Once I was able to get past the initial fact that I not only needed a higher power, but I needed to surrender to it, I did the first thing I could think of: I went to church.
I was raised Catholic but stopped going to church when I went to college. This happened to coincide with a big wave of scandals and a huge payment of damages to the victims of sexual abuse by priests. But what rocked my faith the most was the fact that the priest of the mass I regularly attended was one of the people on the news for molesting small boys. This is the man I received communion from; the man I gave confessions to.
It started out first that my faith in the Church was shaken, and then my faith in Christianity as I began to learn more of the history of the Church and the bible. I'd always had difficulty relating to Jesus. Not that I didn't respect his teachings, but I'd just never been able to reach a point of believing in him as my "Lord and Savior."
So now, here I was more than a decade later trying to get back to a point of faith. I sat in mass and found myself fighting not to roll my eyes. I felt out of place and uncomfortable there. I tried staying late to sit in silence in the church and pray, but I still felt like an interloper. I didn't give up immediately. I kept going to mass, sometimes taking my young son with me. But the feeling that I was a fraud kept plaguing me.
So I went to my sponsor and asked for help. She told me that if I didn't like the Catholic God, then I should just make my own Higher Power.
In a meeting, I once heard a man share how he found his own Higher Power. His sponsor told him to take a piece of notebook paper and fold it in half length-wise (i.e. like a hot dog). One one side, he was to write all the things he hated about organized religion and the religious beliefs of others. On the other side he was to write down all the good things, and the things he'd want in his own higher power. Once this was completed, his sponsor told him to rip the sheet in half down that dividing line. Here were the applicants for the job of his Higher Power. Now he could throw out the ass-hole he didn't like and hire the one he did.
So I started my research. I looked into theologians like former Dominican priest Matthew Fox, Judaism, eastern religions, I even spent a good deal of time looking into paganism. In fact, one of the most helpful books I read was Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religion by River and Joyce Higginbotham. That book described various faith systems, ways people look at religion, and even talks about scientific findings that could support the basis of an earth-based faith. But most importantly it taught me ways to meditate and pray that were deeply meaningful to me.
It was almost a four month process of research, meditation, and reflection that led me to the point where I now had a Higher Power with capital letters. I was able to look back on the way that program had changed my life, and how I had changed as a result of program. These were things I had never been able to achieve on my own. Finally I knew I had found the belief that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I had at last taken the second step.
Showing posts with label Second Step. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Second Step. Show all posts
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Finding a Higher Power, Part 1
When I came into program I didn't have a higher power let alone a Higher Power with capital letters. It isn't to say I didn't believe in God. Being an atheist involves a certain measure of faith. While it is impossible to concretely prove the existence of a Higher Power, it is also impossible to concretely disprove the existence of some Higher Power. So the act of being an atheist is as much an act of faith as the belief that Christ is the Son of God or that Buddha obtained enlightenment. And faith was something I was fresh out of. So I was indifferent to the notion that there was a deity out there, but one thing I was most certain of was that any deity that might exist most certainly wasn't interested in me.
So I needed some sort of starting point. I have met people who have chosen non-deity Higher Powers, such as mathematics (no matter how much you dislike the outcome, 2+2 does not equal 5), the laws of physics (gravity is a cruel taskmaster. . .), mother nature (not much you can do if good ol' mother nature decides to drop a tornado on your head at lunch time), the door knob (this seems to be the classic example I hear in meetings, so for a few months I told the door knob on a regular basis what a shit job it was doing running the universe), the ceiling ("I am powerless over whether that ceiling decides to collapse and crush me"), their sponsor (if you have made them your "boss" then you have placed them as a "Higher Power" over you - although this one is a sticky one long term), the people in the OA rooms (this was the route I went with once I stopped thinking that the requirement for a higher power was stupid), a celebrity (I've heard people go with Chuck Norris' beard, Burt Reynolds, Burt Reynolds' moustache, and other such silliness - but guess what: it worked for them), time (you can't stop it and you can't control it), and the universe (we can all agree that the universe exists).
I have heard two things in meetings that have stuck with me. One person who struggled with active atheism was told by his sponsor, "Can you believe that I believe in a Higher Power?" That was a starting point.
The other thing I heard was: "All I need to know about God is that I'm not Him."
In my experience with program there are two stages of the Higher Power proposition. The first is accepting that you are not calling the shots for the universe. There is some force outside of your control deciding that Joe down the street is going to have a heart attack next week, or that there is going to be an earthquake next month, or that you're going to suddenly have the worst food poisoning of your life the day you have a big interview.
The second part of the proposition is learning to trust that somehow things are going to work out for the best. All you need to do is do the footwork (i.e. if you want a promotion then work hard and show up on time, if you want a college degree then enroll and go to your classes, if you don't want food poisoning then don't eat the leftovers growing mold in your fridge, etc.) and let The Great Whatever do the rest.
This second proposition is much harder to reach. It involves not only the understanding that you aren't in control of the world, but surrendering to whatever is. And us addicts hate surrendering anything. It is the difference between deciding to sky dive and actually jumping out of the plane. In my experience you can't force this part - it just comes with time.
But for today, you don't need to be at that second part of the proposition. All you need to do today is reach the point where you know that "I'm not Him/Her." And that isn't a hard point to reach. On an intellectual level, most of us know that we didn't create the universe. (Those that don't know this have much bigger troubles than compulsive overeating.)
But the most important thing about finding a Higher Power is understanding that it really doesn't matter if that Higher Power actually exists. What matters is that you act as if you believe one does. My sponsor once shared in a meeting that she didn't know if there really was a Higher Power out there. But even if there was nothing - well, nothing was sure doing a better job running her life than she did.
So I needed some sort of starting point. I have met people who have chosen non-deity Higher Powers, such as mathematics (no matter how much you dislike the outcome, 2+2 does not equal 5), the laws of physics (gravity is a cruel taskmaster. . .), mother nature (not much you can do if good ol' mother nature decides to drop a tornado on your head at lunch time), the door knob (this seems to be the classic example I hear in meetings, so for a few months I told the door knob on a regular basis what a shit job it was doing running the universe), the ceiling ("I am powerless over whether that ceiling decides to collapse and crush me"), their sponsor (if you have made them your "boss" then you have placed them as a "Higher Power" over you - although this one is a sticky one long term), the people in the OA rooms (this was the route I went with once I stopped thinking that the requirement for a higher power was stupid), a celebrity (I've heard people go with Chuck Norris' beard, Burt Reynolds, Burt Reynolds' moustache, and other such silliness - but guess what: it worked for them), time (you can't stop it and you can't control it), and the universe (we can all agree that the universe exists).
