So I love my oatmeal. I save it as my last meal of the day because it sits so nicely in my stomach as I go to bed and soothes me right to sleep.
Tonight as I was eating oatmeal, a bit fell onto the ground. So I picked it up and was going to eat it - just had to pick that one stray dog hair off of it. And then I stopped and said "eew - what the hell are you doing?"
One month ago I totally would have eaten that piece of oatmeal [after picking out the hair]. I never would have even stopped to think about how gross that is. I decided tonight that I didn't have to. I'm not sure if it's progress, but it sure is a tiny bit less gross.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
We Have Recovered
Working with my sponsor, I have made the first run through Section I of the Big Book and I'm now making my second round. At first I believed it would be a futile exercise - I read it carefully the first time through. . . what did she think I was missing?!? But I didn't argue - mine is not to wonder why, mine is but to do or die. [Literally.]
I went through the preface, nodding with my great wisdom born of a whopping 38 days of abstinence! Then I got to the first sentence of the Foreword to the First Edition and it stopped me cold.
"We of [Overeater's] Anonymous . . . have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." I am not recovered yet. I am far from recovered. But when I first read that sentence I glossed over it. It meant nothing to me - I wanted to get to the meat. I wanted the answers. But I missed the first and most important answer of all: this malady is only seemingly hopeless.
I had envisioned a pitched battle with this disease that would go on the rest of my life, with abstinence held together only by duct tape and a bent paper clip MacGyver style. I never imagined that in less than a month the miracle would happen. I honestly didn't understand what "the miracle" meant. In my mind I thought it was just the weight loss. It never occurred to me that something actually miraculous would occur!
The miracle is clarity of mind. The insanity that rages constantly in my mind tuned down the volume from a 10 to a 1. It is still there, and Marion - my disease - is constantly lurking and waiting for the opportunity to jump back into dominance. But for now, she is silent.
I was right in a sense - there is a pitched battle going on for my life, and Marion wants to kill me. But this is only a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. If I follow directions, work the steps, and keep coming back she is going to be held at bay. And there is absolutely a pitched battle going on, but it isn't being held together by duct tape and a bent paper clip. It is being silently waged in the background, and as long as I make sure my Higher Power's voice and my sponsor's voice are coming through loud and clear it's going to stay that way.
That is the miracle. Thank God.
I went through the preface, nodding with my great wisdom born of a whopping 38 days of abstinence! Then I got to the first sentence of the Foreword to the First Edition and it stopped me cold.
"We of [Overeater's] Anonymous . . . have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." I am not recovered yet. I am far from recovered. But when I first read that sentence I glossed over it. It meant nothing to me - I wanted to get to the meat. I wanted the answers. But I missed the first and most important answer of all: this malady is only seemingly hopeless.
I had envisioned a pitched battle with this disease that would go on the rest of my life, with abstinence held together only by duct tape and a bent paper clip MacGyver style. I never imagined that in less than a month the miracle would happen. I honestly didn't understand what "the miracle" meant. In my mind I thought it was just the weight loss. It never occurred to me that something actually miraculous would occur!
The miracle is clarity of mind. The insanity that rages constantly in my mind tuned down the volume from a 10 to a 1. It is still there, and Marion - my disease - is constantly lurking and waiting for the opportunity to jump back into dominance. But for now, she is silent.
I was right in a sense - there is a pitched battle going on for my life, and Marion wants to kill me. But this is only a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. If I follow directions, work the steps, and keep coming back she is going to be held at bay. And there is absolutely a pitched battle going on, but it isn't being held together by duct tape and a bent paper clip. It is being silently waged in the background, and as long as I make sure my Higher Power's voice and my sponsor's voice are coming through loud and clear it's going to stay that way.
That is the miracle. Thank God.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Oatmeal Wars
When I did my thirty day weigh in, I discovered I'd lost 16.6 pounds. My husband, seeing the results, announced that he would follow my diet as well to lose some of the weight he has gained. I am obviously supportive. In the past two years he has gained thirty pounds, and he was already about thirty pounds overweight then. He went from a size L to a size 2X.
The problem is, his interpretation of "follow my diet" is have me prepare his meals for him. There are some aspects I don't mind. For instance, I was already packaging up the chicken and rice into correct sized servings. It was not difficult to place them together in a tupperware container for his lunch. (Although the principle that he is unwilling to measure his own meat and rice does bother me.)
