I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy that posed three questions. The patient was a man who had been paralyzed from neck down in an accident. The doctor was asking if he wished to be taken off of life support as he would never be able to live without machines to breathe for him. To confirm that he wished to be taken off of the machines he was asked three questions:
Do you know who you are?
Do you know what's happened to you?
Do you want to live this way?
It shocked me just how appropriate these questions were for a compulsive overeater. Really, for any addict. Before program the answer to all those questions was a resounding no.
I didn't know who I was. Indeed, I spent nearly every waking moment trying to avoid figuring that out. I ate, I drank, I played excessive video games, I read, I did anything and everything to not think about who I was.
I didn't know what had happened to me. I woke up one day and I was 305 pounds. Sure I saw myself getting larger and larger, but somehow it still snuck up on me. I kept expecting that tomorrow would be different - tomorrow I'd find the will to change. Tomorrow I'd eat healthy and exercise. I'd suddenly know how to act and be like other people. But tomorrow never came. So I got a gastric bypass. I lost the weight but it came right back on. And again tomorrow never came.
The only thing I knew before program was that I didn't want to live this way. I couldn't live this way. I was hopeless. I was desperate. I was completely unwilling to surrender my life and will to the care of a power greater than myself. It took the complete and total annihilation of my willingness to live before I was able to put down the reigns and hand over control.
That day I waved the white flag and got a sponsor. That's when the miracle happened. How different today is. I went from 305 pounds down to the 169 pounds I weighed today (and I'm still losing). I went from a size 24 to a size 10. A size XXXL to a size M. I went from constantly depressed and angry to a genuinely happy, optimistic person. My life has never been better.
I now can confidently answer all three of those questions with a yes. I discovered that the answer was surrender. Sweet, simple surrender.
