love that I can be honest about my life when I am sharing at an OA meeting. There is something amazing about the anonymity that allows me to open up my deepest and darkest secrets. This is the place where it is appropriate to strip down the ego and the image and all the bullshit we put out to hide our disease. We can bear all and know that we are safe to do so. Not only do people understand the lows, they've been there themselves. There's a great quote I heard that goes something like this: "Of course we feel inadequate - we're comparing our everyday lives to other people's highlight reels." At the meetings we get to share the worst moments of our lives and discover that we're not alone. It is that honesty and that understanding that I think of when I read this passage.
The Doctor's Opinion
". . . suffered [compulsive overeater] torture. . ." - xxvi
God, how true this is. There is that moment when I've finished the box of Oreos or that carton of ice cream that I hate myself. Or sometimes even while I still am eating, because I look in that container and see that I have two more cookies, and it is with bone deep and gut wrenching despair that I pick up those two cookies and eat them. Because they're there. Because then the box will be empty and it won't be there to torment me any more.
And I hate myself every last second that the bite is going into my mouth, and every last second I chew that bite, all the way until I finish that box. And I despise myself for the weakness that led me to eat the box in the first place. I promise not to ever buy another box of cookies again. I swear that I have learned my lesson and I never ever want to feel horrible like that again. But somehow when I am at the store it seems like my arms and hands have a will entirely of their own as I put another box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box on the conveyor belt to be purchased. And the cycle begins again.
Not to mention the deep shame of it all. Sometimes I try to pretend I am having friends over - I make up a story about going to a party or having people over to watch the game. And when I go to drive-thru windows and am ordering enough food to feed an army I purchase multiple drinks just so the person at the window won't know that it is all for me. Yet there is still that pinpoint of terror inside when the cashier looks at me that they know. They are looking at my fat ass and they know that I just paid another five dollars for two extra drinks to try and pretend that all that food isn't going into my own stomach.
Torture is the best possible word for this disease.
". . . the body of the [compulsive overeater] is quite as abnormal as his mind. . . It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our [eating] just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the [compulsive overeater] which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete." - xxvi
This is the flip side to the discussion that was previously in the preface talking about how this is not just a physical problem but a spiritual malady. It also ties in to the findings that addiction is something a person can be genetically predispositioned to. At least one study shows that sugar can be as addictive as cocaine or heroin, including withdrawal symptoms if it is eliminated from the diet.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Happy Thursday
It seemed appropriate that I would start this blog on Thanksgiving - the holiday of the glutton. I heard a great thing in my regular Overeaters Anonymous meeting this last week: "Here at OA we have a name for Thanksgiving. It's called Thursday." And really that struck a chord with me. We always hear that others only have power over us if we give them that power, but the same thing is true of days as well.
The 4th Thursday in November. December 25th. January 1st. February 14th. March 17th. July 4th. These are all just calendar days. If you hadn't been told otherwise, you never would have known there was anything special about any of these given days. But magically being near the "holidays" leaves people feeling lonely or depressed. And for compulsive overeaters that fourth Thursday of November is a daunting day of food and temptation. Why? Because we've made it that way.
This is my first abstinent Thanksgiving. My abstinence right now is simple: no soda, no coffee, no beer, no hard liquor, no french fries, no doughnuts. These are all things I just can't handle with any semblance of sanity. The biggest part of my abstinence is the non-food portion: no vomiting, no eating until you feel sick. Stopping when I was full was difficult this year, but I ate each of the foods I love in moderation - avoiding the pitfalls of soda and alcohol - and I felt good about my day.
My first sponsor told me to pick items that "set me off" rather than try to do a highly restrictive abstinence from day one. She felt that starting off with a tough abstinence was a quick trip to failure. That had been her experience and so that was how we worked the program together. My sponsor was wonderful and I'm sad that when I decided to take a break from OA during my pregnancy that we lost touch. I miss her.
But I will be starting a very strict abstinence with a new sponsor in the coming weeks. Next Thursday my husband and I are finally taking the honeymoon that we postponed last year. My new sponsor agreed to start being my sponsor when I get back from that honeymoon (seeing as how week two is a bit early to be battling to stay abstinent on a cruise ship when I'm still learning the rules of the program!)
But there were a number of things that greatly bothered me about agreeing to do this abstinence program. First was the impact this would have upon my husband and son. In the beginning the meals are very uniform from day to day, and I have concerns about how this logistically will work with them. But second, and sadly most importantly, I worried about those "special days". How could I give up my birthday cake? Or Christmas dinner? Most of the rest of the holidays I could live without - but no birthday cake was really something I was stuck on.
My husband told me to order a birthday cake for myself before the abstinence started. We are writing all the numbers between 30 and 90 on that cake, and it will be my birthday cake until I am 90. Because March 23rd is just a calendar date. Sure I was born on a March 23rd, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be anything other than another day on the calendar.
With a little luck and a lot of leaning on others, I think I can do this.
The 4th Thursday in November. December 25th. January 1st. February 14th. March 17th. July 4th. These are all just calendar days. If you hadn't been told otherwise, you never would have known there was anything special about any of these given days. But magically being near the "holidays" leaves people feeling lonely or depressed. And for compulsive overeaters that fourth Thursday of November is a daunting day of food and temptation. Why? Because we've made it that way.
This is my first abstinent Thanksgiving. My abstinence right now is simple: no soda, no coffee, no beer, no hard liquor, no french fries, no doughnuts. These are all things I just can't handle with any semblance of sanity. The biggest part of my abstinence is the non-food portion: no vomiting, no eating until you feel sick. Stopping when I was full was difficult this year, but I ate each of the foods I love in moderation - avoiding the pitfalls of soda and alcohol - and I felt good about my day.
My first sponsor told me to pick items that "set me off" rather than try to do a highly restrictive abstinence from day one. She felt that starting off with a tough abstinence was a quick trip to failure. That had been her experience and so that was how we worked the program together. My sponsor was wonderful and I'm sad that when I decided to take a break from OA during my pregnancy that we lost touch. I miss her.
But I will be starting a very strict abstinence with a new sponsor in the coming weeks. Next Thursday my husband and I are finally taking the honeymoon that we postponed last year. My new sponsor agreed to start being my sponsor when I get back from that honeymoon (seeing as how week two is a bit early to be battling to stay abstinent on a cruise ship when I'm still learning the rules of the program!)
But there were a number of things that greatly bothered me about agreeing to do this abstinence program. First was the impact this would have upon my husband and son. In the beginning the meals are very uniform from day to day, and I have concerns about how this logistically will work with them. But second, and sadly most importantly, I worried about those "special days". How could I give up my birthday cake? Or Christmas dinner? Most of the rest of the holidays I could live without - but no birthday cake was really something I was stuck on.
My husband told me to order a birthday cake for myself before the abstinence started. We are writing all the numbers between 30 and 90 on that cake, and it will be my birthday cake until I am 90. Because March 23rd is just a calendar date. Sure I was born on a March 23rd, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be anything other than another day on the calendar.
With a little luck and a lot of leaning on others, I think I can do this.
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