But he won't make oatmeal in the morning. The process of oatmeal is as follows: add 2 cups water to 1 cup oatmeal in a bowl. Microwave 2 minutes. Stir. Microwave 1 minute. Stir. Let it cool. Add banana. Eat. That is too much for him to manage in the morning. Instead, he wants to drive to McDonald's and get an Egg McMuffin. I will agree - an Egg McMuffin is far tastier than unseasoned oatmeal sans milk. But he acts as though he is saving huge quantities of time by waiting in line for the drive-thru. It takes about ten minutes to get the food and get to work. He is not saving any time by avoiding the oatmeal, and he is spending more money than he needs to (and we are most certainly on a tight budget).
The part that upsets me about this is how much pressure he has placed on my shoulders to make sure he has his food. If I don't have his lunch packed for him and I don't have his oatmeal made for him, then he's going to not be able to follow the diet (heaven forbid he should drive four blocks to El Pollo Loco at lunch to get his own chicken) and will continue to gain weight and move closer and closer to the diabetes that runs in his family.
So I will be praying to my higher power tonight to help with this resentment. I am going to see this as my service to him, and part of making amends for all the times I am snippy with him. Hopefully that helps.
The problem is, his interpretation of "follow my diet" is have me prepare his meals for him. There are some aspects I don't mind. For instance, I was already packaging up the chicken and rice into correct sized servings. It was not difficult to place them together in a tupperware container for his lunch. (Although the principle that he is unwilling to measure his own meat and rice does bother me.)
But he won't make oatmeal in the morning. The process of oatmeal is as follows: add 2 cups water to 1 cup oatmeal in a bowl. Microwave 2 minutes. Stir. Microwave 1 minute. Stir. Let it cool. Add banana. Eat. That is too much for him to manage in the morning. Instead, he wants to drive to McDonald's and get an Egg McMuffin. I will agree - an Egg McMuffin is far tastier than unseasoned oatmeal sans milk. But he acts as though he is saving huge quantities of time by waiting in line for the drive-thru. It takes about ten minutes to get the food and get to work. He is not saving any time by avoiding the oatmeal, and he is spending more money than he needs to (and we are most certainly on a tight budget).
The part that upsets me about this is how much pressure he has placed on my shoulders to make sure he has his food. If I don't have his lunch packed for him and I don't have his oatmeal made for him, then he's going to not be able to follow the diet (heaven forbid he should drive four blocks to El Pollo Loco at lunch to get his own chicken) and will continue to gain weight and move closer and closer to the diabetes that runs in his family.
So I will be praying to my higher power tonight to help with this resentment. I am going to see this as my service to him, and part of making amends for all the times I am snippy with him. Hopefully that helps.
Monday, January 14, 2013
At Home Chicken And Rice Is Nice!
For those who are interested, here is the recipe:
Chicken
Chef Merito chicken seasoning: This seasoning can be purchased in the Mexican
Food section of almost any grocery store. I purchased mine at Food 4 Less.
3 TBS Chef Merito Chicken Seasoning
2 C. Orange Juice
1 C. Lemon Juice
2 C. Canola Oil
Place ingredients in blender on low speed.
Marinade for 4 hours or overnight if using chicken with skin.
If you are using boneless skinless chicken breasts, this marinade will cover 2 packs of chicken from the store. Lay the chicken out in 2 pyrex baking dishes and pour the marinade over the chicken.
Then preheat the oven to 375 - the amount of time this takes is just about the right amount of marinade time.
Bake the chicken for 50 minutes.
Remove from oven and place in large frying pan [I used the rice pan] - add in marinade and cook an additional 5 minutes or so until cooked to your liking. You may also barbeque the chicken or cook in broil setting for the last few minutes instead.
Rice Preparation:
Prepare the following ingredients and set aside:
1. 3 Cups of water
2. 2.5 Cups of Long Grain Rice
3. 2 TBSP of Knorr Chicken Flavor Bouillon
4. 1 TBSP Garlic Powder
5. 1 TBSP Pepper
6. 2 8oz. cans of Tomato Sauce
7. If desired, add diced tomatoes and onion.
8. 1 TBSP Chili Powder
9. ½ TBSP Cumin
10. 1 TBSP Onion Powder
In a Teflon pot or big Teflon frying pan with a cover add a little canola oil with
the rice. Don’t add too much oil, you’re just trying to saturate the rice not
deep fry it.
