The Doctor's Opinion
"These men were not [eating] to escape; they were [eating] to overcome a craving beyond their mental control." - pg. xxx
A lot of people associate binge eating with emotional comforting. But I found, especially when the cravings were hitting me bad, that it didn't seem to be any particularly emotional or stressful time that was causing me to eat. This was not the "I just got dumped" ice cream binge. I tried to find justifications for the eating - I worked hard today so this is my reward, or I didn't get a lot of sleep so I'm eating to make up for being so tired, or I'm eating because I'm bored. But the reality often was that I was eating because I constantly was thinking about food. It had nothing to do with what was going on around me, but everything to do with the fact that I woke up thinking about food and spent the whole day fantasizing about what I was going to eat. Then when it came time to eat I couldn't pick what I was going to eat so I ate it all. Sometimes I ate to spite my parents, or to reward myself. Often I ate even when I didn't want to because I just couldn't seem to stop myself!
"There is the type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment." - pg. xxx
I think for a while this was me. I used to say I didn't have an eating problem - I just needed to try a different diet. Once I got on the right diet I would stick to it and I would lose the weight and there wouldn't be a problem because if I gained a few pounds I'd just hop right back on. But that's just not the case.
"There is the type who always believes that after being entirely free from [compulsive eating] for a period of time he can take a [bite] without danger." - pg. xxx
This was me after my first stint with OA. I remember that after having had my son, I thought I was fine. I was losing weight while nursing and instead of thinking about food all day I was thinking about my baby and about how badly I wanted to sleep. I thought I was cured! Whatever chemical defect caused the binging was clearly fixed now that my body had "reset itself" with the pregnancy and I could live the life of a normal person again. Yeah right.
"Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect [food] has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people." - pg. xxx
This is probably me now. I understand I have a problem. I understand that I need to stay away from compulsive eating behaviors - I just can't do it alone.
"This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence." - pg. xxx
This is the cruel joke of food addictions. You can live without alcohol. You can live without nicotine. You can live without heroine or cocaine or meth. But you can't live without food. I once thought I would be fine if they could just feed me through an IV. That would be perfect, or so I thought. I'd never have to worry about what I ate and I would always get the exact nutrition I needed. Except that isn't going to work. Abstinence in OA terms is such a varying concept from person to person. I heard a speaker say that their abstinence is reporting their food truthfully in an email to their sponsor. Another person has a list of items he cannot eat. My abstinence now involves eating a specific meal plan every single day. There is no one "entire abstinence" that we can sign on for and be fixed. All we can do is try our best to pick our sponsor and pick our abstinence and hope it makes a difference for us.
"He had lost everything worthwhile in life and was only living, one might say, to [eat]." - pg. xxxi
I found that when I was heaviest into the food I would isolate myself from the world. I wouldn't talk to people, I wouldn't accept invites to events. I would get food and sit in my room eating all day long. I'd play video games or read books and try to shut out the world. I wouldn't get dressed most days, and often would not even shower because then I'd have to see myself out of my baggy sleep shirt. If I didn't see myself getting fatter, then there wasn't a problem. I was an ostrich with my head in the sand, and my day involved eating and those things I had to do between meals.
"From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance and contentment." - pg. xxxi
This is the hope. I am still that trembling, despairing, nervous wreck. I am so anxious about my body and my weight and my food and my abstinence that I am a complete mess. I want to be that self-reliant and content person. I keep hoping and hoping that I will get there.
