Finding a Higher Power Part 2

Once I was able to get past the initial fact that I not only needed a higher power, but I needed to surrender to it, I did the first thing I could think of:  I went to church.

I was raised Catholic but stopped going to church when I went to college.  This happened to coincide with a big wave of scandals and a huge payment of damages to the victims of sexual abuse by priests.  But what rocked my faith the most was the fact that the priest of the mass I regularly attended was one of the people on the news for molesting small boys.  This is the man I received communion from; the man I gave confessions to.

It started out first that my faith in the Church was shaken, and then my faith in Christianity as I began to learn more of the history of the Church and the bible.  I'd always had difficulty relating to Jesus.  Not that I didn't respect his teachings, but I'd just never been able to reach a point of believing in him as my "Lord and Savior." 

So now, here I was more than a decade later trying to get back to a point of faith.  I sat in mass and found myself fighting not to roll my eyes.  I felt out of place and uncomfortable there.  I tried staying late to sit in silence in the church and pray, but I still felt like an interloper.  I didn't give up immediately.  I kept going to mass, sometimes taking my young son with me.  But the feeling that I was a fraud kept plaguing me.

So I went to my sponsor and asked for help.  She told me that if I didn't like the Catholic God, then I should just make my own Higher Power. 

In a meeting, I once heard a man share how he found his own Higher Power.  His sponsor told him to take a piece of notebook paper and fold it in half length-wise (i.e. like a hot dog).  One one side, he was to write all the things he hated about organized religion and the religious beliefs of others.  On the other side he was to write down all the good things, and the things he'd want in his own higher power.  Once this was completed, his sponsor told him to rip the sheet in half down that dividing line.  Here were the applicants for the job of his Higher Power. Now he could throw out the ass-hole he didn't like and hire the one he did.

So I started my research.  I looked into theologians like former Dominican priest Matthew Fox, Judaism, eastern religions, I even spent a good deal of time looking into paganism.  In fact, one of the most helpful books I read was Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religion by River and Joyce Higginbotham.  That book described various faith systems, ways people look at religion, and even talks about scientific findings that could support the basis of an earth-based faith.  But most importantly it taught me ways to meditate and pray that were deeply meaningful to me.

It was almost a four month process of research, meditation, and reflection that led me to the point where I now had a Higher Power with capital letters.  I was able to look back on the way that program had changed my life, and how I had changed as a result of program.  These were things I had never been able to achieve on my own.  Finally I knew I had found the belief that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  I had at last taken the second step.

Finding a Higher Power, Part 1

When I came into program I didn't have a higher power let alone a Higher Power with capital letters.  It isn't to say I didn't believe in God.  Being an atheist involves a certain measure of faith.  While it is impossible to concretely prove the existence of a Higher Power, it is also impossible to concretely disprove the existence of some Higher Power.  So the act of being an atheist is as much an act of faith as the belief that Christ is the Son of God or that Buddha obtained enlightenment.  And faith was something I was fresh out of.  So I was indifferent to the notion that there was a deity out there, but one thing I was most certain of was that any deity that might exist most certainly wasn't interested in me.

So I needed some sort of starting point.  I have met people who have chosen non-deity Higher Powers, such as mathematics (no matter how much you dislike the outcome, 2+2 does not equal 5), the laws of physics (gravity is a cruel taskmaster. . .),  mother nature (not much you can do if good ol' mother nature decides to drop a tornado on your head at lunch time), the door knob (this seems to be the classic example I hear in meetings, so for a few months I told the door knob on a regular basis what a shit job it was doing running the universe), the ceiling ("I am powerless over whether that ceiling decides to collapse and crush me"), their sponsor (if you have made them your "boss" then you have placed them as a "Higher Power" over you - although this one is a sticky one long term), the people in the OA rooms (this was the route I went with once I stopped thinking that the requirement for a higher power was stupid),  a celebrity (I've heard people go with Chuck Norris' beard, Burt Reynolds, Burt Reynolds' moustache, and other such silliness - but guess what: it worked for them), time (you can't stop it and you can't control it), and the universe (we can all agree that the universe exists).