Set your flame on high and continually move the rice around until
it browns. Remember, just brown it; it shouldn’t be get dark brown. It seems to be about right when you get a popcorn-like smell from the pan.
Add your water completely, then add tomato sauce.
Finally, add the remaining ingredients.
Continue to stir on high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat cover and simmer for
35 minutes. Fluff with a fork and serve.
To save on dishes, I let the chicken hang out in the marinade while the rice cooled a bit. I then measured the rice into 3/4 cup servings and placed in ziplock baggies for storage until the pot was empty. Then I finished cooking the chicken as well. The serving size for chicken is 6 ounces.
Chicken
Chef Merito chicken seasoning: This seasoning can be purchased in the Mexican
Food section of almost any grocery store. I purchased mine at Food 4 Less.
3 TBS Chef Merito Chicken Seasoning
2 C. Orange Juice
1 C. Lemon Juice
2 C. Canola Oil
Place ingredients in blender on low speed.
Marinade for 4 hours or overnight if using chicken with skin.
If you are using boneless skinless chicken breasts, this marinade will cover 2 packs of chicken from the store. Lay the chicken out in 2 pyrex baking dishes and pour the marinade over the chicken.
Then preheat the oven to 375 - the amount of time this takes is just about the right amount of marinade time.
Bake the chicken for 50 minutes.
Remove from oven and place in large frying pan [I used the rice pan] - add in marinade and cook an additional 5 minutes or so until cooked to your liking. You may also barbeque the chicken or cook in broil setting for the last few minutes instead.
Rice Preparation:
Prepare the following ingredients and set aside:
1. 3 Cups of water
2. 2.5 Cups of Long Grain Rice
3. 2 TBSP of Knorr Chicken Flavor Bouillon
4. 1 TBSP Garlic Powder
5. 1 TBSP Pepper
6. 2 8oz. cans of Tomato Sauce
7. If desired, add diced tomatoes and onion.
8. 1 TBSP Chili Powder
9. ½ TBSP Cumin
10. 1 TBSP Onion Powder
In a Teflon pot or big Teflon frying pan with a cover add a little canola oil with
the rice. Don’t add too much oil, you’re just trying to saturate the rice not
deep fry it.
Set your flame on high and continually move the rice around until
it browns. Remember, just brown it; it shouldn’t be get dark brown. It seems to be about right when you get a popcorn-like smell from the pan.
Add your water completely, then add tomato sauce.
Finally, add the remaining ingredients.
Continue to stir on high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat cover and simmer for
35 minutes. Fluff with a fork and serve.
To save on dishes, I let the chicken hang out in the marinade while the rice cooled a bit. I then measured the rice into 3/4 cup servings and placed in ziplock baggies for storage until the pot was empty. Then I finished cooking the chicken as well. The serving size for chicken is 6 ounces.
Jealousy
Last night I made a recipe my sponsor gave me for chicken and rice. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to eat a plate before it was time to go to my meeting so I let my husband graze and grabbed some El Pollo Loco. This morning, I put together my pre-measured plate of food and discovered how incredibly delicious the chicken and rice plate is!
Then I realized my husband was having this chicken and rice for lunch and felt an insane surge of jealousy. Yes, I was jealous of my husband for getting to eat the exact same chicken and rice that was sitting in front of me. I stopped a moment, recognized the crazy, and had a good chuckle.
Then I realized my husband was having this chicken and rice for lunch and felt an insane surge of jealousy. Yes, I was jealous of my husband for getting to eat the exact same chicken and rice that was sitting in front of me. I stopped a moment, recognized the crazy, and had a good chuckle.
Wisdom
"It is only the ego that compares. Wisdom does not compare, wisdom simply knows everything is as it is supposed to be." - Rev. Danielle Marie Hewitt
I attended a meeting this evening at an interesting spiritual center. So, curious, I began to look further into the spiritual center and the type of faith services that they offer. During a meditation period, I heard the reverend make this comment and thought I'd share.
I attended a meeting this evening at an interesting spiritual center. So, curious, I began to look further into the spiritual center and the type of faith services that they offer. During a meditation period, I heard the reverend make this comment and thought I'd share.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Red Light, Green Light and the Inventory
When I first came into OA, I grabbed a sponsor my first meeting. The first thing she discussed was making an inventory of red light, yellow light, and green light foods. Red light foods were those which I knew I could not eat safely. Yellow light foods were those that I would have to be cautious around. Green light foods were those foods I could eat without fear of triggering compulsive overeating.