I have heard two things in meetings that have stuck with me. One person who struggled with active atheism was told by his sponsor, "Can you believe that I believe in a Higher Power?" That was a starting point.
The other thing I heard was: "All I need to know about God is that I'm not Him."
In my experience with program there are two stages of the Higher Power proposition. The first is accepting that you are not calling the shots for the universe. There is some force outside of your control deciding that Joe down the street is going to have a heart attack next week, or that there is going to be an earthquake next month, or that you're going to suddenly have the worst food poisoning of your life the day you have a big interview.
The second part of the proposition is learning to trust that somehow things are going to work out for the best. All you need to do is do the footwork (i.e. if you want a promotion then work hard and show up on time, if you want a college degree then enroll and go to your classes, if you don't want food poisoning then don't eat the leftovers growing mold in your fridge, etc.) and let The Great Whatever do the rest.
This second proposition is much harder to reach. It involves not only the understanding that you aren't in control of the world, but surrendering to whatever is. And us addicts hate surrendering anything. It is the difference between deciding to sky dive and actually jumping out of the plane. In my experience you can't force this part - it just comes with time.
But for today, you don't need to be at that second part of the proposition. All you need to do today is reach the point where you know that "I'm not Him/Her." And that isn't a hard point to reach. On an intellectual level, most of us know that we didn't create the universe. (Those that don't know this have much bigger troubles than compulsive overeating.)
But the most important thing about finding a Higher Power is understanding that it really doesn't matter if that Higher Power actually exists. What matters is that you act as if you believe one does. My sponsor once shared in a meeting that she didn't know if there really was a Higher Power out there. But even if there was nothing - well, nothing was sure doing a better job running her life than she did.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Meditation: Growth
This last week has been a difficult one. My boyfriend broke up with me. My ex-husband took my son to see his family in Texas for Easter. But most importantly, after looking at the relationship patterns I've gravitated towards, I realized that I use love as a drug - and I'm referring to that Hallmark, Valentine's Day kind of love, not the truly deep and intimate kind of love. When things get bad, I move from one relationship into another - keeping a casual distance, putting the new person on a pedestal, and waiting for things to collapse before starting the process immediately over again.
This is just one more outlet for my disease to keep me from coping with life, and so I have a cross addiction that I am now dealing with. Which means I spent this week managing an empty house and a breakup without food, without alcohol, and without the lure of seeking out a new romantic partner.
Being without my son is always tough, but on Easter it was particularly difficult. So last night I decided that it was time to do a guided meditation. When working on my Second Step, I learned a number of guided meditations designed to help me grow closer to my Higher Power.
My favorite of these meditations is one that involves going into your "inner temple." The process is simple. Lie down and get comfortable. Picture that there is a light (pick a relaxing color, mine is a teal color but yours can be anything you like) that is moving from your feet and filling your body as it goes up to your head. Once you are in a safe little cocoon of relaxation, let yourself drift up and out of your body. You are going up and up to the clouds. Ahead you see a big fluffy white cloud and your cocoon stops there and you step out onto that cloud. Ahead of you is your temple.
The meditation goes on to tell you to approach the temple and go inside. You let your mind wander and just watch what you do in there - it's like semi-active dreaming.
It's up to you to picture what your temple looks like. My temple used to always be a Greek ruin with a few tendrils of ivy going up the side. The inside had broken floors - it looked like a place that had not seen a human being in centuries (if not longer). There was a lone stone altar in the center, but nothing else. I have always loved my meditation trips to my temple because I thought it was beautiful and special. (A bit of foreshadowing . . .)
I couldn't seem to get into my teal cocoon this time. Instead I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I was trapped inside this little popcorn kernel shaped shell, curled into fetal position - and it was like this that I went up to my clouds. I thought about stopping the meditation and starting over, but figured I'd go with it.
This time when I went into my temple, it was like a lush botanical garden. The structure was the same - the same pillars and vines, but this time the whole place was surrounded by lush plants and hanging vines of flowers. The floors were old and worn, still ancient, but they had that well-kept look that you see in old cathedrals in Europe. My stone altar was still in the center, but it had a pristine white table cloth on it, with candles and flowers. On one side of the altar there now was a throne where I knew my Higher Power sat. Instead of a place of decay, everything was pristine - as though it was millennia old, but had been loved every single day of its long, long life.
Looking around my temple, I realized that the changes I was seeing were a reflection of my growth in program. I am no longer a barren, broken down human being. My temple before was very pretty, but this place was beautiful beyond compare. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given this chance to see the changes in myself. After how rough this week has been, I'd been feeling like I had made no progress whatsoever - and yet here was the proof to the contrary.
I looked around and didn't see my Higher Power anywhere, but somehow I knew he wasn't far. I looked down and in my hand there was the little kernel with me inside, and I realized it was a seed. Down at the base of the throne there was a missing stone with a plot of really rich smelling soil. I'm not much of a gardener (as my poor half-dead vegetable garden can attest) but if I were a plant, that is the kind of soil I'd want to live in! So that's exactly what I did. I knelt down and planted the seed that was me, and stepped back. I knew that I had planted my seed in a safe place and that my Higher Power was there to watch me grow. I didn't have to worry about water or sunshine - my Higher Power had that part.
I knelt down next to the plot of dirt and told my seed-self, "I know it hurts now, and I know growing is a struggle. But keep fighting, because it will all be worth it once you break the surface and see the sunshine." I was picturing my seed-self pushing against the walls of the seed, breaking out and struggling against the dirt to push up and to the sunshine. I realized that the feelings I'm having now are just that - I'm pushing through the dirt trying to reach the sunshine.
I came to after that and felt this sense of peace. I know days are going to be difficult, but just for today I can have faith that the sunshine is going to be worth it.
I don't know if these meditations are just my subconscious giving me the information I need or a way for my Higher Power to reach me, but either way: message gratefully received.
This is just one more outlet for my disease to keep me from coping with life, and so I have a cross addiction that I am now dealing with. Which means I spent this week managing an empty house and a breakup without food, without alcohol, and without the lure of seeking out a new romantic partner.
Being without my son is always tough, but on Easter it was particularly difficult. So last night I decided that it was time to do a guided meditation. When working on my Second Step, I learned a number of guided meditations designed to help me grow closer to my Higher Power.
My favorite of these meditations is one that involves going into your "inner temple." The process is simple. Lie down and get comfortable. Picture that there is a light (pick a relaxing color, mine is a teal color but yours can be anything you like) that is moving from your feet and filling your body as it goes up to your head. Once you are in a safe little cocoon of relaxation, let yourself drift up and out of your body. You are going up and up to the clouds. Ahead you see a big fluffy white cloud and your cocoon stops there and you step out onto that cloud. Ahead of you is your temple.
