The Doctor's Opinion
"We doctors have realized for a long time that some form of moral psychology was of urgent importance to [compulsive overeaters], but its application presented difficulties beyond our conception. What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge." - xxvii
Had you asked me ten years ago if there were problems of health that medical science could not resolve, I would have said "no." Even psychological problems could be solved through medication - or so I thought. And I considered psychiatric treatment to be within the scope of medical science. I figured that if there was something medical science couldn't cure today, that we would eventually find a way to cure it in the future. And it is true there is a possibility that food addiction will be curable later on. They are already making vaccines against nicotine and methamphetamine, maybe they will create a vaccine against whatever goes on with our brains as well. But right now, this problem is not something that medicine can address - not that they haven't tried.
I remember the first thing my doctor did was try increasing my thyroid levels up slightly above the normal range. When that didn't work, they tried giving me tablets that would curb my appetite. Eventually when that didn't work, they gave me tablets that would bind to fat molecules and help me not absorb everything I was eating. When that made me sick, they sent me to a nutritionist who gave me an insanely detailed diet involving weighing and measuring every bite of food - when that didn't work for the high school student I was at the time, they then tried signing me up for a personal trainer and exercise program. Again that didn't work. I have tried everything from a measured carbohydrate diet, to a no carbohydrate diet, to a low fat diet, to Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers, and even a liquid diet. When nothing could help and I just got worse and worse, the doctor told me that I needed bariatric surgery. I was reactive hypoglycemic and developing insulin resistance. I was told that if I didn't get that surgery I'd be dead by thirty. So I got the surgery and it didn't help. Well, it didn't help much. I was able to keep off a whopping thirty pounds. That's it. Of the over 100 pounds I needed to lose I was able to keep off thirty.
But I find the phrasing to be the most interesting part of this quote: "moral psychology" and "synthetic knowledge." Saying that the psychology involved in finding abstinence is "moral" in nature bothers me. It suggests that there is something amoral about people who have addiction problems, and that just isn't the case. We may have moral issues, but not by virtue of having an addiction! Again it goes back to the nature of the malady being both physical and spiritual in nature. If it were a purely physical or purely psychological or even purely spiritual problem, a solution would be far easier to find. Referring to the medical science as "synthetic knowledge" is also fascinating.
The practice of medicine is called a practice because it is more of an art than a science. We test our medicines on people in a vacuum. At least, as much of one as we can create. There are always those people who are more sensitive or less sensitive than others. And while there is a range of "normal" for locations of anatomy, not everyones heart is in the precise same location as everyone elses heart. Sure the general location is correct, but it is the details that differ. So anything we say we "know" about the body really is this artificial notion based on statistics and averages, as opposed to specifics. The phrase "synthetic knowledge" seems to address both the imperfections of our medical knowledge - and imperfections of our ability to actually apply that knowledge to individual cases - and the fact that most of our remedies involve putting a foreign substance into our bodies.
"Of course [a compulsive overeater] ought to be freed from his physical craving for [food], and this often requires a definite hospital procedure, before psychological measures can be of maximum benefit." - xxvii - xxviii
Again it is the notion of mixing medicine and spiritual healing. But I read this and wondered what exactly this would involve for a compulsive overeater. There are bariatric surgeries, but that isn't exactly necessary. Would this "definite hospital procedure" be the equivalent of our food plans? Or are they referring more to the detoxification portion of weaning an alcoholic off of alcohol. Considering that this was written in the 1930s, I'd be curious to learn what kind of hospital treatment that alcoholics received.
------------------
Normally I should do five pages, but there is so much that called to me that I'd be up all night if I tried, so I'll return tomorrow for more!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
I Just Couldn't Do It
On Thursday I leave for my cruise with my husband. I am going to be starting a new abstinence program when I get back, and as part of that abstinence program I am going to have a new OA birthday. So essentially I am going to be starting over again.