A few weeks ago I purchased a workbook at my Thursday night meeting. I turned to the first page and read the prompt before deciding to wait for instruction from my sponsor to begin this workbook. But the past weeks I have been thinking about that prompt, and for me the thoughts don't really go away until I let them go (i.e. write them down).
The prompt reads: "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
This isn't going to be a full response to that prompt, but this prompt made me think about why my work with my first sponsor was doomed to fail. Everything is a red or yellow light food! I have managed to binge at least once on all of the following [and by binge I mean overeat to an extreme degree often resulting in physical illness or extreme discomfort]:
Meats
grilled chicken breast
chicken/turkey cold cuts
bologna
hot dogs
sausage
(turkey) bacon
steak
ground beef
ground turkey
meatballs
beef jerky
ground lamb
lamb/chicken/beef kebab
Dairy
cheese [everything from goats cheese and brie to cheddar and pepper jack]
(Greek) yogurt
ice cream [not sure that should really count as dairy]
cottage cheese
sour cream [have sat down with a spoon to eat this before]
cream cheese [although I did add some sugar to it before I ate it]
eggs [scrambled, poached, over medium, hard boiled, medium boiled]
Breads/Grains
All [everything from bread to oatmeal to falafel and more]
Fruits
apples [which was a terrible idea since I am allergic to them]
(dry) apricots
avocado
bananas
blueberries
cherries
coconut
grapes
honeydew
mandarin
cantaloupe [also an allergically bad idea - I thought my mouth would never stop itching]
watermelon
nectarine
orange
peach
pear
plums
pineapple
salsa [of various origins - yum]
strawberry
tangerine
Vegetables
artichoke [that was a painful binge. . .]
black beans
chickpeas
green beans
kidney beans
lentils
pinto beans
soy beans
peas
broccoli
cabbage [another terrible idea intestinally speaking]
cauliflower [amazingly tasty with lemon juice]
celery [an unpleasant binge since I hate celery - but I ate it all anyway]
corn
okra
yellow & orange bell pepper
pepperochinis [that was some awful heart burn]
beets
carrots
pickled turnips [so tasty, but so painful in large quantities]
spinach
cucumber
zucchini
pumpkin
potato
sweet potato
yam
water chestnuts
Sweets
All
I have even binged on juices, soda, energy drinks, coffee, tea, and once drank so much water that I threw my electrolites completely out of whack.
That isn't to say I even like all the foods I've binged on. While a lot of my binging is related to the foods I like to eat, it isn't always about the food. Sometimes it is about that feeling of being painfully full - full to the point of vomiting. As in the above-mentioned celery binge, it was about inflicting punishment upon myself.
A food plan based upon avoiding trigger foods is nearly impossible when everything is a trigger. That's why my own food plan - eating virtually the same thing every day - works for me. There is no need to think or plan or be at the mercy of my binges. I eat my food and leave it at that. In the simplicity I [usually] find peace.
A few weeks ago I purchased a workbook at my Thursday night meeting. I turned to the first page and read the prompt before deciding to wait for instruction from my sponsor to begin this workbook. But the past weeks I have been thinking about that prompt, and for me the thoughts don't really go away until I let them go (i.e. write them down).
The prompt reads: "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
This isn't going to be a full response to that prompt, but this prompt made me think about why my work with my first sponsor was doomed to fail. Everything is a red or yellow light food! I have managed to binge at least once on all of the following [and by binge I mean overeat to an extreme degree often resulting in physical illness or extreme discomfort]:
Meats
grilled chicken breast
chicken/turkey cold cuts
bologna
hot dogs
sausage
(turkey) bacon
steak
ground beef
ground turkey
meatballs
beef jerky
ground lamb
lamb/chicken/beef kebab
Dairy
cheese [everything from goats cheese and brie to cheddar and pepper jack]
(Greek) yogurt
ice cream [not sure that should really count as dairy]
cottage cheese
sour cream [have sat down with a spoon to eat this before]
cream cheese [although I did add some sugar to it before I ate it]
eggs [scrambled, poached, over medium, hard boiled, medium boiled]
Breads/Grains
All [everything from bread to oatmeal to falafel and more]
Fruits
apples [which was a terrible idea since I am allergic to them]
(dry) apricots
avocado
bananas
blueberries
cherries
coconut
grapes
honeydew
mandarin
cantaloupe [also an allergically bad idea - I thought my mouth would never stop itching]
watermelon
nectarine
orange
peach
pear
plums
pineapple
salsa [of various origins - yum]
strawberry
tangerine
Vegetables
artichoke [that was a painful binge. . .]