The meditation goes on to tell you to approach the temple and go inside. You let your mind wander and just watch what you do in there - it's like semi-active dreaming.
It's up to you to picture what your temple looks like. My temple used to always be a Greek ruin with a few tendrils of ivy going up the side. The inside had broken floors - it looked like a place that had not seen a human being in centuries (if not longer). There was a lone stone altar in the center, but nothing else. I have always loved my meditation trips to my temple because I thought it was beautiful and special. (A bit of foreshadowing . . .)
I couldn't seem to get into my teal cocoon this time. Instead I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I was trapped inside this little popcorn kernel shaped shell, curled into fetal position - and it was like this that I went up to my clouds. I thought about stopping the meditation and starting over, but figured I'd go with it.
This time when I went into my temple, it was like a lush botanical garden. The structure was the same - the same pillars and vines, but this time the whole place was surrounded by lush plants and hanging vines of flowers. The floors were old and worn, still ancient, but they had that well-kept look that you see in old cathedrals in Europe. My stone altar was still in the center, but it had a pristine white table cloth on it, with candles and flowers. On one side of the altar there now was a throne where I knew my Higher Power sat. Instead of a place of decay, everything was pristine - as though it was millennia old, but had been loved every single day of its long, long life.
Looking around my temple, I realized that the changes I was seeing were a reflection of my growth in program. I am no longer a barren, broken down human being. My temple before was very pretty, but this place was beautiful beyond compare. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given this chance to see the changes in myself. After how rough this week has been, I'd been feeling like I had made no progress whatsoever - and yet here was the proof to the contrary.
I looked around and didn't see my Higher Power anywhere, but somehow I knew he wasn't far. I looked down and in my hand there was the little kernel with me inside, and I realized it was a seed. Down at the base of the throne there was a missing stone with a plot of really rich smelling soil. I'm not much of a gardener (as my poor half-dead vegetable garden can attest) but if I were a plant, that is the kind of soil I'd want to live in! So that's exactly what I did. I knelt down and planted the seed that was me, and stepped back. I knew that I had planted my seed in a safe place and that my Higher Power was there to watch me grow. I didn't have to worry about water or sunshine - my Higher Power had that part.
I knelt down next to the plot of dirt and told my seed-self, "I know it hurts now, and I know growing is a struggle. But keep fighting, because it will all be worth it once you break the surface and see the sunshine." I was picturing my seed-self pushing against the walls of the seed, breaking out and struggling against the dirt to push up and to the sunshine. I realized that the feelings I'm having now are just that - I'm pushing through the dirt trying to reach the sunshine.
I came to after that and felt this sense of peace. I know days are going to be difficult, but just for today I can have faith that the sunshine is going to be worth it.
I don't know if these meditations are just my subconscious giving me the information I need or a way for my Higher Power to reach me, but either way: message gratefully received.
Friday, April 4, 2014
A Metaphor
Today I wanted to make a long outreach call, but having a very high energy toddler on my hands I knew that was unlikely to happen. So in a moment of mad inspiration, I did what any mother would do. I taught him how to drive.
In reality, he was sitting on my lap while I allowed the car to roll forward at a staggering 4 miles per hour. He steered and I gently reached in to correct the wheel when he looked likely to hit a curb as we rolled our way around our cul-de-sac. A few neighbors paused to call some greetings to us, and the bright smile on my son's face was infectious.
Every once in a while he didn't want to let me correct his steering and swatted my hands away. When that happened, I applied the breaks and told him he wasn't going anywhere until he let me help. He pouted but eventually realized that he needed my cooperation if he wanted to keep driving.
I realized with surprise just how much this is like my own interactions with my Higher Power. When I allow Him to gently guide me, He lets me steer and keeps things moving forward. But when I refuse help, He puts on the brakes and lets me sit in frustrated misery until I'm willing to surrender.
In reality, he was sitting on my lap while I allowed the car to roll forward at a staggering 4 miles per hour. He steered and I gently reached in to correct the wheel when he looked likely to hit a curb as we rolled our way around our cul-de-sac. A few neighbors paused to call some greetings to us, and the bright smile on my son's face was infectious.
Every once in a while he didn't want to let me correct his steering and swatted my hands away. When that happened, I applied the breaks and told him he wasn't going anywhere until he let me help. He pouted but eventually realized that he needed my cooperation if he wanted to keep driving.
I realized with surprise just how much this is like my own interactions with my Higher Power. When I allow Him to gently guide me, He lets me steer and keeps things moving forward. But when I refuse help, He puts on the brakes and lets me sit in frustrated misery until I'm willing to surrender.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Relationship With God
This is an excerpt from a blog written by an incredible young woman named Sheila.
"Having a relationship with an infinite, all-knowing, all-powerful being who doesn't talk back is really, really hard.
This post is to summarize those things I do know about God. Some of them are things I know by instinct; others I have to remind myself over and over again, because there's a part of me that can't quite wrap my head around them. I find myself just defaulting to Jerk-God because the real God is just too puzzling to understand.
What do I know about God?
First, I know his definition. He is the creator of all things. That is what most people mean when they say "God." I tend to explain by saying that all things we know of in this world have a temporal beginning and a cause. But we know, because the universe is here at all, that something had to come behind all these causes -- something different, something that didn't have a temporal beginning or a cause. . . .
And when I look at the created world, really look at it, I feel like the person who made all these things is someone I would very much like. I mean, think about it. He could have created us like the plants, just needing some sunshine but never having to eat. But he made us able to bite into a juicy steak or crunchy apple. We could have reproduced by budding, but he gave us sex, pregnancy, birth -- things so weird and wonderful I sometimes imagine the trouble I would have explaining them to aliens. He didn't paint everything with a broad brush; every detail of creation is worked out perfectly, so that no microscope can see the infinitesimally small but absolutely organized structure of everything.
This comforts me more than anything. I know that Jerk-God could never create this wonder. Jerk-God would have had the world be so much less fun. Real God gave us a place we could really delight in, because he wanted us to be happy.
Someone who would go to the trouble of all that creating wasn't going to be happy just setting us on our way and letting us go. He wanted to have an actual relationship with us. Now I think we all know that it's impossible to have a real relationship that's forced in any way. God made us able to say no to him. . . .
This God is someone who is awfully eager to get to know us. . . .