I have heard two things in meetings that have stuck with me.  One person who struggled with active atheism was told by his sponsor, "Can you believe that I believe in a Higher Power?"  That was a starting point. 

The other thing I heard was:  "All I need to know about God is that I'm not Him."

In my experience with program there are two stages of the Higher Power proposition.  The first is accepting that you are not calling the shots for the universe.  There is some force outside of your control deciding that Joe down the street is going to have a heart attack next week, or that there is going to be an earthquake next month, or that you're going to suddenly have the worst food poisoning of your life the day you have a big interview.

The second part of the proposition is learning to trust that somehow things are going to work out for the best.  All you need to do is do the footwork (i.e. if you want a promotion then work hard and show up on time, if you want a college degree then enroll and go to your classes, if you don't want food poisoning then don't eat the leftovers growing mold in your fridge, etc.) and let The Great Whatever do the rest. 

This second proposition is much harder to reach.  It involves not only the understanding that you aren't in control of the world, but surrendering to whatever is. And us addicts hate surrendering anything.  It is the difference between deciding to sky dive and actually jumping out of the plane.  In my experience you can't force this part - it just comes with time.

But for today, you don't need to be at that second part of the proposition.  All you need to do today is reach the point where you know that "I'm not Him/Her."  And that isn't a hard point to reach.  On an intellectual level, most of us know that we didn't create the universe.  (Those that don't know this have much bigger troubles than compulsive overeating.)

But the most important thing about finding a Higher Power is understanding that it really doesn't matter if that Higher Power actually exists.  What matters is that you act as if you believe one does.  My sponsor once shared in a meeting that she didn't know if there really was a Higher Power out there.  But even if there was nothing - well, nothing was sure doing a better job running her life than she did.

Meditation: Growth

This last week has been a difficult one.  My boyfriend broke up with me.  My ex-husband took my son to see his family in Texas for Easter.  But most importantly, after looking at the relationship patterns I've gravitated towards, I realized that I use love as a drug - and I'm referring to that Hallmark, Valentine's Day kind of love, not the truly deep and intimate kind of love.  When things get bad, I move from one relationship into another - keeping a casual distance, putting the new person on a pedestal, and waiting for things to collapse before starting the process immediately over again. 

This is just one more outlet for my disease to keep me from coping with life, and so I have a cross addiction that I am now dealing with.  Which means I spent this week managing an empty house and a breakup without food, without alcohol, and without the lure of seeking out a new romantic partner.

Being without my son is always tough, but on Easter it was particularly difficult.  So last night I decided that it was time to do a guided meditation.  When working on my Second Step, I learned a number of guided meditations designed to help me grow closer to my Higher Power. 

My favorite of these meditations is one that involves going into your "inner temple."  The process is simple.  Lie down and get comfortable.  Picture that there is a light (pick a relaxing color, mine is a teal color but yours can be anything you like) that is moving from your feet and filling your body as it goes up to your head.  Once you are in a safe little cocoon of relaxation, let yourself drift up and out of your body.  You are going up and up to the clouds.  Ahead you see a big fluffy white cloud and your cocoon stops there and you step out onto that cloud.  Ahead of you is your temple.

The meditation goes on to tell you to approach the temple and go inside.  You let your mind wander and just watch what you do in there - it's like semi-active dreaming. 

It's up to you to picture what your temple looks like.  My temple used to always be a Greek ruin with a few tendrils of ivy going up the side.  The inside had broken floors - it looked like a place that had not seen a human being in centuries (if not longer).  There was a lone stone altar in the center, but nothing else.  I have always loved my meditation trips to my temple because I thought it was beautiful and special. (A bit of foreshadowing . . .)

I couldn't seem to get into my teal cocoon this time.  Instead I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole.  I was trapped inside this little popcorn kernel shaped shell, curled into fetal position - and it was like this that I went up to my clouds.  I thought about stopping the meditation and starting over, but figured I'd go with it.