black beans
chickpeas
green beans
kidney beans
lentils
pinto beans
soy beans
peas
broccoli
cabbage [another terrible idea intestinally speaking]
cauliflower [amazingly tasty with lemon juice]
celery [an unpleasant binge since I hate celery - but I ate it all anyway]
corn
okra
yellow & orange bell pepper
pepperochinis [that was some awful heart burn]
beets
carrots
pickled turnips [so tasty, but so painful in large quantities]
spinach
cucumber
zucchini
pumpkin
potato
sweet potato
yam
water chestnuts
Sweets
All
I have even binged on juices, soda, energy drinks, coffee, tea, and once drank so much water that I threw my electrolites completely out of whack.
That isn't to say I even like all the foods I've binged on. While a lot of my binging is related to the foods I like to eat, it isn't always about the food. Sometimes it is about that feeling of being painfully full - full to the point of vomiting. As in the above-mentioned celery binge, it was about inflicting punishment upon myself.
A food plan based upon avoiding trigger foods is nearly impossible when everything is a trigger. That's why my own food plan - eating virtually the same thing every day - works for me. There is no need to think or plan or be at the mercy of my binges. I eat my food and leave it at that. In the simplicity I [usually] find peace.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
The Running Dream
I have a recurring dream that I'm running. It isn't a bad dream, and I'm not running to or from anything. I can't say how long I've been running or when I'm going to stop - I'm running for the sake of running. The day is perfect - sunny but not too bright, and the temperature is just right for running. My muscles don't ache, my lungs fill effortlessly and painlessly with air and I'm in that groove where I can run forever. Whenever I have this dream I feel completely free and at peace. I am at one with the world around me and the universe.
I remember having this feeling when I was younger and ran cross country. You get to a point where running is its own form of meditation. You don't care about how fast you're going or how far you're going to run. I used to just run until I felt I'd worked out the problem in my mind - not consciously because I never really thought during my runs. The only sounds in my running utopia are the sounds of my breathing and heart beat going in time with the slap of my shoes on the pavement. And in that special place of quiet, I found find my center and suddenly my problems would unravel.
Abstinence feels a bit like that when I've had a good day. But after having that dream I look forward to the time when my sponsor tells me to start exercising again, because I miss the run.
The running dream is my favorite dream. It always seems to come when I most need the peace and spiritual healing it always seems to bring. To which all I can say is, "thanks God, I needed that."
I remember having this feeling when I was younger and ran cross country. You get to a point where running is its own form of meditation. You don't care about how fast you're going or how far you're going to run. I used to just run until I felt I'd worked out the problem in my mind - not consciously because I never really thought during my runs. The only sounds in my running utopia are the sounds of my breathing and heart beat going in time with the slap of my shoes on the pavement. And in that special place of quiet, I found find my center and suddenly my problems would unravel.
Abstinence feels a bit like that when I've had a good day. But after having that dream I look forward to the time when my sponsor tells me to start exercising again, because I miss the run.
The running dream is my favorite dream. It always seems to come when I most need the peace and spiritual healing it always seems to bring. To which all I can say is, "thanks God, I needed that."
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Chapter 1 - Bill's Story - page 1
"Here was love, applause,war; moments sublime with intervals hilarious. I was part of life at last, and in the midst of the excitement I discovered [food]." - page 1
Growing up I remember my mother's valiant efforts to teach me reasonable eating habits. Considering that she had her own issues with food, this was more a situation of the blind leading the blind. Not that she is a compulsive overeater by any means, but she has had a conflicted relationship with food as long as I can remember. Food was her great love and her great enemy, as she often showed with her almost religious dedication to exercise and dieting. There wasn't a fad diet or crazy medicine she hadn't tried to help her fight what she saw as her own personal battle of the bulge. That she never got beyond what someone might call a "normal" weight never mattered. It was the fear of obesity that rode her back like a pitchforked demon.
