The Doctor's Opinion
"After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." - xxix
I think every compulsive overeater [really, every addict] knows this story far to intimately for comfort. It is almost painful to read and remember the gut wrenching despair and shame after the binge. And the worst part is the knowledge, the certainty, that in spite of the most fervently meant resolutions lurks the knowledge that I can't win. I know one day, far sooner than I could ever anticipate, the process will start over again.
When I have candy in the house, or when there is food in front of me, I desperately begin the binge. It becomes a certainty that I will enter the spree, so I seek to eat all the food so I won't be tempted to eat the food. It is insanity, and it is backwards logic, but I can never seem to help myself. I struggle and struggle but once that food is in the house it torments me. All I can think about is the food, whatever it is. . . Halloween candy, cookies, bagels, muffins, chips, even rice cakes - I can't sleep because I am thinking about them. I worry about them all night because I'm afraid I'm going to binge on them. Hence - I eat them to relieve myself of the torment. It is torture, but I can't help myself. And I live with others, so I can't keep the foods out of my home. And I can't always resist the urge to purchase additional things at the store.
". . . once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for [food], the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." - xxix
This seems like a dream to me. It is such a foreign concept that I almost am too afraid to believe it is real because I am too afraid to get my hopes up. But I pray for this every single night, and at every single meeting.
"Although he gives all that is in him, it often is not enough. One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." - xxix
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I am a professional woman. I am a mother and a wife. I have a family I care for and a job and home I manage and care for. I have overcome adversity, and I am diligent and tenacious. No matter how many times life knocks me down or how many obstacles are thrown in my way, I keep getting up and marching on.
But in spite of every ounce of struggle and fight and determination I have in me, I can't beat this. I need something more. I can't say I am comfortable with a higher power yet. I have an often conflicted relationship with God. But right now I'm content for the OA group to be my higher power. They are the ones I am responsible to. And my sponsor is the one who I listen to for permission and instructions. I am giving her the power, because I clearly can't manage my life in this regard in spite of all my best efforts. I will need to develop a better relationship with my higher power over time, but for now, this will have to be enough.
