I've had a bit of an emotional week. After much prayer and meditation, I realized that I needed to have a frank discussion with my boyfriend about what being with an addict entails. I talked to him about the possibility of relapse, and what that could look like.
Being a compulsive overeater, my relapse looks very different from that of the alcoholic or the drug addict. I am killing myself every bit as much as those addicts when I am in my disease. The difference is that I'm doing so in a quiet way that one simply doesn't talk about. Sure the concerned family member might note I had gained weight, or someone might ask if I was still going to meetings. But ultimately it isn't the kind of addiction that you can get court-ordered to do something about.
I asked my boyfriend if he was willing to stay knowing that relapse would always be a risk. He knows I work a strong program. He knows I am putting program first. He knows that I intend to do everything in my power to stay in the rooms, because that's where life is. But after having a slip, I knew that the only way I could continue with him was knowing that he wouldn't suddenly be blind-sided if I relapsed after we were married with children.
He took my question very seriously, and has been thinking about it all week. It isn't so much the prospect of me being obese that concerns him (while he wouldn't enjoy that aspect of relapse). What concerns him is that he will be watching me kill myself and be unable to do anything to stop it. In fact, if he tries to interfere, he may be hindering my recovery. That is the aspect that has him concerned. In his mind, that is a lot of responsibility and potential conflict. So he has not ended things, but he is taking time to truly think things over.
I appreciate that he is taking this seriously, because it is something that I take seriously. But being left in suspense is an uncomfortable and frightening place. I took the action that I felt was in the best interest of my program. Food had gotten loud and I realized it was my anxiety over how my relationship might interfere with my program. So I did what was necessary to resolve that anxiety. In the process I created a different anxiety.
Today I was feeling that perhaps it would be better to simply end the relationship. It would give me certainty and end that fear and that powerlessness that I'm so uncomfortable with. I would choose loneliness and isolation instead - those are feelings that I'm far more at home with.
Then I learned that my friend lost his battle with cancer, leaving his wife and their four children behind. Boy didn't that put my life into perspective. I'm in a huff because my boyfriend is taking time to consider whether he wants to take our relationship to a more serious level. Yet my friend's wife is mourning the loss of the love of her life. I will see my boyfriend on Friday. She will never see her husband again.
It was a very humbling and I felt ashamed to realize how ungrateful I was for the blessings in my life. I have a relationship that for today is very wonderful and beautiful, and I was willing to throw it away because of fear. I might lose him later so I'll throw him away today. . . when there are countless widows who would do anything to get just one more day with their loved ones. It is entirely possible that my boyfriend will tell me he wants to part ways when I see him this Friday. If that happens, I will wish him the best and thank my Higher Power for the time I had with him. But to throw away the possibility of a future with him simply because I was uncomfortable with the uncertainty is ridiculous.
So for a while I stopped thinking about my problems. I started thinking about those things I was grateful for. I spent time getting my emotions shrunk down to the right sizes for the situation.
Then I spent time mourning my friend, because he deserved to be mourned. I sat down alone on my sofa and I held a small conversation with him. I thanked him for the things he brought to my life, apologized for anything I could think of that might warrant an amends (and then a few things that probably didn't). I sat with a Kleenex box and said my good bye. Then I moved on to work on my program. I feel very keenly the void my friend will leave in my life, but I know that I must accept the things I cannot change. Sadly, death is one of those.
Showing posts with label Isolation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Isolation. Show all posts
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Step One, Question 1, Page 1
I think it's time I take the plunge and start writing on the first question in the workbook. It has been sitting on my desk, open to that page, for weeks. I will begin working the steps with my sponsor this week and I have some time before bed to do a bit of work, so here goes nothing (or perhaps, everything)!
1. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
A lot of my early compulsive eating is blurred by the haze of the sugar high. Or perhaps I should say "glaze". I remember not being allowed sweets because my mom was worried about my weight. It wasn't consistently enforced, though. It was like her own warring opinions on whether she could eat sweets spilled over into what she permitted me to eat. But here are a few compulsive overeating memories:
I would sneak into the pantry when people were busy/sleeping/away to steal food. My favorites were fruit snacks and granola bars. The best was the "Fruit O's" from Costco - fruit snacks in a huge container from Costco. I knew I could take one or two of those a day without being caught. Granola bars were another love, but I knew I had to take those slow. I would take one bar a day. There was a very strict order to how I ate my closet foods: 2 Fruit O's, 1 granola bar, 1 of this, 1 of that. It depended on what we had at the time. Gold fish had to be smuggled one handful at a time. If the container went missing I would get caught and I'd either get lectured or in actual trouble. The number of items became just as important as the theft of the food and it's consumption. No matter how much or how often I smuggled, I always wanted more. It called to me and I craved it, but I knew I had to wait until the next day or they'd notice the food was disappearing too fast. Thankfully my brother was assumed to be the one doing the eating. Eventually he hid the food in his room to keep me out, which upped the stakes. I only could sneak in maybe once a week to get the food then. Even now, when I go to fast food restaurants, I find that I get a list of foods I want: 1 of A, 1 of B, 1 of C, 1 of D - the ordering of the food is part of the ritual, even when I ordered far more than I could possibly consume.
I remember being excited about the food come the holidays. It was the one day I knew my mom wouldn't chase me about how much I ate - until the car ride home when both parents would scold me in front of my brother. I would make the obligatory round of hugs and then settle next to the appetizer table. I would eat non-stop until dinner. Then I'd eat a plate of two of food at dinner, maybe sneak back for more appetizers. Then I'd get one of everything offered for desert, after I snuck in plenty of cookies, fudge, and whatever else was sitting out for deserts. The sad truth is: I can't remember much about the holidays other than eating and hoping my parents weren't watching how much I was putting into my mouth and body.
In elementary school I used to offer to put anything people wanted to give me into my yogurt to eat it. I wanted the food, so even if they put tuna salad in my cherry yogurt, I'd take it. Mostly it was things like Oreo cookies [yum] or half eaten sandwiches. I ate anything people wanted to throw out. I never fished in the school trash cans [although I did in the kitchen trash can at home] but I was a mini garbage disposal for anything and everything no one wanted. My friends eventually started bringing extra food for me.
In college I remember thinking constantly about food. Classes were the things I did between meal times. I loved the cafeterias because I could get as many plates as I wanted, and if I went alone I didn't have to worry about anyone following me. Mostly I didn't think about people watching me eat then. I was out of the sight of my parents, which to me meant I was out of the sight of everyone. I frequented the vending machines in my building - I think I stopped on the way to and from every class for something, usually those little doughnuts. Once I had a car, my food adventures were usually in the form of 4 or 5 large meals a day at fast food as well as the dining halls. I went every Tuesday to a Thai food restaurant where I ate until the point of pain. I also always had snacks in my room to nibble on between meals. This part is a bit fuzzy, because I didn't pay a lot of attention to what I was eating when. I have always been a grazer so I had meals I paid attention to, and meals where I just grazed along without paying attention to what I was eating.
In grad school I think I lived on pizza, sub sandwiches and chips, and fast food (including an awesome fast food Italian restaurant that had cheese covered baked lasagna that I would eat with garlic bread sticks - carbheaven hell.) I ate huge quantities of food, including in the middle of the night while studying. I would go to IHOP, order 2 or 3 meals and eat it all before I left.
After grad school I got the gastric bypass stomach surgery, which severely limited my ability to binge. They literally sewed off part of my stomach and rerouted my intestines. So once I was recovered enough to eat normal foods, I would still go to the restaurants and order all my food. The ritual was still in place. I just ended up throwing out most of it. I would eat a bite or two of everything and make myself ill, but I would do my best. I often grazed on my meal all day long - one monstrous breakfast-lunch-dinner mishmash of a meal. Eventually I managed to eat back on most of my weight since there was nothing that caused the infamous "dumping syndrome" for me.