So it was with a sense of wonder and awe that I discovered my first weeks in college that there was no one watching me. No one cared what I ate or didn't eat. I could binge on Fruit Loops for dinner and no one would even blink! I had a cafeteria with a wealth of junk food round the clock to cater to my whims and fancies. I was an adult with my own choices and mistakes to be made, and I discovered food in all its glutenous glory. I slept at insane hours, shirked my classes as it pleased me, ate what I pleased, spent time with whomever I pleased - I was free at last.
That first semester I gained my freshman fifteen and then some. I was out the gates and heading headlong into disaster with a smile on my face.
"I was very lonely and again turned to [food]." - page 1
All my life I have had a feeling that there is some part of me that's missing. It's this gaping hole inside that I have tried to fill with success, love, excitement, sex, food, and even pain during my stint as a cutter.
I can't say I've gone more than a week without some love interest or another since I was fourteen years old. In those times when I didn't have some romance to moon over I was despondent. I would starve myself, vomit up whatever I ate, and exercise like a fiend until I finally attracted a new boyfriend. And then I would wait until the new rush passed before finding someone new, wait until the new relationship was a guarantee, and then leap between boyfriends. I stayed with men I was no longer interested in so I would have someone there until I found the replacement because the thought of being alone was too terrible.
When I had my son, I felt like that missing piece had been filled and said "ah ha! This is at last the source of my problem! I was missing my baby and never even knew it!" With that I promptly quit OA and went on to live my life as a normal person. But nine months later I was back in the program again. My son does fill my life in ways that I never dreamed possible, but the fact remained that when he was in bed that gaping chasm would open up once more to swallow me whole. Then I would turn to food once more to help comfort me.
But during those times when I didn't have someone to distract me from the loneliness I would eat and eat and eat. I would go to multiple drive-thrus, ordering huge quantities of food until I had enough to feed a reasonable person for days. I would even order extra drinks so that people at the restaurants would think I was ordering for multiple people. But something tells me that a nearly 300 pound woman ordering multiple burgers, fries, onion rings, and deserts plus a few drinks wasn't going to fool them - especially if they happened to see the three other bags of fast food sitting on my other side.
So I picked food to be my solace all the while hiding away in my lonely little apartment so no one could see me eat away my loneliness. The bigger I got, the more I turned to food - relationship or no relationship - to ease the emptiness inside. Even after having had a gastric bypass I'd order food like before and then eat it slowly until all of it was inside my stomach. I was never able to gain back all my weight, but it wasn't from lack of trying. I would eat to the point of vomiting, clear my stomach, and then eat again in an unending cycle of binge and loathing.
I would hate myself before I even started the binge, dread the feelings of misery that would result as I took each bite, but was completely powerless to stop myself. So even as I ordered the food I felt that sense of dread and self-hate, and wished I could just stop those words from coming out of my mouth. But it was like I was a horrified passenger, along for the ride in my own personal never-ending nightmare.
"I fancied myself a leader . . . . My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance." - page 1
Feeling ugly as a child, I had to find another avenue for self-worth. To that end, I focused on education as my key to making my family proud of me. I was blessed that in high school and even in my undergraduate years I was able to excel in honors courses with little hard work. It was the best of all worlds, bringing me accolades with little real effort. By the time I decided to go to law school, I saw no reason why this should change.
Of course I was wrong. The thing about being at the top of your high school class is that you are the best in your little pond. There has been no sorting of the students to give you real competition outside of your honors and advanced placement courses. Then you arrive at college where in theory you are with the top students from high schools around the country. But then you finish undergraduate studies at the top of your class and believe yourself to be one of the best and the brightest. And you are. You are selected for a top law program in the nation and you go there expecting to glide through that program as effortlessly as before. Except there's one hitch. You're now among the best of the best in the universities.
This is a rarefied group where you are no longer a unique snowflake - you are just like everyone else. And then the real sorting comes down to who is willing to work the hardest, because everyone is of about equal intelligence. Those who are willing to make the most sacrifices are the ones who will win out in the grade pool.
So it was that after my first semester in law school I discovered that I was in the middle of the pack and in dire need of a place for my first summer internship. These are already difficult positions to come by - all firms expect you to find something, but no one wants to hire you! And I then realized that I was no longer a special snowflake, and my intelligence alone was not going to get me to the top of anything. Unused to having to work hard, I floundered and I began to drown.
My ego took a deathly blow, and with it so too did my waistband. While I had gained ten pounds from stress that first semester, in the next two years I would go on to gain another sixty pounds. I went to grad school wearing a size fourteen and left wearing a size 24.