I was struggling internally a few weeks ago with all this when [her son] started singing to himself. He sang a song from Mr. Rogers: "It's you I like, the way you are right now, way down deep inside you." I couldn't help but think, "If Mr. Rogers can love me just the way I am, what kind of person is God if he can't manage the same?"
It's hard to believe in this. It is so, so hard to believe that at the same moment a person could know everything about you, and I mean everything ... and at the same time love you. It's hard to believe that there could be a person who couldn't deceive or be deceived, who is pure unchanging truth ... and at the same time love you.
We tend to pick one or the other, love OR truth. Either God lies and says everything I do is a-okay and I never do anything wrong, in which case he can love me, or he sees the reality of what I am and the people I've hurt and the lies I've told, in which case he can't possibly love me. I think this is one of the mysteries of God that we'll never fully understand, how he can see us and our faults and still smile at us, the way I smile at my boys, and say, "I love you just the way you are, not later when you've earned it, but right now."
All of my spiritual life . . . has been a process of trying to be worthy, to be good enough. I feel that God has made a terrible mistake by loving me, and the only way to make it right is to try to be good enough so it won't be such a mistake. . . .
. . . I want to be a better person because everyone wants to be a better person, this is a good thing to do. But God isn't my personal trainer. Sometimes he might want to talk about other stuff besides how awful I am.
In fact, I think that, if he's anything like all the other people who love me, he doesn't like hearing about how awful I am. Think how you feel, if a person you love starts bashing themselves. You want to run in and yell, "Don't talk that way about the person I love!" Why wouldn't God be the same?
To understand God, I have to redefine my terms.
God loves me.
Old definition: God tolerates me and gives me things for no apparent reason, considering how much I suck.
New definition: God actually likes me, enjoys being with me, and sees all the good in me.
God wants me to be happy.
Old definition: I'd better do what God wants, even if it makes me miserable, because if I don't things are going to be even worse.
New definition: God wants me to be happy, and if I'm not, it isn't his doing. He hates seeing me suffer, and though he can't always rush in to fix everything, he really does care about my struggles.
. . .
If God is like this, I really do want to know him. Not because I feel guilty that he loves me so much and I've loved him so little in return. God can handle that. He wouldn't have created mankind if he couldn't take a little rejection, and anyway I actually do love God at least to some extent, so it's not like he's actually getting rejected by me. The reason I want to get to know God is because he seems like the sort of person I would like to know."
"Having a relationship with an infinite, all-knowing, all-powerful being who doesn't talk back is really, really hard.
This post is to summarize those things I do know about God. Some of them are things I know by instinct; others I have to remind myself over and over again, because there's a part of me that can't quite wrap my head around them. I find myself just defaulting to Jerk-God because the real God is just too puzzling to understand.
What do I know about God?
First, I know his definition. He is the creator of all things. That is what most people mean when they say "God." I tend to explain by saying that all things we know of in this world have a temporal beginning and a cause. But we know, because the universe is here at all, that something had to come behind all these causes -- something different, something that didn't have a temporal beginning or a cause. . . .
And when I look at the created world, really look at it, I feel like the person who made all these things is someone I would very much like. I mean, think about it. He could have created us like the plants, just needing some sunshine but never having to eat. But he made us able to bite into a juicy steak or crunchy apple. We could have reproduced by budding, but he gave us sex, pregnancy, birth -- things so weird and wonderful I sometimes imagine the trouble I would have explaining them to aliens. He didn't paint everything with a broad brush; every detail of creation is worked out perfectly, so that no microscope can see the infinitesimally small but absolutely organized structure of everything.
This comforts me more than anything. I know that Jerk-God could never create this wonder. Jerk-God would have had the world be so much less fun. Real God gave us a place we could really delight in, because he wanted us to be happy.
Someone who would go to the trouble of all that creating wasn't going to be happy just setting us on our way and letting us go. He wanted to have an actual relationship with us. Now I think we all know that it's impossible to have a real relationship that's forced in any way. God made us able to say no to him. . . .
This God is someone who is awfully eager to get to know us. . . .
I was struggling internally a few weeks ago with all this when [her son] started singing to himself. He sang a song from Mr. Rogers: "It's you I like, the way you are right now, way down deep inside you." I couldn't help but think, "If Mr. Rogers can love me just the way I am, what kind of person is God if he can't manage the same?"
It's hard to believe in this. It is so, so hard to believe that at the same moment a person could know everything about you, and I mean everything ... and at the same time love you. It's hard to believe that there could be a person who couldn't deceive or be deceived, who is pure unchanging truth ... and at the same time love you.
We tend to pick one or the other, love OR truth. Either God lies and says everything I do is a-okay and I never do anything wrong, in which case he can love me, or he sees the reality of what I am and the people I've hurt and the lies I've told, in which case he can't possibly love me. I think this is one of the mysteries of God that we'll never fully understand, how he can see us and our faults and still smile at us, the way I smile at my boys, and say, "I love you just the way you are, not later when you've earned it, but right now."
All of my spiritual life . . . has been a process of trying to be worthy, to be good enough. I feel that God has made a terrible mistake by loving me, and the only way to make it right is to try to be good enough so it won't be such a mistake. . . .
. . . I want to be a better person because everyone wants to be a better person, this is a good thing to do. But God isn't my personal trainer. Sometimes he might want to talk about other stuff besides how awful I am.
In fact, I think that, if he's anything like all the other people who love me, he doesn't like hearing about how awful I am. Think how you feel, if a person you love starts bashing themselves. You want to run in and yell, "Don't talk that way about the person I love!" Why wouldn't God be the same?
To understand God, I have to redefine my terms.
God loves me.
Old definition: God tolerates me and gives me things for no apparent reason, considering how much I suck.
New definition: God actually likes me, enjoys being with me, and sees all the good in me.
God wants me to be happy.
Old definition: I'd better do what God wants, even if it makes me miserable, because if I don't things are going to be even worse.
New definition: God wants me to be happy, and if I'm not, it isn't his doing. He hates seeing me suffer, and though he can't always rush in to fix everything, he really does care about my struggles.
. . .
If God is like this, I really do want to know him. Not because I feel guilty that he loves me so much and I've loved him so little in return. God can handle that. He wouldn't have created mankind if he couldn't take a little rejection, and anyway I actually do love God at least to some extent, so it's not like he's actually getting rejected by me. The reason I want to get to know God is because he seems like the sort of person I would like to know."