When I joined OA, I had gained back some - but not all - of my gastric bypass weight loss. I gave up certain "trigger foods" but binged freely on the others. It was retaliatory binging. I took away french fries? Then doughnuts it was! I took out doughnuts next, then I went to those little fruit-jelly filled pies and cookies. Eventually I gave up and went back to before. Then I came back and tried it again - with the same results as before. Before I started with my current sponsor I had a two week long binge that was pure hell [described here]. And I haven't compulsively overeaten since.
Now to move on to the memories involving restricting/anorexia/bulimia:
These three were always lumped together for me. I remember in second or third grade hearing my mom talk about how she dieted as a kid: hard boiled egg for breakfast, and she kept lunch and dinner each under 200 calories. So I did the same. It stunted my growth and I stopped growing at age 10.
In sixth grade I started the anorexia. I would skip every meal I could get away with. It was not that hard to get away with: I would tell friends that I was eating at home, and family that I ate with friends. No one paid attention to what I ate at school, so I didn't have to worry there. Sometimes I ate at school because I liked the food, but it depended on the day. I think it got bad when I was between sixth and seventh grade, actually. During the summer months. When I had to eat dinner with my family, I'd squirrel the food into my cheeks and spit it out into napkins [because I wasn't smart enough to think that people would notice]. I just pretended it was gristle. My mom wasn't inclined to feed me sweets, so that was never a problem. When I couldn't get away with the gristle ruse, I'd rush to the bathroom and spit out the food in my squirrel cheeks. My parents obviously knew what was going on but chose to do nothing about it. Eventually my friends at school held me down at lunch time and force fed me. Once I was eating it seemed that this phase of my life had ended.
Bulimia became something that popped up intermittently with my binges. I can't really remember much about the bulimia, except that it took me a while to figure out how to make me puke since my gag reflex isn't very sensitive. After my weight loss surgery I was lucky that as soon as I overate I would need to vomit. So the purge just took a few extra bites of food and out it would come. I often used that route to get more food, but sometimes it was a way to clear the binge.
Eventually I would alternate as an adult between binge, purge, and restricting days.
Compulsive exercising hit me around eighth grade. I wanted to be skinny so I signed up for every sport my school offered, including cross country. Later I ran for the love of running, but at first it was all about the burning of calories. In grad school I exercised five to seven days a week as a means of telling myself that I was working on my weight and clearly it wasn't my fault that I was fat.
I can honestly say I've tried just about every diet over the years: calorie counting, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Atkins, HMR, Liquid Only, Slim Fast, Lean Cuisine, not eating after 6/8/10pm, skipping breakfast, eating no breads, eating no dairy, eating no red meat, vegetarian, alcohol only, eating no pasta, eating no snacks, eating five small meals, etc.
1. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
A lot of my early compulsive eating is blurred by the haze of the sugar high. Or perhaps I should say "glaze". I remember not being allowed sweets because my mom was worried about my weight. It wasn't consistently enforced, though. It was like her own warring opinions on whether she could eat sweets spilled over into what she permitted me to eat. But here are a few compulsive overeating memories:
I would sneak into the pantry when people were busy/sleeping/away to steal food. My favorites were fruit snacks and granola bars. The best was the "Fruit O's" from Costco - fruit snacks in a huge container from Costco. I knew I could take one or two of those a day without being caught. Granola bars were another love, but I knew I had to take those slow. I would take one bar a day. There was a very strict order to how I ate my closet foods: 2 Fruit O's, 1 granola bar, 1 of this, 1 of that. It depended on what we had at the time. Gold fish had to be smuggled one handful at a time. If the container went missing I would get caught and I'd either get lectured or in actual trouble. The number of items became just as important as the theft of the food and it's consumption. No matter how much or how often I smuggled, I always wanted more. It called to me and I craved it, but I knew I had to wait until the next day or they'd notice the food was disappearing too fast. Thankfully my brother was assumed to be the one doing the eating. Eventually he hid the food in his room to keep me out, which upped the stakes. I only could sneak in maybe once a week to get the food then. Even now, when I go to fast food restaurants, I find that I get a list of foods I want: 1 of A, 1 of B, 1 of C, 1 of D - the ordering of the food is part of the ritual, even when I ordered far more than I could possibly consume.