The bigger I got, the worse my job prospects, and the worse my job prospects the bigger I got. I tried crazy diets, all liquid diets, medically supervised diets, you name it. Nothing seemed to work! I dieted and exercised like a fiend, and I don't really recall actually breaking the diets. I could have sworn that I was giving it my all - exercising what I thought was herculean willpower. But nothing helped.
I can still remember the day I went to the doctor at age 24 and heard that I would be dead by age 30 unless I got bariatric surgery. I was reactive hypoglycemic and had what they called Metabolic Syndrome X. Even if I was able to control my eating, my body was so broken, they said, that I was going to be unable to sustain meaningful weight loss without surgical intervention. So it was with great remorse that I researched and ultimately had a rou-en y gastric bypass.
Growing up I remember my mother's valiant efforts to teach me reasonable eating habits. Considering that she had her own issues with food, this was more a situation of the blind leading the blind. Not that she is a compulsive overeater by any means, but she has had a conflicted relationship with food as long as I can remember. Food was her great love and her great enemy, as she often showed with her almost religious dedication to exercise and dieting. There wasn't a fad diet or crazy medicine she hadn't tried to help her fight what she saw as her own personal battle of the bulge. That she never got beyond what someone might call a "normal" weight never mattered. It was the fear of obesity that rode her back like a pitchforked demon.
So it was with a sense of wonder and awe that I discovered my first weeks in college that there was no one watching me. No one cared what I ate or didn't eat. I could binge on Fruit Loops for dinner and no one would even blink! I had a cafeteria with a wealth of junk food round the clock to cater to my whims and fancies. I was an adult with my own choices and mistakes to be made, and I discovered food in all its glutenous glory. I slept at insane hours, shirked my classes as it pleased me, ate what I pleased, spent time with whomever I pleased - I was free at last.
That first semester I gained my freshman fifteen and then some. I was out the gates and heading headlong into disaster with a smile on my face.
"I was very lonely and again turned to [food]." - page 1
All my life I have had a feeling that there is some part of me that's missing. It's this gaping hole inside that I have tried to fill with success, love, excitement, sex, food, and even pain during my stint as a cutter.
I can't say I've gone more than a week without some love interest or another since I was fourteen years old. In those times when I didn't have some romance to moon over I was despondent. I would starve myself, vomit up whatever I ate, and exercise like a fiend until I finally attracted a new boyfriend. And then I would wait until the new rush passed before finding someone new, wait until the new relationship was a guarantee, and then leap between boyfriends. I stayed with men I was no longer interested in so I would have someone there until I found the replacement because the thought of being alone was too terrible.
When I had my son, I felt like that missing piece had been filled and said "ah ha! This is at last the source of my problem! I was missing my baby and never even knew it!" With that I promptly quit OA and went on to live my life as a normal person. But nine months later I was back in the program again. My son does fill my life in ways that I never dreamed possible, but the fact remained that when he was in bed that gaping chasm would open up once more to swallow me whole. Then I would turn to food once more to help comfort me.
But during those times when I didn't have someone to distract me from the loneliness I would eat and eat and eat. I would go to multiple drive-thrus, ordering huge quantities of food until I had enough to feed a reasonable person for days. I would even order extra drinks so that people at the restaurants would think I was ordering for multiple people. But something tells me that a nearly 300 pound woman ordering multiple burgers, fries, onion rings, and deserts plus a few drinks wasn't going to fool them - especially if they happened to see the three other bags of fast food sitting on my other side.
So I picked food to be my solace all the while hiding away in my lonely little apartment so no one could see me eat away my loneliness. The bigger I got, the more I turned to food - relationship or no relationship - to ease the emptiness inside. Even after having had a gastric bypass I'd order food like before and then eat it slowly until all of it was inside my stomach. I was never able to gain back all my weight, but it wasn't from lack of trying. I would eat to the point of vomiting, clear my stomach, and then eat again in an unending cycle of binge and loathing.
I would hate myself before I even started the binge, dread the feelings of misery that would result as I took each bite, but was completely powerless to stop myself. So even as I ordered the food I felt that sense of dread and self-hate, and wished I could just stop those words from coming out of my mouth. But it was like I was a horrified passenger, along for the ride in my own personal never-ending nightmare.