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
One Thread At A Time
"Weaving the Fabric of Our Lives" - Beyond Our Wildest Dreams, p. 175
"The image of my Higher power lovingly guiding the weaving of my recovery tapestry - spiritual, emotional, and physical - adds to my peace and serenity. As long as I use the tools . . . my recovery tapestry will not unravel, and I will continue to move forward in my recovery." - Voices of Recovery, p. 8
I remember one of my first outreach calls I made on my current sponsor's instructions. I kept asking N. about whether I would ever eat bread again, among other things. She said "I don't know, but not today." Any time I asked a panicked question about the future, that was her response. Eventually I took up the same philosophy. It tracks well with what you hear in meetings and from the readings - recovery happens one day at a time. All it takes is one day of compulsive overeating and the person who had twenty years of abstinence now has zero days. It is so easy to slip.
But I love the image of the tapestry. I read this passage and had the mental image that every day I am abstinent I am adding one more thread to my tapestry. So I will build my life, my recovery one day and one thread at a time.
"The image of my Higher power lovingly guiding the weaving of my recovery tapestry - spiritual, emotional, and physical - adds to my peace and serenity. As long as I use the tools . . . my recovery tapestry will not unravel, and I will continue to move forward in my recovery." - Voices of Recovery, p. 8
I remember one of my first outreach calls I made on my current sponsor's instructions. I kept asking N. about whether I would ever eat bread again, among other things. She said "I don't know, but not today." Any time I asked a panicked question about the future, that was her response. Eventually I took up the same philosophy. It tracks well with what you hear in meetings and from the readings - recovery happens one day at a time. All it takes is one day of compulsive overeating and the person who had twenty years of abstinence now has zero days. It is so easy to slip.
But I love the image of the tapestry. I read this passage and had the mental image that every day I am abstinent I am adding one more thread to my tapestry. So I will build my life, my recovery one day and one thread at a time.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
God's Messengers
"Sponsors, OA friends, meetings, and literature are wonerful sources of help for us. We wouldn't want to be without any of these resources because we often find God speaks to us through them." - The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 98
"God speaks to me through other people, especially my sponsor, when I listen." - Voices of Recovery, p. 362
I laughed a bit when I read today's Voices of Recovery. This is my last step of program work before I go to bed. I've done any journaling I am going to do. Attended all meetings I'm going to attend. Made all my calls. Done all my readings. And now, I read my Voices of Recovery, write a quick little response about it, and snuggle up for a night of peaceful rest [baby permitting]. Today, my journaling was on the way that the meeting and the readings today spoke to me about the very things which had been weighing on my mind the past day.
The past weeks the Big Book study group I attend on Thursday nights has been talking about how to approach and speak to a person who is interested in the program. At the time I remember thinking that I wouldn't need to read this chapter for a long time, thinking that I wished we were talking about something that actually applied to me and applied to me now. But as usual, God knew best. Yesterday I was in a position where I would need the exact passages that we read in the study meeting I attended.
All my life I kept asking and asking for God to give me faith. For God to let me know the answer to this question or that. I wonder how many times he was trying to answer, but I just wasn't listening.
"God speaks to me through other people, especially my sponsor, when I listen." - Voices of Recovery, p. 362
I laughed a bit when I read today's Voices of Recovery. This is my last step of program work before I go to bed. I've done any journaling I am going to do. Attended all meetings I'm going to attend. Made all my calls. Done all my readings. And now, I read my Voices of Recovery, write a quick little response about it, and snuggle up for a night of peaceful rest [baby permitting]. Today, my journaling was on the way that the meeting and the readings today spoke to me about the very things which had been weighing on my mind the past day.
The past weeks the Big Book study group I attend on Thursday nights has been talking about how to approach and speak to a person who is interested in the program. At the time I remember thinking that I wouldn't need to read this chapter for a long time, thinking that I wished we were talking about something that actually applied to me and applied to me now. But as usual, God knew best. Yesterday I was in a position where I would need the exact passages that we read in the study meeting I attended.
All my life I kept asking and asking for God to give me faith. For God to let me know the answer to this question or that. I wonder how many times he was trying to answer, but I just wasn't listening.
God and the Willingness to be Willing
Today I sat in on a phone meeting that I normally would not have attended because I am going to be having [abstinent] dinner with family friends. So it came as a surprise that the meeting topic was something that had been on my mind all day: the willingness to be willing.
To go back a step, I want to talk a bit about my abstinence. I love my sponsor, and I love my program. When I came into program this second time I wanted to be in the driver's seat. I saw the program as a tool that I could use in building my own recovery. But after 2 months of being abstinent with my own program and not seeing any improvement, I realized that I couldn't do this alone.
So I told myself I couldn't just wait for the right sponsor to drop into my lap. I would pick up the first sponsor I could and just run with it until I found my perfect sponsor. The very next meeting I attended, my sponsor's close friend was the speaker. I listened to his story and thought he was really wonderful. He had so many good, helpful things to share. And my sponsor, who was present to support her friend, stood up to identify herself as a person who sponsors. It was perfect timing. The best way to describe it is that I got good vibes from her. She was lovely, slender, older than me (but not by much), and I just had a natural inclination to like her (and have since discovered that she is warm, loving, supportive, and funny as well - I hit sponsor gold). My gut instinct said "yes please." So I approached her at the break and she started to tell me a bit about her program, promising to go over it the next day with me on the phone.
When I heard just how strict my abstinence program would be, my first thought was complete and utter horror. I didn't want to hand over control! I wanted someone who I would be accountable to, not someone who wanted to run the show! I wasn't ready for this, and my husband wasn't ready for the craziness to start right before our vacation. So I put it off until we got back.
Knowing I'd be starting fresh at day 1 as a beginner, I went on that vacation and thought "what the hell, screw my abstinence. I don't get credit for it anyway!" (Because, of course, abstinence only counts if someone is watching. . .) And I went wild. It was the last hurrah of last hurrahs. I ate myself silly and managed to gain nearly ten pounds that week. By the time I got back, I was finally defeated. I'd been miserable letting my disease drive, and I didn't know how I could stop! I needed help and I was finally ready to surrender. The phrase "willing to go to any length" suddenly had real meaning for me: I would do anything to not live in the state of compulsive overeating torture one more day.
It turns out that my sponsor is exactly what I needed. I discovered that surrendering my food to her was the only way I would find sanity. My sponsor arrived in my life at the exact moment I needed her, in the exact manner I needed her to, and with the exact program I needed. It was thinking about her that I was able to make the connection to God. I'd always had a notion that a God was out there, but I'd never felt he took any particular interest in individuals. But realizing the serendipity of meeting my sponsor, I suddenly knew that God had put her there for me to find. He'd heard my prayer and he'd answered it just when I needed it most. He knew what and when and how - and He made it happen just right.
