Once I was able to get past the initial fact that I not only needed a higher power, but I needed to surrender to it, I did the first thing I could think of: I went to church.
I was raised Catholic but stopped going to church when I went to college. This happened to coincide with a big wave of scandals and a huge payment of damages to the victims of sexual abuse by priests. But what rocked my faith the most was the fact that the priest of the mass I regularly attended was one of the people on the news for molesting small boys. This is the man I received communion from; the man I gave confessions to.
It started out first that my faith in the Church was shaken, and then my faith in Christianity as I began to learn more of the history of the Church and the bible. I'd always had difficulty relating to Jesus. Not that I didn't respect his teachings, but I'd just never been able to reach a point of believing in him as my "Lord and Savior."
So now, here I was more than a decade later trying to get back to a point of faith. I sat in mass and found myself fighting not to roll my eyes. I felt out of place and uncomfortable there. I tried staying late to sit in silence in the church and pray, but I still felt like an interloper. I didn't give up immediately. I kept going to mass, sometimes taking my young son with me. But the feeling that I was a fraud kept plaguing me.
So I went to my sponsor and asked for help. She told me that if I didn't like the Catholic God, then I should just make my own Higher Power.
In a meeting, I once heard a man share how he found his own Higher Power. His sponsor told him to take a piece of notebook paper and fold it in half length-wise (i.e. like a hot dog). One one side, he was to write all the things he hated about organized religion and the religious beliefs of others. On the other side he was to write down all the good things, and the things he'd want in his own higher power. Once this was completed, his sponsor told him to rip the sheet in half down that dividing line. Here were the applicants for the job of his Higher Power. Now he could throw out the ass-hole he didn't like and hire the one he did.
So I started my research. I looked into theologians like former Dominican priest Matthew Fox, Judaism, eastern religions, I even spent a good deal of time looking into paganism. In fact, one of the most helpful books I read was Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religion by River and Joyce Higginbotham. That book described various faith systems, ways people look at religion, and even talks about scientific findings that could support the basis of an earth-based faith. But most importantly it taught me ways to meditate and pray that were deeply meaningful to me.
It was almost a four month process of research, meditation, and reflection that led me to the point where I now had a Higher Power with capital letters. I was able to look back on the way that program had changed my life, and how I had changed as a result of program. These were things I had never been able to achieve on my own. Finally I knew I had found the belief that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I had at last taken the second step.
Showing posts with label Meditation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Meditation. Show all posts
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Meditation: Growth
This last week has been a difficult one. My boyfriend broke up with me. My ex-husband took my son to see his family in Texas for Easter. But most importantly, after looking at the relationship patterns I've gravitated towards, I realized that I use love as a drug - and I'm referring to that Hallmark, Valentine's Day kind of love, not the truly deep and intimate kind of love. When things get bad, I move from one relationship into another - keeping a casual distance, putting the new person on a pedestal, and waiting for things to collapse before starting the process immediately over again.
This is just one more outlet for my disease to keep me from coping with life, and so I have a cross addiction that I am now dealing with. Which means I spent this week managing an empty house and a breakup without food, without alcohol, and without the lure of seeking out a new romantic partner.
Being without my son is always tough, but on Easter it was particularly difficult. So last night I decided that it was time to do a guided meditation. When working on my Second Step, I learned a number of guided meditations designed to help me grow closer to my Higher Power.
My favorite of these meditations is one that involves going into your "inner temple." The process is simple. Lie down and get comfortable. Picture that there is a light (pick a relaxing color, mine is a teal color but yours can be anything you like) that is moving from your feet and filling your body as it goes up to your head. Once you are in a safe little cocoon of relaxation, let yourself drift up and out of your body. You are going up and up to the clouds. Ahead you see a big fluffy white cloud and your cocoon stops there and you step out onto that cloud. Ahead of you is your temple.
The meditation goes on to tell you to approach the temple and go inside. You let your mind wander and just watch what you do in there - it's like semi-active dreaming.