This time when I went into my temple, it was like a lush botanical garden.  The structure was the same - the same pillars and vines, but this time the whole place was surrounded by lush plants and hanging vines of flowers. The floors were old and worn, still ancient, but they had that well-kept look that you see in old cathedrals in Europe.  My stone altar was still in the center, but it had a pristine white table cloth on it, with candles and flowers.  On one side of the altar there now was a throne where I knew my Higher Power sat.  Instead of a place of decay, everything was pristine - as though it was millennia old, but had been loved every single day of its long, long life.

Looking around my temple, I realized that the changes I was seeing were a reflection of my growth in program.  I am no longer a barren, broken down human being.  My temple before was very pretty, but this place was beautiful beyond compare.  I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given this chance to see the changes in myself.  After how rough this week has been, I'd been feeling like I had made no progress whatsoever - and yet here was the proof to the contrary.

I looked around and didn't see my Higher Power anywhere, but somehow I knew he wasn't far.  I looked down and in my hand there was the little kernel with me inside, and I realized it was a seed.  Down at the base of the throne there was a missing stone with a plot of really rich smelling soil.  I'm not much of a gardener (as my poor half-dead vegetable garden can attest) but if I were a plant, that is the kind of soil I'd want to live in!  So that's exactly what I did.  I knelt down and planted the seed that was me, and stepped back.  I knew that I had planted my seed in a safe place and that my Higher Power was there to watch me grow.  I didn't have to worry about water or sunshine - my Higher Power had that part.

I knelt down next to the plot of dirt and told my seed-self, "I know it hurts now, and I know growing is a struggle.  But keep fighting, because it will all be worth it once you break the surface and see the sunshine."  I was picturing my seed-self pushing against the walls of the seed, breaking out and struggling against the dirt to push up and to the sunshine. I realized that the feelings I'm having now are just that - I'm pushing through the dirt trying to reach the sunshine.

I came to after that and felt this sense of peace.  I know days are going to be difficult, but just for today I can have faith that the sunshine is going to be worth it.

I don't know if these meditations are just my subconscious giving me the information I need or a way for my Higher Power to reach  me, but either way: message gratefully received.

Life Without Disease-Ridden Thinking

Today's For Today Workbook posed the question "What would my life be like if I let my Higher Power free me completely from compulsive eating and disease-ridden thinking?"

I laughed when I read this, because I had just spent the previous hour writing a long email to my boyfriend explaining my thoughts and reactions to a long conversation we had discussing our relationship, where it was going, and what his concerns were going forward.  Among those concerns was the idea that I have a lot of chaos in my life.

I wanted to laugh in his face and tell him what my life was like before program.  If he wanted to see real chaos he should have met me then.  But this prompt came up in my workbook and I smiled.  Because it is precisely that disease-ridden thinking that means I have to put those thoughts into an email rather than tell him.  I get too distracted in person and go off topic.  But in an email I can organize my thoughts and prevent the rambling.

But the thing that struck me the most about this was just how much of the mental acrobatics I could avoid if I let go of my diseased thinking.  My thoughts wouldn't be turned on whether I was good enough or what someone else thinks of me.  I wouldn't need to stop myself to give the gentle reminder that other people's opinion of me is none of my business.  I wouldn't need to stop myself from going down a spiral of diseased thoughts when life throws me an unexpected curve ball.

I think that the best answer is to pray for my Higher Power to give me the willingness to let the diseased thinking go.  When I ask for relief when that diseased thinking strikes, I find I receive it very quickly.  I don't know that I'll ever reach a point where I won't have the diseased thinking.  Thankfully I do have tools to help me reduce the impact those thoughts have on my life.  So for today I'll aim for progress, not perfection, and hope for the best!

Why Sponsoring Yourself Fails and Facing Relapse

After a span of 15 months of solid abstinence, I slipped.  I have plenty of excuses for why it happened.  I was exhausted.  I was distracted.  But the fact remains that my 2-year-old son left part of a cookie on the floor.  I was cleaning up the assortment of cheerios, pretzels, fruit snacks, grapes, and other detritus he'd dropped on the floor that afternoon when I picked up a piece of cookie and popped it in my mouth. 