Well fast forward through seventeen blissful abstinent days living on the pink cloud and I am speaking to a beloved family friend. She is desperate to return to program, and she told me how she needs a sponsor. Well, she asked me about my program, so I told her what my days are like. Immediately she began to go through the same objections that rose to my mind: she didn't want to hand over the steering wheel. She wanted to be driving her own recovery. But that wasn't true - she wanted to have a reasonable abstinence, just a different one from my own.
So when I left her house I made a call to my sponsor and my three outreach people, leaving a message to ask them to keep an eye out for a sponsor with the characteristics my friend was looking for. Even if she never picks up the phone or doesn't pick up the phone to call the people I find for her any time in the next X number of months or years, I'll have done my best to help her find the help she wants. I also gave her the information on how to find online and phone meetings [since she is often too depressed to leave the house].
But the first thought that went through my head was that she was not willing to go to any lengths for her recovery. She wasn't willing to be willing. And this thought has been stewing with me ever since. Just like no two people are the same, no two recoveries are either. So who am I to doubt her. Maybe she is ready, she just needs something different than I do. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no one right answer. As yesterday's Voices of Recovery pointed out, the problem is within. No one has the answers, they don't even know the question.
I am far too ready to look into other people's lives and other people's recoveries and think about what it is they should be doing. But I am not in charge of their lives or their recoveries. That's God's job, not mine. There was a great quote from my Thursday night meeting: "The only thing I need to know about God is I'm not Him."
So while I'm thinking that she isn't willing to surrender, that her ego is going to get in the way unless she finds that willingness - I realized that I am showing that same ego I was internally accusing her of displaying. Here I stand with my whopping seventeen days of abstinence feeling so high and mighty and proud of myself. Like I have all the answers and have found the cure. In reality, I should be the one eating humble pie!
Listening to the readings in that meeting tonight, as well as the shares, helped me realize what was bothering me about the situation with my friend. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with her, it was that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was doing good by trying to be of service to her - helping her locate a potential sponsor and find meetings. Being supportive of her and explaining that there are many ways of finding abstinence, not just my own. But deep down I was being prideful. It was my pride that was making the gesture feel hollow, not the doubts about her ability or willingness to accept the help. My sponsor assigned supplemental readings to deal with my issues with my in-laws, but it applied to this problem as well.
What keeps striking me is the random luck of my meetings. It always seems like these meetings cover exactly the subjects I am needing that day. It just makes me realize that God is talking to me, I just need to stop talking and listen.
I realized that I'm willing to let God run the show in my own recovery, but I need to be willing to be willing to let God do the rest of his job. Because if I can't manage my own life, I have no business managing anyone elses life either!
To go back a step, I want to talk a bit about my abstinence. I love my sponsor, and I love my program. When I came into program this second time I wanted to be in the driver's seat. I saw the program as a tool that I could use in building my own recovery. But after 2 months of being abstinent with my own program and not seeing any improvement, I realized that I couldn't do this alone.
So I told myself I couldn't just wait for the right sponsor to drop into my lap. I would pick up the first sponsor I could and just run with it until I found my perfect sponsor. The very next meeting I attended, my sponsor's close friend was the speaker. I listened to his story and thought he was really wonderful. He had so many good, helpful things to share. And my sponsor, who was present to support her friend, stood up to identify herself as a person who sponsors. It was perfect timing. The best way to describe it is that I got good vibes from her. She was lovely, slender, older than me (but not by much), and I just had a natural inclination to like her (and have since discovered that she is warm, loving, supportive, and funny as well - I hit sponsor gold). My gut instinct said "yes please." So I approached her at the break and she started to tell me a bit about her program, promising to go over it the next day with me on the phone.
When I heard just how strict my abstinence program would be, my first thought was complete and utter horror. I didn't want to hand over control! I wanted someone who I would be accountable to, not someone who wanted to run the show! I wasn't ready for this, and my husband wasn't ready for the craziness to start right before our vacation. So I put it off until we got back.
Knowing I'd be starting fresh at day 1 as a beginner, I went on that vacation and thought "what the hell, screw my abstinence. I don't get credit for it anyway!" (Because, of course, abstinence only counts if someone is watching. . .) And I went wild. It was the last hurrah of last hurrahs. I ate myself silly and managed to gain nearly ten pounds that week. By the time I got back, I was finally defeated. I'd been miserable letting my disease drive, and I didn't know how I could stop! I needed help and I was finally ready to surrender. The phrase "willing to go to any length" suddenly had real meaning for me: I would do anything to not live in the state of compulsive overeating torture one more day.
It turns out that my sponsor is exactly what I needed. I discovered that surrendering my food to her was the only way I would find sanity. My sponsor arrived in my life at the exact moment I needed her, in the exact manner I needed her to, and with the exact program I needed. It was thinking about her that I was able to make the connection to God. I'd always had a notion that a God was out there, but I'd never felt he took any particular interest in individuals. But realizing the serendipity of meeting my sponsor, I suddenly knew that God had put her there for me to find. He'd heard my prayer and he'd answered it just when I needed it most. He knew what and when and how - and He made it happen just right.
Well fast forward through seventeen blissful abstinent days living on the pink cloud and I am speaking to a beloved family friend. She is desperate to return to program, and she told me how she needs a sponsor. Well, she asked me about my program, so I told her what my days are like. Immediately she began to go through the same objections that rose to my mind: she didn't want to hand over the steering wheel. She wanted to be driving her own recovery. But that wasn't true - she wanted to have a reasonable abstinence, just a different one from my own.
So when I left her house I made a call to my sponsor and my three outreach people, leaving a message to ask them to keep an eye out for a sponsor with the characteristics my friend was looking for. Even if she never picks up the phone or doesn't pick up the phone to call the people I find for her any time in the next X number of months or years, I'll have done my best to help her find the help she wants. I also gave her the information on how to find online and phone meetings [since she is often too depressed to leave the house].
But the first thought that went through my head was that she was not willing to go to any lengths for her recovery. She wasn't willing to be willing. And this thought has been stewing with me ever since. Just like no two people are the same, no two recoveries are either. So who am I to doubt her. Maybe she is ready, she just needs something different than I do. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no one right answer. As yesterday's Voices of Recovery pointed out, the problem is within. No one has the answers, they don't even know the question.
I am far too ready to look into other people's lives and other people's recoveries and think about what it is they should be doing. But I am not in charge of their lives or their recoveries. That's God's job, not mine. There was a great quote from my Thursday night meeting: "The only thing I need to know about God is I'm not Him."
