Newcomers. . .

The May 4th Voices of Recovery quotes The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous:  "All who have experienced the pain of compulsive eating and want to stop are equally welcome here."  It goes on to tell the story of a woman who came to the meetings fighting the program.  "I had no desire to refrain from compulsively eating.  Instead, I wanted to diet.  I did not take the suggestions seriously.  Tradition Three illustrates the reason for my inability to grasp this program.  I wanted the weight loss and even the pleasure of it without having to earn it first.  Today when I watch newcomers struggle with the program as I did, I try to show the same compassion and acceptance as those before me."

I remember my first day in Overeaters Anonymous.  I came into the rooms believing that I didn't need the program - I was fine.  When the woman who shared told my own story, I was shocked.  But I decided to sign up.  She'd lost all her weight so clearly whatever these people were selling worked.  I asked her to sponsor me at break and felt I had put a check in the box to have them wave the magic wand that would fix me.

She told me to read from the Big Book, and I read Bill's Story and put the book down again.  Not only did I not relate to the story, but I figured that all the Big Book contained was a collection of people's stories.  Why would I bother reading about a bunch of alcoholics when I could sit in a meeting and hear people tell me about their own stories of recovery - and on topic, too!.  I was already sold on the program, just get to the good stuff!

That sponsor told me to write down three things I loved about myself every day. I thought it was the dumbest assignment in the world.  And yet when I sat down that night I couldn't think of a single thing.  Everything I loved had a "yeah, but. . ." attached to it that was a disqualifying factor.  I eventually found myself on the phone with another woman I'd met in meeting, sobbing because I couldn't find anything to love about myself.

Eventually I was able to identify a few items - I have a set of freckles on my leg that looks like a happy face; I always have a flower painted on my big-toenails; and I have three freckles on my foot that make a straight line.  Each night I came up with three new things - sometimes it was that I loved a dish I cooked, other times it was that I loved knowing how to knit.  But each time I failed to understand what the point of this exercise was.

Every time I asked that sponsor why we were bothering with this (get on with the wand waving, already!) she told me we were working on my first step.  She asked me to identify trigger foods, so I started cutting out things like soda and coffee.  Eventually my "abstinence" was to not eat French fries, doughnuts, or drink coffee and soda.  Yet I still binged on sweets and snack foods to my heart's content.  So after three months I decided I was wasting my time and left program.

When I came back I decided I could do it on my own.  For the first two months back in the rooms I was back to my original "abstinence" - still binging away - and I decided that I could identify my own trigger foods.  Since my first sponsor didn't "do anything" for me, I'd sponsor myself!

But through this all, I was just as clueless as that woman was.  I wanted the results without the work.  I didn't want to surrender to another person.  I didn't want to work the steps.  I didn't want to change my life.  I just wanted the magical fix.

But there is no magical fix.  There is a miraculous one - but that requires work to attain. 

It wasn't until after I'd gotten another sponsor, surrendered, and gone through my first step that I learned what my first sponsor was doing:  she was trying to show me that my life was unmanageable.  She was waiting for me to notice just how hard it was for me to find things I loved about myself, and she was waiting for the light bulb to click that maybe, just maybe, whatever it was I was doing to run my life wasn't working.  But because I never left the disease, I never was able to see what she was trying to show me.

Today's reading was a good reminder of just how much I struggled as a newcomer, and just how much I need to show compassion to those still suffering from compulsive overeating.

One Thread At A Time

"Weaving the Fabric of Our Lives" - Beyond Our Wildest Dreams, p. 175

"The image of my Higher power lovingly guiding the weaving of my recovery tapestry - spiritual, emotional, and physical - adds to my peace and serenity.  As long as I use the tools . . . my recovery tapestry will not unravel, and I will continue to move forward in my recovery." - Voices of Recovery, p. 8

I remember one of my first outreach calls I made on my current sponsor's instructions.  I kept asking N. about whether I would ever eat bread again, among other things.  She said "I don't know, but not today."  Any time I asked a panicked question about the future, that was her response.  Eventually I took up the same philosophy.  It tracks well with what you hear in meetings and from the readings - recovery happens one day at a time.  All it takes is one day of compulsive overeating and the person who had twenty years of abstinence now has zero days.  It is so easy to slip.