Had it stopped there, I may have salvaged my abstinence.  But once the cookie piece was in my mouth the curious insanity set in.  "It's already in my mouth, I might as well eat it."  We all have moments where we pop a food item in our mouth unthinking.  When this has happened to me in the past, I have spit out the food item and told my sponsor about it.  Well this time I was between sponsors - meaning I was my own sponsor.  I'll give you a hint - sponsoring yourself doesn't work.  Because you see, as my own sponsor, I told myself, "It's already in your mouth, you might as well eat it."

It was a slippery slide from there.  I bought my boyfriend a box of doughnuts.  My son took one and was done with it.  Well I wrapped it in a napkin and threw it away.  In a weak moment, I figured out that I had enough calories left in my daily budget to eat that doughnut.  Since it had been carefully wrapped before finding its way into the trash can, I figured it was fair game to eat.  Never mind that my baseline abstinence is no flour, no sugar, no compulsive eating behaviors (i.e., eating off the floor and pulling items out of the trash can).  I counted that as an abstinent treat because I budgeted for it in my calories.  I hadn't felt triggered by the cookie, and that doughnut hadn't set me off on a binge, so clearly I could handle flour and sugar again.  But to be safe I wouldn't eat any breads or salty treats - that might not go over as well.  I was the man who believed it safe to drink whiskey with his milk from the Big Book.

The next thing I knew, a few days later I went to the store and purchased six more doughnuts.  I budgeted them into my calories but wound up eating them all in one day.  So instead of a calorie cap for a day, I started using my calorie cap for the week.  I ate all six doughnuts, but now I was struggling to find a way to control my calories for the week.  Well then I started to look at my "average calories on plan" - this is something in my calorie counting application that tells me how many calories I typically am over or under budget per day over the span of my tracking period.  Now I figured as long as I averaged out being under calories I'd be fine.  So I bought and ate a dozen doughnuts over the course of two days.

When I got on the scale I discovered that in three weeks I had managed to gain eight pounds by steadily eating up the calorie deficits that I'd spent three months accumulating.  It was time to face the music.  I knew that my abstinence had been broken and I was in relapse.  So I did what any compulsive eater would do.  I went to the grocery store, picked up about $50 worth of binge foods, and took them home.  My son sat with me as I ate two Twinkies, a Hostess cupcake, a store made chocolate chip cookie, and about 9 Oreos.  (While eating I discovered they no longer tasted that good, much to my disappointment.)

It was then my son's bed time.  I got up to give him a bath and discovered I felt buzzed.  Being an alcoholic, I used to laugh when people described getting a buzz from food, but I honestly felt like I'd been drinking a bottle or two of wine.  I had a strong buzz.  I got sober when I got abstinent, so the two had always overlapped.  Now I knew that I was feeling that sugar high people spoke about.  I was high and I hated the feeling.  I gave my son a bath feeling completely numbed out and disconnected.  It was like life had lost its color, and I didn't want any more of that feeling.  I spent so many days wishing for sweet oblivion while I went through the pain of writing my fourth step, and here I was with that sweet oblivion and I discovered there was nothing sweet about it.

So I put my son in bed and proceeded to throw out the rest of the binge foods.  I then picked up the phone and asked someone to be my sponsor. 

When I first came into program I was suicidal and so desperate for help that handing my life over to the care of my sponsor was an incredible relief.  This time I wasn't holding the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I was living my life working the steps.  I was doing daily 10th steps.  I was praying and meditating.  I was saying the serenity prayer when things got difficult. What I wasn't doing was being honest with myself.  As soon as that honest appraisal happened, I did the most amazing thing:  I picked up the phone and used my tools.  I surrendered without the feeling that the world was crushing me.  For this gift of willingness I can only thank my Higher Power, because with my pride there is no doubt in my mind that I didn't surrender on my own.  I heard in meeting tonight that when we stop listening to God's whispers, he starts throwing bricks.  God had to throw skyscrapers before I came into the rooms and got abstinent.  Yet somehow I listened to the whisper over the roar of the food.

One of the horror stories we "grow up with" in program is the story of the person in relapse.  When you go out, you never know how long it's going to take you to come back in.  The fear of relapse is what kept me from acknowledging it for so long, because I had a fear-driven belief that relapse meant that I would gain all my weight back and more.  I'm down 135 pounds from my top weight.  That is a long road of pain and heart ache that I saw stretched before me.

