Working with my sponsor, I have made the first run through Section I of the Big Book and I'm now making my second round. At first I believed it would be a futile exercise - I read it carefully the first time through. . . what did she think I was missing?!? But I didn't argue - mine is not to wonder why, mine is but to do or die. [Literally.]
I went through the preface, nodding with my great wisdom born of a whopping 38 days of abstinence! Then I got to the first sentence of the Foreword to the First Edition and it stopped me cold.
"We of [Overeater's] Anonymous . . . have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." I am not recovered yet. I am far from recovered. But when I first read that sentence I glossed over it. It meant nothing to me - I wanted to get to the meat. I wanted the answers. But I missed the first and most important answer of all: this malady is only seemingly hopeless.
I had envisioned a pitched battle with this disease that would go on the rest of my life, with abstinence held together only by duct tape and a bent paper clip MacGyver style. I never imagined that in less than a month the miracle would happen. I honestly didn't understand what "the miracle" meant. In my mind I thought it was just the weight loss. It never occurred to me that something actually miraculous would occur!
The miracle is clarity of mind. The insanity that rages constantly in my mind tuned down the volume from a 10 to a 1. It is still there, and Marion - my disease - is constantly lurking and waiting for the opportunity to jump back into dominance. But for now, she is silent.
I was right in a sense - there is a pitched battle going on for my life, and Marion wants to kill me. But this is only a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. If I follow directions, work the steps, and keep coming back she is going to be held at bay. And there is absolutely a pitched battle going on, but it isn't being held together by duct tape and a bent paper clip. It is being silently waged in the background, and as long as I make sure my Higher Power's voice and my sponsor's voice are coming through loud and clear it's going to stay that way.
That is the miracle. Thank God.