But I love the image of the tapestry.  I read this passage and had the mental image that every day I am abstinent I am adding one more thread to my tapestry.  So I will build my life, my recovery one day and one thread at a time.

A life of Sane and Happy Usefulness

"'A life of sane and happy usefulness' is what we are promised as the result of working the Twelve Steps." - The Tools of Recovery, p. 6

"'Who would want that?' That was my reaction to reading this line for the first time. . . . I want a slim body and plenty of money, not service to others." - Voices of Recovery, p. 366

As Voices of Recovery says in today's post, we don't usually start off thinking about a spiritual solution to our problem.  We think of compulsive overeating as a physical problem, and we want a relief for the physical symptom.  But I know that having gained and lost the same 40-90 pounds over and over again over the last ten years that it isn't just physical.  Because while I'm happy to be skinnier, the same problems that drive me to binge eat are still there.  The fear and the insecurity don't melt away with the pounds, and that's what really is important.  The weight is a symptom, not a disease.

This time stepping into the doors of OA I think I want the sanity and happy usefulness as much, if not more, than I want the slender body.  I want to feel up to doing the things for my family that my mother did for hers.  I want to be that woman, not the one who is too selfish or too lazy to do anything and everything her children need.  So with gratitude I say: "yes please."

The Serentiy Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

This excerpt talks about applying the serenity prayer to every day problems.  In doing so, the exercise "brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God's presence." - Voices of Recovery, page 365.

I started doing this last week.  I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was dog-sitting for a friend.  As I was getting ready to go to sleep, I kept hearing the dogs licking their paws.  The sound was driving me crazy.  I tried yelling at the dogs, I tried distracting them.  I was about ready to put socks on the dogs to keep them from their paws.  But as I sat there, I remembered the serenity prayer.  So I repeated it to myself over and over again until I no longer felt like kicking the dogs outside [they are indoor dogs and it was cold].  I suddenly found I could ignore the licking and go to sleep.  What a relief.

Today when I was reading about the fourth step, I felt complete and utter panic.  The concept of sharing everything about myself with my sponsor was just horrifying.  But reading the serenity prayer I started to feel calmer.  I need to work the fourth step.  I can't change that, and I can't change the things I've done in the past.  I theoretically could run away and leave program, but I'm not willing to do that.  I am going to do whatever it takes to find recovery.  So here I am.  Worrying about the upcoming fourth step isn't going to do anything to help me today.  So I am letting it go.  I'm going to hand the fear and the worry over to my Higher Power, and I'm going to go to sleep. 

God's Messengers

"Sponsors, OA friends, meetings, and literature are wonerful sources of help for us.  We wouldn't want to be without any of these resources because we often find God speaks to us through them." - The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 98

"God speaks to me through other people, especially my sponsor, when I listen." - Voices of Recovery, p. 362

I laughed a bit when I read today's Voices of Recovery. This is my last step of program work before I go to bed.  I've done any journaling I am going to do.  Attended all meetings I'm going to attend.  Made all my calls.  Done all my readings.  And now, I read my Voices of Recovery, write a quick little response about it, and snuggle up for a night of peaceful rest [baby permitting].  Today, my journaling was on the way that the meeting and the readings today spoke to me about the very things which had been weighing on my mind the past day. 

The past weeks the Big Book study group I attend on Thursday nights has been talking about how to approach and speak to a person who is interested in the program.  At the time I remember thinking that I wouldn't need to read this chapter for a long time, thinking that I wished we were talking about something that actually applied to me and applied to me now.  But as usual, God knew best.  Yesterday I was in a position where I would need the exact passages that we read in the study meeting I attended.

All my life I kept asking and asking for God to give me faith.  For God to let me know the answer to this question or that.  I wonder how many times he was trying to answer, but I just wasn't listening.