So while I'm thinking that she isn't willing to surrender, that her ego is going to get in the way unless she finds that willingness - I realized that I am showing that same ego I was internally accusing her of displaying. Here I stand with my whopping seventeen days of abstinence feeling so high and mighty and proud of myself. Like I have all the answers and have found the cure. In reality, I should be the one eating humble pie!
Listening to the readings in that meeting tonight, as well as the shares, helped me realize what was bothering me about the situation with my friend. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with her, it was that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was doing good by trying to be of service to her - helping her locate a potential sponsor and find meetings. Being supportive of her and explaining that there are many ways of finding abstinence, not just my own. But deep down I was being prideful. It was my pride that was making the gesture feel hollow, not the doubts about her ability or willingness to accept the help. My sponsor assigned supplemental readings to deal with my issues with my in-laws, but it applied to this problem as well.
What keeps striking me is the random luck of my meetings. It always seems like these meetings cover exactly the subjects I am needing that day. It just makes me realize that God is talking to me, I just need to stop talking and listen.
I realized that I'm willing to let God run the show in my own recovery, but I need to be willing to be willing to let God do the rest of his job. Because if I can't manage my own life, I have no business managing anyone elses life either!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Preface xxix
The Doctor's Opinion
"After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." - xxix
I think every compulsive overeater [really, every addict] knows this story far to intimately for comfort. It is almost painful to read and remember the gut wrenching despair and shame after the binge. And the worst part is the knowledge, the certainty, that in spite of the most fervently meant resolutions lurks the knowledge that I can't win. I know one day, far sooner than I could ever anticipate, the process will start over again.
When I have candy in the house, or when there is food in front of me, I desperately begin the binge. It becomes a certainty that I will enter the spree, so I seek to eat all the food so I won't be tempted to eat the food. It is insanity, and it is backwards logic, but I can never seem to help myself. I struggle and struggle but once that food is in the house it torments me. All I can think about is the food, whatever it is. . . Halloween candy, cookies, bagels, muffins, chips, even rice cakes - I can't sleep because I am thinking about them. I worry about them all night because I'm afraid I'm going to binge on them. Hence - I eat them to relieve myself of the torment. It is torture, but I can't help myself. And I live with others, so I can't keep the foods out of my home. And I can't always resist the urge to purchase additional things at the store.
". . . once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for [food], the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." - xxix
This seems like a dream to me. It is such a foreign concept that I almost am too afraid to believe it is real because I am too afraid to get my hopes up. But I pray for this every single night, and at every single meeting.
"Although he gives all that is in him, it often is not enough. One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." - xxix
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I am a professional woman. I am a mother and a wife. I have a family I care for and a job and home I manage and care for. I have overcome adversity, and I am diligent and tenacious. No matter how many times life knocks me down or how many obstacles are thrown in my way, I keep getting up and marching on.
But in spite of every ounce of struggle and fight and determination I have in me, I can't beat this. I need something more. I can't say I am comfortable with a higher power yet. I have an often conflicted relationship with God. But right now I'm content for the OA group to be my higher power. They are the ones I am responsible to. And my sponsor is the one who I listen to for permission and instructions. I am giving her the power, because I clearly can't manage my life in this regard in spite of all my best efforts. I will need to develop a better relationship with my higher power over time, but for now, this will have to be enough.
"After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." - xxix
I think every compulsive overeater [really, every addict] knows this story far to intimately for comfort. It is almost painful to read and remember the gut wrenching despair and shame after the binge. And the worst part is the knowledge, the certainty, that in spite of the most fervently meant resolutions lurks the knowledge that I can't win. I know one day, far sooner than I could ever anticipate, the process will start over again.
When I have candy in the house, or when there is food in front of me, I desperately begin the binge. It becomes a certainty that I will enter the spree, so I seek to eat all the food so I won't be tempted to eat the food. It is insanity, and it is backwards logic, but I can never seem to help myself. I struggle and struggle but once that food is in the house it torments me. All I can think about is the food, whatever it is. . . Halloween candy, cookies, bagels, muffins, chips, even rice cakes - I can't sleep because I am thinking about them. I worry about them all night because I'm afraid I'm going to binge on them. Hence - I eat them to relieve myself of the torment. It is torture, but I can't help myself. And I live with others, so I can't keep the foods out of my home. And I can't always resist the urge to purchase additional things at the store.
". . . once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for [food], the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." - xxix
This seems like a dream to me. It is such a foreign concept that I almost am too afraid to believe it is real because I am too afraid to get my hopes up. But I pray for this every single night, and at every single meeting.
"Although he gives all that is in him, it often is not enough. One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." - xxix
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I am a professional woman. I am a mother and a wife. I have a family I care for and a job and home I manage and care for. I have overcome adversity, and I am diligent and tenacious. No matter how many times life knocks me down or how many obstacles are thrown in my way, I keep getting up and marching on.
But in spite of every ounce of struggle and fight and determination I have in me, I can't beat this. I need something more. I can't say I am comfortable with a higher power yet. I have an often conflicted relationship with God. But right now I'm content for the OA group to be my higher power. They are the ones I am responsible to. And my sponsor is the one who I listen to for permission and instructions. I am giving her the power, because I clearly can't manage my life in this regard in spite of all my best efforts. I will need to develop a better relationship with my higher power over time, but for now, this will have to be enough.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Preface - xvi to xxi
Foreword to Second Edition
This section discusses the beginnings of AA and the discoveries made b the physician and broker who started the group.
". . . the necessity of belief in and dependence upon God." - xvi
I was once told that your higher power can be anything or any one, so long as it is something you are willing to put your faith in and surrender the power to. I'm not an atheist or even an agnostic, but I have a hard time believing that God will be the one to take away this insanity. At this stage my higher power is my sponsor. I can't manage my own food and I can't manage my own recovery. I'm just not equipped with the necessary tools to do this.
The thing is, I have prayed to God for help. I have prayed for many things, but it just never seems like He answers. Or if He is answering, it isn't in any way that I'm going to be able to hear. So if He's going to be inclined to answer now, He's going to have to do it through the voice of my sponsor.
And it isn't that I don't think He listens to prayers. For instance, I really attribute it to His grace that I found OA in the first place. But I can't sit and wait for something to happen. There's a great joke about a man who goes to a statue of St. Peter and prays every day to win the lottery. One day his forlorn tear strikes the foot of the statue and St. Peter comes to life and says to the man "for the love of God, buy a lottery ticket!"
". . . the theory that only [a compulsive overeater] could help [a compulsive overeater], but he succeeded only in keeping [abstinent] himself." - xvi
I always could remember getting angry at skinny people or people who were in great shape when they would talk to me about their "weight struggles". My mother is a prime example. She goes on about how she battles with food, and how it is so difficult for her to give up breads and all the other things she'll do depending on which fad diet she is following at a given time. I get that she is tempted and she really wants to eat the bread or whatever it is she gave up.