Those stories gave me the idea that relapse was a creature with a mind of its own.  I would be hijacked by my disease, helpless to stop the weight gain.  I'd lose everything I'd gained in program, and gain everything I'd lost whether I wanted to or not!  And yet I have four days of abstinence.  The food speaks to me, but when the food talks to me, I talk to my sponsor.  I make outreach calls.  I do readings.  I go to meetings.  I am doing all those things I did before relapse when the food got loud.  And I am ending each day abstinent.  I will admit that I want to go back for more doughnuts.  That's fine to say and fine to feel.  But I don't have to act on those feelings and thoughts.  As long as I let myself be guided by my Higher Power working through my sponsor, I can choose abstinence.

Today's For Today Workbook posed the question:  "When has believing in the possibility of being abstinent enabled me to stay the course to better times?"  The answer is: today!  When I first got abstinent my sponsor told me that I didn't have to worry about tomorrow or next week or next year.  All I had to worry about is today.  For today, I can do anything.  So when the craving for that doughnut hit me, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and whispered to myself: "Not today.  Maybe tomorrow, but not today."  It was the mantra I used before relapse, and it worked just as well today as it did then.  The anxiety, the panic, the craving settled down.  Because I don't have to worry about tomorrow.  I believe I can follow my meal plan today.  I can't tell you about tomorrow or next week or next year, but for today, I can be abstinent.

A friend of mine with over twenty years of abstinence once told me that he really only has one day: today.  And for today, I've discovered that I can believe in abstinence.  I don't have to surrender to relapse.  I'm a compulsive overeater.  I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable.  It is the first step, and it's just as true day one abstinent as it is day 500 or 5,000.  I can't. God can.  I think I'll let God.

The Path

Knowing How To Listen

Lately I've found that God has been talking to me quite regularly.  Not in the literal "I hear God's voice and he told me that he likes cats and cheeseburgers" kind of way, but in the more subtle way that I think he's always tried to speak to me.  I just didn't know how to listen.

A few months ago, before I'd even started to contemplate sending my son to preschool, the manager at my grocery store noticed I was buying baby food and mentioned how amazing this one local preschool was.  I smiled, thanked him, and waited patiently as he wrote down the name for me.  I saved the piece of paper but it was out-of-sight-out-of-mind.  Last week, I decided it was about time to do something about that preschool issue.  Knowing my brother is one to research everything, I asked where he took my niece for preschool.  He said not to send my son to that preschool - the other parents around there are pretty awful but they didn't discover that until my niece had already made friends and they didn't want her to be forced to make new friends at a different preschool.  So my sister-in-law told me about the same preschool as the manager of the grocery store!

I call the program and ask for more information.  I am now scheduled for a Valentine's Day tour of the school at 10am.  While looking at the paperwork she sent me, I thought that the school was probably a bit more money than I wanted to spend.  After discussion, my husband agreed.  But instead of calling to cancel my spot at the tour I decided to check the school out just in case.  I didn't know why I wanted to bother - I'd already decided against it - but I listened to my instinct and went.

I didn't just like the school, I loved the school.  Hell, I want to be 2 years old to start with their itty bitty preschool program too!  I told my husband what I saw and he was as excited as I was.  So we got all the paperwork filled out and turned in.  It's in God's hands now whether they take my son. If not this year, then maybe next year!

After the tour of the preschool, I was scheduled to moderate a phone meeting for OA.  We were holding a Valentine's Day marathon.  The topic was the love of others, so after some thought I decided to pass along the Big Book pages my sponsor assigns for dealing with resentment [the condensed chunk is pages 60-62, 66-67, 417 and 552].  I wasn't sure how the meeting went because only four people were sharing.  I'd gotten good stuff out of the meeting, but shrugged and decided that having been of service was good enough for me.

I went to get dinner for my husband and I at my usual drive-thru.  For whatever reason, they didn't hear me order my husband's food.  So I went to another drive-thru that my husband likes [and isn't abstinent for me] to get him food.  Had I been listening, I would have broken one of the twenties in my wallet because I didn't have smaller change for my meeting that night!  I had two chances to break that twenty, but I didn't take it!