"I fancied myself a leader . . . . My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance." - page 1
Feeling ugly as a child, I had to find another avenue for self-worth. To that end, I focused on education as my key to making my family proud of me. I was blessed that in high school and even in my undergraduate years I was able to excel in honors courses with little hard work. It was the best of all worlds, bringing me accolades with little real effort. By the time I decided to go to law school, I saw no reason why this should change.
Of course I was wrong. The thing about being at the top of your high school class is that you are the best in your little pond. There has been no sorting of the students to give you real competition outside of your honors and advanced placement courses. Then you arrive at college where in theory you are with the top students from high schools around the country. But then you finish undergraduate studies at the top of your class and believe yourself to be one of the best and the brightest. And you are. You are selected for a top law program in the nation and you go there expecting to glide through that program as effortlessly as before. Except there's one hitch. You're now among the best of the best in the universities.
This is a rarefied group where you are no longer a unique snowflake - you are just like everyone else. And then the real sorting comes down to who is willing to work the hardest, because everyone is of about equal intelligence. Those who are willing to make the most sacrifices are the ones who will win out in the grade pool.
So it was that after my first semester in law school I discovered that I was in the middle of the pack and in dire need of a place for my first summer internship. These are already difficult positions to come by - all firms expect you to find something, but no one wants to hire you! And I then realized that I was no longer a special snowflake, and my intelligence alone was not going to get me to the top of anything. Unused to having to work hard, I floundered and I began to drown.
My ego took a deathly blow, and with it so too did my waistband. While I had gained ten pounds from stress that first semester, in the next two years I would go on to gain another sixty pounds. I went to grad school wearing a size fourteen and left wearing a size 24.
The bigger I got, the worse my job prospects, and the worse my job prospects the bigger I got. I tried crazy diets, all liquid diets, medically supervised diets, you name it. Nothing seemed to work! I dieted and exercised like a fiend, and I don't really recall actually breaking the diets. I could have sworn that I was giving it my all - exercising what I thought was herculean willpower. But nothing helped.
I can still remember the day I went to the doctor at age 24 and heard that I would be dead by age 30 unless I got bariatric surgery. I was reactive hypoglycemic and had what they called Metabolic Syndrome X. Even if I was able to control my eating, my body was so broken, they said, that I was going to be unable to sustain meaningful weight loss without surgical intervention. So it was with great remorse that I researched and ultimately had a rou-en y gastric bypass.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
One Thread At A Time
"Weaving the Fabric of Our Lives" - Beyond Our Wildest Dreams, p. 175
"The image of my Higher power lovingly guiding the weaving of my recovery tapestry - spiritual, emotional, and physical - adds to my peace and serenity. As long as I use the tools . . . my recovery tapestry will not unravel, and I will continue to move forward in my recovery." - Voices of Recovery, p. 8
I remember one of my first outreach calls I made on my current sponsor's instructions. I kept asking N. about whether I would ever eat bread again, among other things. She said "I don't know, but not today." Any time I asked a panicked question about the future, that was her response. Eventually I took up the same philosophy. It tracks well with what you hear in meetings and from the readings - recovery happens one day at a time. All it takes is one day of compulsive overeating and the person who had twenty years of abstinence now has zero days. It is so easy to slip.
But I love the image of the tapestry. I read this passage and had the mental image that every day I am abstinent I am adding one more thread to my tapestry. So I will build my life, my recovery one day and one thread at a time.
"The image of my Higher power lovingly guiding the weaving of my recovery tapestry - spiritual, emotional, and physical - adds to my peace and serenity. As long as I use the tools . . . my recovery tapestry will not unravel, and I will continue to move forward in my recovery." - Voices of Recovery, p. 8
I remember one of my first outreach calls I made on my current sponsor's instructions. I kept asking N. about whether I would ever eat bread again, among other things. She said "I don't know, but not today." Any time I asked a panicked question about the future, that was her response. Eventually I took up the same philosophy. It tracks well with what you hear in meetings and from the readings - recovery happens one day at a time. All it takes is one day of compulsive overeating and the person who had twenty years of abstinence now has zero days. It is so easy to slip.
But I love the image of the tapestry. I read this passage and had the mental image that every day I am abstinent I am adding one more thread to my tapestry. So I will build my life, my recovery one day and one thread at a time.
Act Accordingly. . .
I heard something great in a phone meeting today:
God gave you two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. Act accordingly.
God gave you two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. Act accordingly.
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