The Question

". . . I would if I could, my friend, but - as it is for me - the problem is within. . ." - For Today, p. 277

"It seems that for most of my life I have been searching for the answer book.  In school, there was always one definitive answer, and the teacher had all the answers.  Unfortunately, in life there is no one right or wrong way to do something.  There are no answer books. . . No one has my answers; they don't even know what the question is.  I believe that all my answers are within me. . . . What I have been looking for is not the answer, but the question." - Voices of Recovery, p. 363

There are so many people who keep looking for a magic bullet - some diet or pill or program that's going to make them thin and keep them thin.  But as I've heard in program, the weight is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself.  Yet my mom - among others - looks at my weight as being an indicator of whether I'm getting healthier.  Physically that may be the case, but mentally I am afraid that is not the truth.  I've lost and regained the same 40-90 pounds at least 5 times in the last 9 years.  That's a problem.  So I can lose all the weight I want these next months, but I'm not going to keep it off unless I find the answer to the question.  And to find the answer, I need a question first. 

That isn't to say I don't have plenty of questions.  What makes me want to compulsively eat?  Why do I compulsively eat?  What triggers my eating?  What is the best means of alleviating my compulsion to eat?  But what is the question that is going to help me progress? Which question is the one that I need answered before the craziness can abate?

I think I look to the Big Book to give me the magic answer.  The blueprint of how to fix whatever is wrong with me.  But reading that book isn't going to give me my answers.  The more I read, the more I hear about working the steps.  I go to meetings and hear "faith without works is dead" - and I nod.  But reading this passage, I realized I still am looking for my magic fix.  I still want this program to give me the answers.  Tell me how to get better. 

I purchased a Overeater Anonymous Workbook this week, and I looked at a few of the lists and promptly shut the book.  I told myself - I'll work on that when my sponsor tells me to.  But I want to get better.  I want to work toward a better life.  For now I'm going to listen to instructions and follow them - but I know the day is coming when I'm going to need help. . . "The difficulty lies in looking within, something I'm incapable of doing alone.  I need the love, help, and support from others." - Voices of Recovery, p. 363.

Anonymity

"It is essential that all of us understand and respect anonymity if OA is to survive and we are to find recovery here." - The Twelve steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 199

Among the "rules" of OA is that we maintain anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and television.  It also means that "I don't place myself above or below anyone else.  It reminds me that we are all equal.  It tells me that my job is of no importance.  What counts is that we are both compulsive overeaters trying to recover through the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous." - Voices of Recovery, p. 362

When I first came into OA, I just nodded and passed on the issue of anonymity.  I figured, "well, it may be embarrasing for people to be in these meetings, so promising anonymity is a good way of letting people join in."  But the concept of maintaining anonymity in the media boggled my mind.  I understood that we could not promote OA, or be spokespeople for OA because this is a fellowship that has no leaders, only people who are serving. 

Recently I had been thinking about my grandsponsor.  He lost over 350 pounds, and has kept that weight off for at least 3 years I know of, by eating what amounts to El Pollo Loco twice a day every single day.  He is a handsome man, tall and slender.  It occurred to me that if he went to El Pollo Loco, he could very easily become their Jared the Subway Guy.  The press would eat it up!  He could make huge amounts of money as a spokesperson for the restaurant!  Why doesn't he?

And then I thought about it further.  Say he does go through with it.  Say he becomes the spokesperson for El Pollo Loco.  When the details of his recovery come out under the media attention, it will become apparent that he is a member of OA.  This will drag OA into the media.  While this will help other sufferers discover the fellowship, it also will bring in a lot of people looking for a quick fix.  Meetings would be flooded, including by people from the media.  It could disrupt other people's recovery.  But much worse on a personal level - my grandsponsor would become a poster boy for OA.  This would place him above other compulsive overeaters in the program.

My grandsponsor has his own sponsor.  He is working this program one day at a time just like everyone else.  Were he to go on and "out himself" to the media, he suddenly would be placing himself above the other OA people. This would make it difficult if not impossible for him to continue working his program.  The need for anonymity isn't just to protect the program, and those who feel uncomfortable with others knowing of their participation.  It also protects the person who is seeking the spotlight.