I remember being excited about the food come the holidays. It was the one day I knew my mom wouldn't chase me about how much I ate - until the car ride home when both parents would scold me in front of my brother. I would make the obligatory round of hugs and then settle next to the appetizer table. I would eat non-stop until dinner. Then I'd eat a plate of two of food at dinner, maybe sneak back for more appetizers. Then I'd get one of everything offered for desert, after I snuck in plenty of cookies, fudge, and whatever else was sitting out for deserts. The sad truth is: I can't remember much about the holidays other than eating and hoping my parents weren't watching how much I was putting into my mouth and body.
In elementary school I used to offer to put anything people wanted to give me into my yogurt to eat it. I wanted the food, so even if they put tuna salad in my cherry yogurt, I'd take it. Mostly it was things like Oreo cookies [yum] or half eaten sandwiches. I ate anything people wanted to throw out. I never fished in the school trash cans [although I did in the kitchen trash can at home] but I was a mini garbage disposal for anything and everything no one wanted. My friends eventually started bringing extra food for me.
In college I remember thinking constantly about food. Classes were the things I did between meal times. I loved the cafeterias because I could get as many plates as I wanted, and if I went alone I didn't have to worry about anyone following me. Mostly I didn't think about people watching me eat then. I was out of the sight of my parents, which to me meant I was out of the sight of everyone. I frequented the vending machines in my building - I think I stopped on the way to and from every class for something, usually those little doughnuts. Once I had a car, my food adventures were usually in the form of 4 or 5 large meals a day at fast food as well as the dining halls. I went every Tuesday to a Thai food restaurant where I ate until the point of pain. I also always had snacks in my room to nibble on between meals. This part is a bit fuzzy, because I didn't pay a lot of attention to what I was eating when. I have always been a grazer so I had meals I paid attention to, and meals where I just grazed along without paying attention to what I was eating.
In grad school I think I lived on pizza, sub sandwiches and chips, and fast food (including an awesome fast food Italian restaurant that had cheese covered baked lasagna that I would eat with garlic bread sticks - carb
After grad school I got the gastric bypass stomach surgery, which severely limited my ability to binge. They literally sewed off part of my stomach and rerouted my intestines. So once I was recovered enough to eat normal foods, I would still go to the restaurants and order all my food. The ritual was still in place. I just ended up throwing out most of it. I would eat a bite or two of everything and make myself ill, but I would do my best. I often grazed on my meal all day long - one monstrous breakfast-lunch-dinner mishmash of a meal. Eventually I managed to eat back on most of my weight since there was nothing that caused the infamous "dumping syndrome" for me.
When I joined OA, I had gained back some - but not all - of my gastric bypass weight loss. I gave up certain "trigger foods" but binged freely on the others. It was retaliatory binging. I took away french fries? Then doughnuts it was! I took out doughnuts next, then I went to those little fruit-jelly filled pies and cookies. Eventually I gave up and went back to before. Then I came back and tried it again - with the same results as before. Before I started with my current sponsor I had a two week long binge that was pure hell [described here]. And I haven't compulsively overeaten since.
Now to move on to the memories involving restricting/anorexia/bulimia:
These three were always lumped together for me. I remember in second or third grade hearing my mom talk about how she dieted as a kid: hard boiled egg for breakfast, and she kept lunch and dinner each under 200 calories. So I did the same. It stunted my growth and I stopped growing at age 10.