It's up to you to picture what your temple looks like. My temple used to always be a Greek ruin with a few tendrils of ivy going up the side. The inside had broken floors - it looked like a place that had not seen a human being in centuries (if not longer). There was a lone stone altar in the center, but nothing else. I have always loved my meditation trips to my temple because I thought it was beautiful and special. (A bit of foreshadowing . . .)
I couldn't seem to get into my teal cocoon this time. Instead I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I was trapped inside this little popcorn kernel shaped shell, curled into fetal position - and it was like this that I went up to my clouds. I thought about stopping the meditation and starting over, but figured I'd go with it.
This time when I went into my temple, it was like a lush botanical garden. The structure was the same - the same pillars and vines, but this time the whole place was surrounded by lush plants and hanging vines of flowers. The floors were old and worn, still ancient, but they had that well-kept look that you see in old cathedrals in Europe. My stone altar was still in the center, but it had a pristine white table cloth on it, with candles and flowers. On one side of the altar there now was a throne where I knew my Higher Power sat. Instead of a place of decay, everything was pristine - as though it was millennia old, but had been loved every single day of its long, long life.
Looking around my temple, I realized that the changes I was seeing were a reflection of my growth in program. I am no longer a barren, broken down human being. My temple before was very pretty, but this place was beautiful beyond compare. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given this chance to see the changes in myself. After how rough this week has been, I'd been feeling like I had made no progress whatsoever - and yet here was the proof to the contrary.
I looked around and didn't see my Higher Power anywhere, but somehow I knew he wasn't far. I looked down and in my hand there was the little kernel with me inside, and I realized it was a seed. Down at the base of the throne there was a missing stone with a plot of really rich smelling soil. I'm not much of a gardener (as my poor half-dead vegetable garden can attest) but if I were a plant, that is the kind of soil I'd want to live in! So that's exactly what I did. I knelt down and planted the seed that was me, and stepped back. I knew that I had planted my seed in a safe place and that my Higher Power was there to watch me grow. I didn't have to worry about water or sunshine - my Higher Power had that part.
I knelt down next to the plot of dirt and told my seed-self, "I know it hurts now, and I know growing is a struggle. But keep fighting, because it will all be worth it once you break the surface and see the sunshine." I was picturing my seed-self pushing against the walls of the seed, breaking out and struggling against the dirt to push up and to the sunshine. I realized that the feelings I'm having now are just that - I'm pushing through the dirt trying to reach the sunshine.
I came to after that and felt this sense of peace. I know days are going to be difficult, but just for today I can have faith that the sunshine is going to be worth it.
I don't know if these meditations are just my subconscious giving me the information I need or a way for my Higher Power to reach me, but either way: message gratefully received.
This is just one more outlet for my disease to keep me from coping with life, and so I have a cross addiction that I am now dealing with. Which means I spent this week managing an empty house and a breakup without food, without alcohol, and without the lure of seeking out a new romantic partner.
Being without my son is always tough, but on Easter it was particularly difficult. So last night I decided that it was time to do a guided meditation. When working on my Second Step, I learned a number of guided meditations designed to help me grow closer to my Higher Power.
My favorite of these meditations is one that involves going into your "inner temple." The process is simple. Lie down and get comfortable. Picture that there is a light (pick a relaxing color, mine is a teal color but yours can be anything you like) that is moving from your feet and filling your body as it goes up to your head. Once you are in a safe little cocoon of relaxation, let yourself drift up and out of your body. You are going up and up to the clouds. Ahead you see a big fluffy white cloud and your cocoon stops there and you step out onto that cloud. Ahead of you is your temple.
The meditation goes on to tell you to approach the temple and go inside. You let your mind wander and just watch what you do in there - it's like semi-active dreaming.
It's up to you to picture what your temple looks like. My temple used to always be a Greek ruin with a few tendrils of ivy going up the side. The inside had broken floors - it looked like a place that had not seen a human being in centuries (if not longer). There was a lone stone altar in the center, but nothing else. I have always loved my meditation trips to my temple because I thought it was beautiful and special. (A bit of foreshadowing . . .)
