This last week has been a difficult one. My boyfriend broke up with me. My ex-husband took my son to see his family in Texas for Easter. But most importantly, after looking at the relationship patterns I've gravitated towards, I realized that I use love as a drug - and I'm referring to that Hallmark, Valentine's Day kind of love, not the truly deep and intimate kind of love. When things get bad, I move from one relationship into another - keeping a casual distance, putting the new person on a pedestal, and waiting for things to collapse before starting the process immediately over again.
This is just one more outlet for my disease to keep me from coping with life, and so I have a cross addiction that I am now dealing with. Which means I spent this week managing an empty house and a breakup without food, without alcohol, and without the lure of seeking out a new romantic partner.
Being without my son is always tough, but on Easter it was particularly difficult. So last night I decided that it was time to do a guided meditation. When working on my Second Step, I learned a number of guided meditations designed to help me grow closer to my Higher Power.
My favorite of these meditations is one that involves going into your "inner temple." The process is simple. Lie down and get comfortable. Picture that there is a light (pick a relaxing color, mine is a teal color but yours can be anything you like) that is moving from your feet and filling your body as it goes up to your head. Once you are in a safe little cocoon of relaxation, let yourself drift up and out of your body. You are going up and up to the clouds. Ahead you see a big fluffy white cloud and your cocoon stops there and you step out onto that cloud. Ahead of you is your temple.
The meditation goes on to tell you to approach the temple and go inside. You let your mind wander and just watch what you do in there - it's like semi-active dreaming.
It's up to you to picture what your temple looks like. My temple used to always be a Greek ruin with a few tendrils of ivy going up the side. The inside had broken floors - it looked like a place that had not seen a human being in centuries (if not longer). There was a lone stone altar in the center, but nothing else. I have always loved my meditation trips to my temple because I thought it was beautiful and special. (A bit of foreshadowing . . .)
I couldn't seem to get into my teal cocoon this time. Instead I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I was trapped inside this little popcorn kernel shaped shell, curled into fetal position - and it was like this that I went up to my clouds. I thought about stopping the meditation and starting over, but figured I'd go with it.
This time when I went into my temple, it was like a lush botanical garden. The structure was the same - the same pillars and vines, but this time the whole place was surrounded by lush plants and hanging vines of flowers. The floors were old and worn, still ancient, but they had that well-kept look that you see in old cathedrals in Europe. My stone altar was still in the center, but it had a pristine white table cloth on it, with candles and flowers. On one side of the altar there now was a throne where I knew my Higher Power sat. Instead of a place of decay, everything was pristine - as though it was millennia old, but had been loved every single day of its long, long life.
Looking around my temple, I realized that the changes I was seeing were a reflection of my growth in program. I am no longer a barren, broken down human being. My temple before was very pretty, but this place was beautiful beyond compare. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given this chance to see the changes in myself. After how rough this week has been, I'd been feeling like I had made no progress whatsoever - and yet here was the proof to the contrary.
I looked around and didn't see my Higher Power anywhere, but somehow I knew he wasn't far. I looked down and in my hand there was the little kernel with me inside, and I realized it was a seed. Down at the base of the throne there was a missing stone with a plot of really rich smelling soil. I'm not much of a gardener (as my poor half-dead vegetable garden can attest) but if I were a plant, that is the kind of soil I'd want to live in! So that's exactly what I did. I knelt down and planted the seed that was me, and stepped back. I knew that I had planted my seed in a safe place and that my Higher Power was there to watch me grow. I didn't have to worry about water or sunshine - my Higher Power had that part.
I knelt down next to the plot of dirt and told my seed-self, "I know it hurts now, and I know growing is a struggle. But keep fighting, because it will all be worth it once you break the surface and see the sunshine." I was picturing my seed-self pushing against the walls of the seed, breaking out and struggling against the dirt to push up and to the sunshine. I realized that the feelings I'm having now are just that - I'm pushing through the dirt trying to reach the sunshine.
I came to after that and felt this sense of peace. I know days are going to be difficult, but just for today I can have faith that the sunshine is going to be worth it.
I don't know if these meditations are just my subconscious giving me the information I need or a way for my Higher Power to reach me, but either way: message gratefully received.