In sixth grade I started the anorexia. I would skip every meal I could get away with. It was not that hard to get away with: I would tell friends that I was eating at home, and family that I ate with friends. No one paid attention to what I ate at school, so I didn't have to worry there. Sometimes I ate at school because I liked the food, but it depended on the day. I think it got bad when I was between sixth and seventh grade, actually. During the summer months. When I had to eat dinner with my family, I'd squirrel the food into my cheeks and spit it out into napkins [because I wasn't smart enough to think that people would notice]. I just pretended it was gristle. My mom wasn't inclined to feed me sweets, so that was never a problem. When I couldn't get away with the gristle ruse, I'd rush to the bathroom and spit out the food in my squirrel cheeks. My parents obviously knew what was going on but chose to do nothing about it. Eventually my friends at school held me down at lunch time and force fed me. Once I was eating it seemed that this phase of my life had ended.
Bulimia became something that popped up intermittently with my binges. I can't really remember much about the bulimia, except that it took me a while to figure out how to make me puke since my gag reflex isn't very sensitive. After my weight loss surgery I was lucky that as soon as I overate I would need to vomit. So the purge just took a few extra bites of food and out it would come. I often used that route to get more food, but sometimes it was a way to clear the binge.
Eventually I would alternate as an adult between binge, purge, and restricting days.
Compulsive exercising hit me around eighth grade. I wanted to be skinny so I signed up for every sport my school offered, including cross country. Later I ran for the love of running, but at first it was all about the burning of calories. In grad school I exercised five to seven days a week as a means of telling myself that I was working on my weight and clearly it wasn't my fault that I was fat.
I can honestly say I've tried just about every diet over the years: calorie counting, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Atkins, HMR, Liquid Only, Slim Fast, Lean Cuisine, not eating after 6/8/10pm, skipping breakfast, eating no breads, eating no dairy, eating no red meat, vegetarian, alcohol only, eating no pasta, eating no snacks, eating five small meals, etc.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
A Conversation With My Disease
Disease: Your addiction is much worse than that of the alcoholic! You can live without alcohol, but not without food!
Me: You can live without alcoholic foods like flour and sugar, too. You can live without flour and sugar, but not without fluids to drink!
Disease: But flour and sugar are so much more pervasive than alcohol!
Me: Are you sure about that? How many social events do you go to where there are no alcoholic beverages? That toast at midnight on New Years Eve. Wine or beer with Thanksgiving dinner. Eggnog or mulled wine for Christmas. Going out for drinks with coworkers. Going to the bar to celebrate a promotion. All of those things involve alcohol. You can't even go out to dinner without having the drink menu being offered to you.
Disease: Yeah, I guess that's true. But people really push when you don't want to eat sugar or flour foods! They don't understand that you can't have them.
Me: They push when you don't want to drink too.
Disease: So maybe I'm not so different from the alcoholic, but I certainly am different from the narcotic addict! Their fix isn't even legal!
Me: That is true, but what about prescription medicine?
Disease: What about it?
Me: Narcotic addicts are going to need aspirin, antibiotics, and cold medicine just like the rest of us. Some of these medicines they are going to need to live every much as we need food to live. They need to learn to take their medications at proper intervals just like we need to learn to take meals at proper intervals.
Disease: I don't think that's the same thing at all!
Me: Are you sure about that? Once we have taken out the alcoholic foods from our meal plans, we need to focus on taking our food at proper intervals. Like us, now that the narcotics addict has taken out the illegal narcotics from their lives, they need to focus on learning to take pharmaceuticals at proper intervals. It seems like a pretty clear connection to me!
Disease: Fine. You win for now. I'm going to sit in the corner petulantly until you aren't paying attention again. Then you better watch out, because I'm going to catch you when you least expect it!
Me: My Higher Power and I will see you then.
Me: You can live without alcoholic foods like flour and sugar, too. You can live without flour and sugar, but not without fluids to drink!
Disease: But flour and sugar are so much more pervasive than alcohol!
Me: Are you sure about that? How many social events do you go to where there are no alcoholic beverages? That toast at midnight on New Years Eve. Wine or beer with Thanksgiving dinner. Eggnog or mulled wine for Christmas. Going out for drinks with coworkers. Going to the bar to celebrate a promotion. All of those things involve alcohol. You can't even go out to dinner without having the drink menu being offered to you.