I couldn't seem to get into my teal cocoon this time. Instead I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I was trapped inside this little popcorn kernel shaped shell, curled into fetal position - and it was like this that I went up to my clouds. I thought about stopping the meditation and starting over, but figured I'd go with it.
This time when I went into my temple, it was like a lush botanical garden. The structure was the same - the same pillars and vines, but this time the whole place was surrounded by lush plants and hanging vines of flowers. The floors were old and worn, still ancient, but they had that well-kept look that you see in old cathedrals in Europe. My stone altar was still in the center, but it had a pristine white table cloth on it, with candles and flowers. On one side of the altar there now was a throne where I knew my Higher Power sat. Instead of a place of decay, everything was pristine - as though it was millennia old, but had been loved every single day of its long, long life.
Looking around my temple, I realized that the changes I was seeing were a reflection of my growth in program. I am no longer a barren, broken down human being. My temple before was very pretty, but this place was beautiful beyond compare. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given this chance to see the changes in myself. After how rough this week has been, I'd been feeling like I had made no progress whatsoever - and yet here was the proof to the contrary.
I looked around and didn't see my Higher Power anywhere, but somehow I knew he wasn't far. I looked down and in my hand there was the little kernel with me inside, and I realized it was a seed. Down at the base of the throne there was a missing stone with a plot of really rich smelling soil. I'm not much of a gardener (as my poor half-dead vegetable garden can attest) but if I were a plant, that is the kind of soil I'd want to live in! So that's exactly what I did. I knelt down and planted the seed that was me, and stepped back. I knew that I had planted my seed in a safe place and that my Higher Power was there to watch me grow. I didn't have to worry about water or sunshine - my Higher Power had that part.
I knelt down next to the plot of dirt and told my seed-self, "I know it hurts now, and I know growing is a struggle. But keep fighting, because it will all be worth it once you break the surface and see the sunshine." I was picturing my seed-self pushing against the walls of the seed, breaking out and struggling against the dirt to push up and to the sunshine. I realized that the feelings I'm having now are just that - I'm pushing through the dirt trying to reach the sunshine.
I came to after that and felt this sense of peace. I know days are going to be difficult, but just for today I can have faith that the sunshine is going to be worth it.
I don't know if these meditations are just my subconscious giving me the information I need or a way for my Higher Power to reach me, but either way: message gratefully received.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
"Every prayer is answered. Sometimes, however, the answer is 'no.'" - Mr. Sponsorpants
The Big Book tells us to avoid praying for our own selfish desires: "We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends." - Big Book, page 87
That is far easier said than done. Since reading that, I have tried to be conscious of what I am praying for each time I address my Higher Power. I have found that the vast majority of my entreaties are about things like, "please let that light stay green long enough for me to get through" or "please let the DVR have recorded my show this week!" You know, thebig, important selfish, minor things. Things that will cater to my own comfort and desires. I am working on consciously avoiding these kinds of prayers. Frankly, if I'm going to get divine intervention, I'd rather use it for something big like: "please let my cancer be curable" or "please don't let my house catch on fire."
There are then the mixed prayers, things like "please let the baby sleep through the night" or "please don't let me be late for my dentist appointment." There are quantifiable reasons why these prayers would help others. My son needs to get his sleep for his health and growth. If I am late for the dentist appointment it is likely to throw off the dental office's schedule putting them behind for the whole day. I can say these prayers are helpful to others, but really what I am praying for are sleep and the lack of embarrassment respectively. For the reasons above, I think these need to be minimized.
But there are other kinds of mixed prayers that I think definitely get the green light. For example, "please don't let my baby catch the flu" or "please let my husband's blood test results come back negative for [insert disease here]." I definitely have a personal stake in the health and well-being of my loved ones. If my baby gets sick that means I am going to be caring for him round the clock, and likely will be sick as well. Additionally, if my husband has some kind of illness, you can bet I'm going to hear about it ad nauseum if I'm not an active participant in the recovery process. But in those instances, the prayers are directed toward the fact that I want my family to be healthy for no other reason than that I love them and wish the best for them.