Later that night [after all the submitting of forms and getting other forms to the doctor's office etc. etc. etc.] I went to meet my sponsor in a farther off meeting.  While in the car, the songs on the radio were all ones that I didn't particularly care for.  So I switched from station to station to station looking for something to listen to.  Finally, I thought about the marathon of meetings.  Smiling, I called in. The second share after I signed into the phone meeting was from a woman who had attended my earlier meeting.  She mentioned in passing how it had been exactly what she needed to hear and she said it was a wonderful meeting.  The woman didn't know I was in call, so this was a huge compliment.  It made me feel so much better.

I attended meeting, ended up giving $12 because I hadn't gotten change for that $20 earlier [I figure that will be my contribution for the next few phone meetings - they ask you to give double at your next meeting].  After the meeting, I followed my sponsor to our abstinent restaurant to do some step work in the Big Book.  On the drive, I kept thinking about what I was going to do for the marathon meeting I was going to be leading on Monday.  Our President's Day theme is service.  As my sponsor took me through the preface and forwards, she had me write "service" in the margins next to every portion which discussed the work people did to grow the fellowship and carry the message on - pointing out that these people did this to stay sober.  I didn't tell her about the prompt, this just was what she wanted me to be getting from those pages.  And on the way home, I smiled and thanked God.

So I attended a tour that I didn't otherwise want to go on because of a hunch - and God showed me that this is where I should send my son.  Thank you for giving me an open mind, God!

I was concerned that I hadn't done a good job on my meeting, so God nudges me into the phone call in time to hear one of the women in my call share with others how wonderful my meeting had been.  Thank you for allowing me to hear that, God!

You tried to remind me to break that $20.  I'm sorry I wasn't listening, God.

I asked you for help preparing for a meeting.  Thank you for showing me the way through my sponsor, God!

I never used to believe in a Higher Power that cared about what I was doing or what happened to me.  The trick was just knowing how to listen!

"Every prayer is answered. Sometimes, however, the answer is 'no.'" - Mr. Sponsorpants

The Big Book tells us to avoid praying for our own selfish desires: "We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only.  We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped.  We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends." - Big Book, page 87

That is far easier said than done.  Since reading that, I have tried to be conscious of what I am praying for each time I address my Higher Power.  I have found that the vast majority of my entreaties are about things like, "please let that light stay green long enough for me to get through" or "please let the DVR have recorded my show this week!"  You know, the big, important selfish, minor things.  Things that will cater to my own comfort and desires.  I am working on consciously avoiding these kinds of prayers.  Frankly, if I'm going to get divine intervention, I'd rather use it for something big like: "please let my cancer be curable" or "please don't let my house catch on fire."

There are then the mixed prayers, things like "please let the baby sleep through the night" or "please don't let me be late for my dentist appointment."  There are quantifiable reasons why these prayers would help others.  My son needs to get his sleep for his health and growth.  If I am late for the dentist appointment it is likely to throw off the dental office's schedule putting them behind for the whole day.  I can say these prayers are helpful to others, but really what I am praying for are sleep and the lack of embarrassment respectively.  For the reasons above, I think these need to be minimized.

But there are other kinds of mixed prayers that I think definitely get the green light.  For example, "please don't let my baby catch the flu" or "please let my husband's blood test results come back negative for [insert disease here]."  I definitely have a personal stake in the health and well-being of my loved ones.  If my baby gets sick that means I am going to be caring for him round the clock, and likely will be sick as well.  Additionally, if my husband has some kind of illness, you can bet I'm going to hear about it ad nauseum if I'm not an active participant in the recovery process.  But in those instances, the prayers are directed toward the fact that I want my family to be healthy for no other reason than that I love them and wish the best for them. 

So I am hoping that if I cut out the selfish, unimportant prayers I will have better chances that my important prayers aren't going to get "no" as the answer.

Relationship With God

This is an excerpt from a blog written by an incredible young woman named Sheila.

"Having a relationship with an infinite, all-knowing, all-powerful being who doesn't talk back is really, really hard.