Disease: Yeah, I guess that's true. But people really push when you don't want to eat sugar or flour foods! They don't understand that you can't have them.
Me: They push when you don't want to drink too.
Disease: So maybe I'm not so different from the alcoholic, but I certainly am different from the narcotic addict! Their fix isn't even legal!
Me: That is true, but what about prescription medicine?
Disease: What about it?
Me: Narcotic addicts are going to need aspirin, antibiotics, and cold medicine just like the rest of us. Some of these medicines they are going to need to live every much as we need food to live. They need to learn to take their medications at proper intervals just like we need to learn to take meals at proper intervals.
Disease: I don't think that's the same thing at all!
Me: Are you sure about that? Once we have taken out the alcoholic foods from our meal plans, we need to focus on taking our food at proper intervals. Like us, now that the narcotics addict has taken out the illegal narcotics from their lives, they need to focus on learning to take pharmaceuticals at proper intervals. It seems like a pretty clear connection to me!
Disease: Fine. You win for now. I'm going to sit in the corner petulantly until you aren't paying attention again. Then you better watch out, because I'm going to catch you when you least expect it!
Me: My Higher Power and I will see you then.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Preface - xxx-xxxii
The Doctor's Opinion
"These men were not [eating] to escape; they were [eating] to overcome a craving beyond their mental control." - pg. xxx
A lot of people associate binge eating with emotional comforting. But I found, especially when the cravings were hitting me bad, that it didn't seem to be any particularly emotional or stressful time that was causing me to eat. This was not the "I just got dumped" ice cream binge. I tried to find justifications for the eating - I worked hard today so this is my reward, or I didn't get a lot of sleep so I'm eating to make up for being so tired, or I'm eating because I'm bored. But the reality often was that I was eating because I constantly was thinking about food. It had nothing to do with what was going on around me, but everything to do with the fact that I woke up thinking about food and spent the whole day fantasizing about what I was going to eat. Then when it came time to eat I couldn't pick what I was going to eat so I ate it all. Sometimes I ate to spite my parents, or to reward myself. Often I ate even when I didn't want to because I just couldn't seem to stop myself!
"There is the type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment." - pg. xxx
I think for a while this was me. I used to say I didn't have an eating problem - I just needed to try a different diet. Once I got on the right diet I would stick to it and I would lose the weight and there wouldn't be a problem because if I gained a few pounds I'd just hop right back on. But that's just not the case.
"There is the type who always believes that after being entirely free from [compulsive eating] for a period of time he can take a [bite] without danger." - pg. xxx
This was me after my first stint with OA. I remember that after having had my son, I thought I was fine. I was losing weight while nursing and instead of thinking about food all day I was thinking about my baby and about how badly I wanted to sleep. I thought I was cured! Whatever chemical defect caused the binging was clearly fixed now that my body had "reset itself" with the pregnancy and I could live the life of a normal person again. Yeah right.
"Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect [food] has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people." - pg. xxx
This is probably me now. I understand I have a problem. I understand that I need to stay away from compulsive eating behaviors - I just can't do it alone.
"This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence." - pg. xxx
This is the cruel joke of food addictions. You can live without alcohol. You can live without nicotine. You can live without heroine or cocaine or meth. But you can't live without food. I once thought I would be fine if they could just feed me through an IV. That would be perfect, or so I thought. I'd never have to worry about what I ate and I would always get the exact nutrition I needed. Except that isn't going to work. Abstinence in OA terms is such a varying concept from person to person. I heard a speaker say that their abstinence is reporting their food truthfully in an email to their sponsor. Another person has a list of items he cannot eat. My abstinence now involves eating a specific meal plan every single day. There is no one "entire abstinence" that we can sign on for and be fixed. All we can do is try our best to pick our sponsor and pick our abstinence and hope it makes a difference for us.