So I am hoping that if I cut out the selfish, unimportant prayers I will have better chances that my important prayers aren't going to get "no" as the answer.
The Big Book tells us to avoid praying for our own selfish desires: "We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends." - Big Book, page 87
That is far easier said than done. Since reading that, I have tried to be conscious of what I am praying for each time I address my Higher Power. I have found that the vast majority of my entreaties are about things like, "please let that light stay green long enough for me to get through" or "please let the DVR have recorded my show this week!" You know, the
There are then the mixed prayers, things like "please let the baby sleep through the night" or "please don't let me be late for my dentist appointment." There are quantifiable reasons why these prayers would help others. My son needs to get his sleep for his health and growth. If I am late for the dentist appointment it is likely to throw off the dental office's schedule putting them behind for the whole day. I can say these prayers are helpful to others, but really what I am praying for are sleep and the lack of embarrassment respectively. For the reasons above, I think these need to be minimized.
But there are other kinds of mixed prayers that I think definitely get the green light. For example, "please don't let my baby catch the flu" or "please let my husband's blood test results come back negative for [insert disease here]." I definitely have a personal stake in the health and well-being of my loved ones. If my baby gets sick that means I am going to be caring for him round the clock, and likely will be sick as well. Additionally, if my husband has some kind of illness, you can bet I'm going to hear about it ad nauseum if I'm not an active participant in the recovery process. But in those instances, the prayers are directed toward the fact that I want my family to be healthy for no other reason than that I love them and wish the best for them.
So I am hoping that if I cut out the selfish, unimportant prayers I will have better chances that my important prayers aren't going to get "no" as the answer.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Just a Thought. . .
"I can't think my way into right acting, but I can act my way into right thinking." - Unknown
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Third Step Prayer
The Third Step Prayer can be found on page 63 of the Big Book, second paragraph:
God, I offer myself to Thee -
to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!
God, I offer myself to Thee -
to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
The Running Dream
I have a recurring dream that I'm running. It isn't a bad dream, and I'm not running to or from anything. I can't say how long I've been running or when I'm going to stop - I'm running for the sake of running. The day is perfect - sunny but not too bright, and the temperature is just right for running. My muscles don't ache, my lungs fill effortlessly and painlessly with air and I'm in that groove where I can run forever. Whenever I have this dream I feel completely free and at peace. I am at one with the world around me and the universe.
I remember having this feeling when I was younger and ran cross country. You get to a point where running is its own form of meditation. You don't care about how fast you're going or how far you're going to run. I used to just run until I felt I'd worked out the problem in my mind - not consciously because I never really thought during my runs. The only sounds in my running utopia are the sounds of my breathing and heart beat going in time with the slap of my shoes on the pavement. And in that special place of quiet, I found find my center and suddenly my problems would unravel.
Abstinence feels a bit like that when I've had a good day. But after having that dream I look forward to the time when my sponsor tells me to start exercising again, because I miss the run.
The running dream is my favorite dream. It always seems to come when I most need the peace and spiritual healing it always seems to bring. To which all I can say is, "thanks God, I needed that."
I remember having this feeling when I was younger and ran cross country. You get to a point where running is its own form of meditation. You don't care about how fast you're going or how far you're going to run. I used to just run until I felt I'd worked out the problem in my mind - not consciously because I never really thought during my runs. The only sounds in my running utopia are the sounds of my breathing and heart beat going in time with the slap of my shoes on the pavement. And in that special place of quiet, I found find my center and suddenly my problems would unravel.
Abstinence feels a bit like that when I've had a good day. But after having that dream I look forward to the time when my sponsor tells me to start exercising again, because I miss the run.
The running dream is my favorite dream. It always seems to come when I most need the peace and spiritual healing it always seems to bring. To which all I can say is, "thanks God, I needed that."
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