This post is to summarize those things I do know about God. Some of them are things I know by instinct; others I have to remind myself over and over again, because there's a part of me that can't quite wrap my head around them. I find myself just defaulting to Jerk-God because the real God is just too puzzling to understand.

What do I know about God?

First, I know his definition. He is the creator of all things. That is what most people mean when they say "God." I tend to explain by saying that all things we know of in this world have a temporal beginning and a cause. But we know, because the universe is here at all, that something had to come behind all these causes -- something different, something that didn't have a temporal beginning or a cause. . . .

And when I look at the created world, really look at it, I feel like the person who made all these things is someone I would very much like. I mean, think about it. He could have created us like the plants, just needing some sunshine but never having to eat. But he made us able to bite into a juicy steak or crunchy apple. We could have reproduced by budding, but he gave us sex, pregnancy, birth -- things so weird and wonderful I sometimes imagine the trouble I would have explaining them to aliens. He didn't paint everything with a broad brush; every detail of creation is worked out perfectly, so that no microscope can see the infinitesimally small but absolutely organized structure of everything.

This comforts me more than anything. I know that Jerk-God could never create this wonder. Jerk-God would have had the world be so much less fun. Real God gave us a place we could really delight in, because he wanted us to be happy.

Someone who would go to the trouble of all that creating wasn't going to be happy just setting us on our way and letting us go. He wanted to have an actual relationship with us. Now I think we all know that it's impossible to have a real relationship that's forced in any way. God made us able to say no to him. . . .

This God is someone who is awfully eager to get to know us. . . .

I was struggling internally a few weeks ago with all this when [her son] started singing to himself. He sang a song from Mr. Rogers: "It's you I like, the way you are right now, way down deep inside you." I couldn't help but think, "If Mr. Rogers can love me just the way I am, what kind of person is God if he can't manage the same?"

It's hard to believe in this. It is so, so hard to believe that at the same moment a person could know everything about you, and I mean everything ... and at the same time love you. It's hard to believe that there could be a person who couldn't deceive or be deceived, who is pure unchanging truth ... and at the same time love you.

We tend to pick one or the other, love OR truth. Either God lies and says everything I do is a-okay and I never do anything wrong, in which case he can love me, or he sees the reality of what I am and the people I've hurt and the lies I've told, in which case he can't possibly love me. I think this is one of the mysteries of God that we'll never fully understand, how he can see us and our faults and still smile at us, the way I smile at my boys, and say, "I love you just the way you are, not later when you've earned it, but right now."

All of my spiritual life . . . has been a process of trying to be worthy, to be good enough. I feel that God has made a terrible mistake by loving me, and the only way to make it right is to try to be good enough so it won't be such a mistake. . . .

. . .  I want to be a better person because everyone wants to be a better person, this is a good thing to do. But God isn't my personal trainer. Sometimes he might want to talk about other stuff besides how awful I am.

In fact, I think that, if he's anything like all the other people who love me, he doesn't like hearing about how awful I am. Think how you feel, if a person you love starts bashing themselves. You want to run in and yell, "Don't talk that way about the person I love!" Why wouldn't God be the same?

To understand God, I have to redefine my terms.

God loves me.
Old definition: God tolerates me and gives me things for no apparent reason, considering how much I suck.
New definition: God actually likes me, enjoys being with me, and sees all the good in me.

God wants me to be happy.
Old definition: I'd better do what God wants, even if it makes me miserable, because if I don't things are going to be even worse.
New definition: God wants me to be happy, and if I'm not, it isn't his doing. He hates seeing me suffer, and though he can't always rush in to fix everything, he really does care about my struggles.
. . .

If God is like this, I really do want to know him. Not because I feel guilty that he loves me so much and I've loved him so little in return. God can handle that. He wouldn't have created mankind if he couldn't take a little rejection, and anyway I actually do love God at least to some extent, so it's not like he's actually getting rejected by me. The reason I want to get to know God is because he seems like the sort of person I would like to know."

Just a Thought. . .

"I can't think my way into right acting, but I can act my way into right thinking."   - Unknown

Third Step Prayer

The Third Step Prayer can be found on page 63 of the Big Book, second paragraph:

God, I offer myself to Thee -
to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!