"He had lost everything worthwhile in life and was only living, one might say, to [eat]." - pg. xxxi
I found that when I was heaviest into the food I would isolate myself from the world. I wouldn't talk to people, I wouldn't accept invites to events. I would get food and sit in my room eating all day long. I'd play video games or read books and try to shut out the world. I wouldn't get dressed most days, and often would not even shower because then I'd have to see myself out of my baggy sleep shirt. If I didn't see myself getting fatter, then there wasn't a problem. I was an ostrich with my head in the sand, and my day involved eating and those things I had to do between meals.
"From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance and contentment." - pg. xxxi
This is the hope. I am still that trembling, despairing, nervous wreck. I am so anxious about my body and my weight and my food and my abstinence that I am a complete mess. I want to be that self-reliant and content person. I keep hoping and hoping that I will get there.
"These men were not [eating] to escape; they were [eating] to overcome a craving beyond their mental control." - pg. xxx
A lot of people associate binge eating with emotional comforting. But I found, especially when the cravings were hitting me bad, that it didn't seem to be any particularly emotional or stressful time that was causing me to eat. This was not the "I just got dumped" ice cream binge. I tried to find justifications for the eating - I worked hard today so this is my reward, or I didn't get a lot of sleep so I'm eating to make up for being so tired, or I'm eating because I'm bored. But the reality often was that I was eating because I constantly was thinking about food. It had nothing to do with what was going on around me, but everything to do with the fact that I woke up thinking about food and spent the whole day fantasizing about what I was going to eat. Then when it came time to eat I couldn't pick what I was going to eat so I ate it all. Sometimes I ate to spite my parents, or to reward myself. Often I ate even when I didn't want to because I just couldn't seem to stop myself!
"There is the type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment." - pg. xxx
I think for a while this was me. I used to say I didn't have an eating problem - I just needed to try a different diet. Once I got on the right diet I would stick to it and I would lose the weight and there wouldn't be a problem because if I gained a few pounds I'd just hop right back on. But that's just not the case.
"There is the type who always believes that after being entirely free from [compulsive eating] for a period of time he can take a [bite] without danger." - pg. xxx
This was me after my first stint with OA. I remember that after having had my son, I thought I was fine. I was losing weight while nursing and instead of thinking about food all day I was thinking about my baby and about how badly I wanted to sleep. I thought I was cured! Whatever chemical defect caused the binging was clearly fixed now that my body had "reset itself" with the pregnancy and I could live the life of a normal person again. Yeah right.
"Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect [food] has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people." - pg. xxx
This is probably me now. I understand I have a problem. I understand that I need to stay away from compulsive eating behaviors - I just can't do it alone.
"This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence." - pg. xxx
This is the cruel joke of food addictions. You can live without alcohol. You can live without nicotine. You can live without heroine or cocaine or meth. But you can't live without food. I once thought I would be fine if they could just feed me through an IV. That would be perfect, or so I thought. I'd never have to worry about what I ate and I would always get the exact nutrition I needed. Except that isn't going to work. Abstinence in OA terms is such a varying concept from person to person. I heard a speaker say that their abstinence is reporting their food truthfully in an email to their sponsor. Another person has a list of items he cannot eat. My abstinence now involves eating a specific meal plan every single day. There is no one "entire abstinence" that we can sign on for and be fixed. All we can do is try our best to pick our sponsor and pick our abstinence and hope it makes a difference for us.
"He had lost everything worthwhile in life and was only living, one might say, to [eat]." - pg. xxxi
I found that when I was heaviest into the food I would isolate myself from the world. I wouldn't talk to people, I wouldn't accept invites to events. I would get food and sit in my room eating all day long. I'd play video games or read books and try to shut out the world. I wouldn't get dressed most days, and often would not even shower because then I'd have to see myself out of my baggy sleep shirt. If I didn't see myself getting fatter, then there wasn't a problem. I was an ostrich with my head in the sand, and my day involved eating and those things I had to do between meals.
"From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance and contentment." - pg. xxxi
This is the hope. I am still that trembling, despairing, nervous wreck. I am so anxious about my body and my weight and my food and my abstinence that I am a complete mess. I want to be that self-reliant and content person. I keep hoping and hoping that I will get there.
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