And I understand the determination it takes for those people who are in great shape to keep getting out of bed in the morning to exercise. But most of those people never got out of bed carrying another person in weight and went for that run. They get the satisfaction of feeling good after exercising and looking in the mirror and feeling accomplishment. All I get is the feeling that I'm going to die and a view of the same old fat ass I always see.
It is like someone who once sprained an ankle trying to tell a paraplegic that they "totally understand." My need to diet isn't about those extra four pounds I gained on vacation. I need to lose, conservatively speaking, at least fifty pounds. I probably should lose more like eighty or ninety pounds.
But my mentor's mentor lost over three hundred pounds - if there's someone who understands what it is to face a mountain, he's it. The people at OA who are working the steps and fighting these demons - they understand. They have a frame of reference for what I'm talking about and what I'm going through. And they've managed to pull through to the other side. And once I get to the other side, it's my turn to pull others across, because that's the only way to stay where I need to be. To remember the struggle and the suffering. Because if I let myself forget, like I did when I had my baby, then I'm going to be right back in hell again.
". . . in order to save himself he must carry his message to another [compulsive overeater]." - xvi
See above.
". . . began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster." - xvi
It's amazing the power of hope. At the end of the day, I am the one who is picking up the food and putting it into my mouth. But if I leave control of the food choices to my sponsor, I can succeed where previously I failed. And that's a powerful motivator.
But I love the description of this as the pursuit of a spiritual remedy for the malady. It is such a beautiful way to describe this problem. Whenever my mom gets on me about my weight and asks how much I've lost, I always tell her: "I don't weigh in." She gets upset, but I shake my head and tell her, "the weight is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself." That is what I learned in my first go at OA. This disease is both spiritual and physical, and all the doctors in the world are going to be helpless to cure it without that spiritual remedy.
I am seeking a spiritual remedy for my malady.
"This seemed to prove that one [compulsive overeater] could affect another as no non[compulsive overeater] could." - xvi-xvii
See above.
"There were many failures, but there was an occasional heartening success." - xvii
The rest of this section goes on to talk about the spread of AA and the fact that people kept coming back. Those who really tried either succeed immediately, eventually succeeded, or just simply got better. And many who left at first eventually came back.
This just resonated with me because I see and hear so much how people keep coming back to OA after they leave. If people keep returning to this program for the answer, it obviously is waiting there. And there eventually will be that one meeting that clicks. So even if there are going to be failures on my road, I can still look forward to an occasional heartening success.
This section discusses the beginnings of AA and the discoveries made b the physician and broker who started the group.
". . . the necessity of belief in and dependence upon God." - xvi
I was once told that your higher power can be anything or any one, so long as it is something you are willing to put your faith in and surrender the power to. I'm not an atheist or even an agnostic, but I have a hard time believing that God will be the one to take away this insanity. At this stage my higher power is my sponsor. I can't manage my own food and I can't manage my own recovery. I'm just not equipped with the necessary tools to do this.
The thing is, I have prayed to God for help. I have prayed for many things, but it just never seems like He answers. Or if He is answering, it isn't in any way that I'm going to be able to hear. So if He's going to be inclined to answer now, He's going to have to do it through the voice of my sponsor.
And it isn't that I don't think He listens to prayers. For instance, I really attribute it to His grace that I found OA in the first place. But I can't sit and wait for something to happen. There's a great joke about a man who goes to a statue of St. Peter and prays every day to win the lottery. One day his forlorn tear strikes the foot of the statue and St. Peter comes to life and says to the man "for the love of God, buy a lottery ticket!"
". . . the theory that only [a compulsive overeater] could help [a compulsive overeater], but he succeeded only in keeping [abstinent] himself." - xvi
I always could remember getting angry at skinny people or people who were in great shape when they would talk to me about their "weight struggles". My mother is a prime example. She goes on about how she battles with food, and how it is so difficult for her to give up breads and all the other things she'll do depending on which fad diet she is following at a given time. I get that she is tempted and she really wants to eat the bread or whatever it is she gave up.
And I understand the determination it takes for those people who are in great shape to keep getting out of bed in the morning to exercise. But most of those people never got out of bed carrying another person in weight and went for that run. They get the satisfaction of feeling good after exercising and looking in the mirror and feeling accomplishment. All I get is the feeling that I'm going to die and a view of the same old fat ass I always see.
It is like someone who once sprained an ankle trying to tell a paraplegic that they "totally understand." My need to diet isn't about those extra four pounds I gained on vacation. I need to lose, conservatively speaking, at least fifty pounds. I probably should lose more like eighty or ninety pounds.
But my mentor's mentor lost over three hundred pounds - if there's someone who understands what it is to face a mountain, he's it. The people at OA who are working the steps and fighting these demons - they understand. They have a frame of reference for what I'm talking about and what I'm going through. And they've managed to pull through to the other side. And once I get to the other side, it's my turn to pull others across, because that's the only way to stay where I need to be. To remember the struggle and the suffering. Because if I let myself forget, like I did when I had my baby, then I'm going to be right back in hell again.
". . . in order to save himself he must carry his message to another [compulsive overeater]." - xvi
See above.
". . . began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster." - xvi
It's amazing the power of hope. At the end of the day, I am the one who is picking up the food and putting it into my mouth. But if I leave control of the food choices to my sponsor, I can succeed where previously I failed. And that's a powerful motivator.
But I love the description of this as the pursuit of a spiritual remedy for the malady. It is such a beautiful way to describe this problem. Whenever my mom gets on me about my weight and asks how much I've lost, I always tell her: "I don't weigh in." She gets upset, but I shake my head and tell her, "the weight is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself." That is what I learned in my first go at OA. This disease is both spiritual and physical, and all the doctors in the world are going to be helpless to cure it without that spiritual remedy.
I am seeking a spiritual remedy for my malady.
"This seemed to prove that one [compulsive overeater] could affect another as no non[compulsive overeater] could." - xvi-xvii
See above.
"There were many failures, but there was an occasional heartening success." - xvii
The rest of this section goes on to talk about the spread of AA and the fact that people kept coming back. Those who really tried either succeed immediately, eventually succeeded, or just simply got better. And many who left at first eventually came back.
This just resonated with me because I see and hear so much how people keep coming back to OA after they leave. If people keep returning to this program for the answer, it obviously is waiting there. And there eventually will be that one meeting that clicks. So even if there are going to be failures on my road, I can still look forward to an occasional heartening success.
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