Which is wonderful, because it is a fresh start. But it also is awful because I worked hard these past months staying abstinent. After a discussion with my husband I decided to say "screw it" and just eat that french fry. Except I couldn't do it. I thought about trying to drink soda, but I couldn't do that either.
The thought of how painful the withdrawal from those items was stopped me. No amount of enjoyment is going to be worth adding that pain onto the pain I'm going to be feeling when wheat and sugar is taken out of my diet.
Previously I thought it was the chip that kept me honest. For years I used to lie to myself and say I ate healthy. I took great care of myself. I exercised all the time and almost never ate junk food. Any time I ate junk food or didn't go to the gym, I told myself it was an aberration. That wasn't the normal - it was just that one day.
The thing about abstinence is that "just that one day" means you are now in the zero to twenty-nine days abstinent category. Whenever I really wanted to break abstinence, I thought about that and stopped - because it meant starting over again. It meant that all my prior hard work and good behavior meant nothing.
But even though I'm starting over, I still couldn't do it. Because even though my life is a mess and what I'm doing now isn't working - it's still better than what my life was before. I just couldn't do it.
Which is wonderful, because it is a fresh start. But it also is awful because I worked hard these past months staying abstinent. After a discussion with my husband I decided to say "screw it" and just eat that french fry. Except I couldn't do it. I thought about trying to drink soda, but I couldn't do that either.
The thought of how painful the withdrawal from those items was stopped me. No amount of enjoyment is going to be worth adding that pain onto the pain I'm going to be feeling when wheat and sugar is taken out of my diet.
Previously I thought it was the chip that kept me honest. For years I used to lie to myself and say I ate healthy. I took great care of myself. I exercised all the time and almost never ate junk food. Any time I ate junk food or didn't go to the gym, I told myself it was an aberration. That wasn't the normal - it was just that one day.
The thing about abstinence is that "just that one day" means you are now in the zero to twenty-nine days abstinent category. Whenever I really wanted to break abstinence, I thought about that and stopped - because it meant starting over again. It meant that all my prior hard work and good behavior meant nothing.
But even though I'm starting over, I still couldn't do it. Because even though my life is a mess and what I'm doing now isn't working - it's still better than what my life was before. I just couldn't do it.
Preface - xxii to xxvi
Foreword to Third Edition
"Seven percent of the A.A.'s surveyed are less than 30 years of age - among them, many in their teens." - xxii
The fact that there were people back in the fledgling years of AA who were this young just confirms for me that there is a genetic component to addiction. My great grandfather was a terrible alcoholic. It was eventually what killed him - which isn't surprising since having lost a leg while being hit by a train [while drunk] didn't stop him from drinking. Addiction is hard-wired into my DNA. And it isn't just food. I can be compulsive about anything - arts and crafts, video games, books, etc. It always seems to be that I get started doing something, and then I feel compulsively driven to keep doing that one thing. So everything is feast or famine with me. If I am in the mood to watch TV, I want to watch TV every night and every free minute of the day. But as soon as I want to read instead of watch TV, I suddenly am obsessed with reading every night and every free minute of the day. There is no middle ground - and it seems to be the same way with food. I either am binge eating or I am fasting/purging. I always tend to swing to the extremes.
". . . recovery begins when one [compulsive overeater] talks with another [compulsive overeater], sharing experience, strength, and hope." - xxii
It was the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that brought me back to OA. What has been so bizarre this time around is that when my world feels overwhelming and I think I don't have the strength to make it another day, I go to a meeting and I feel like things will be okay. And it isn't just about abstinence, it's about my job and my marriage and my child - all the little stresses that build up until I think that I am going to break are gone as soon as I walk in that door. It is like I can finally breathe again. And the rest of the day or night (depending on the time of the meeting) I feel like I have the strength to keep going.
Foreword to Fourth Edition
"When the phrase 'We are people who normally would not mix' . . . was written in 1939, it referred to a Fellowship composed largely of men (and a few women) with quite similar social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. Like so much of A.A.'s basic text, those words have proved to be far more visionary than the founding members could ever have imagined." - xxiii
The most bizarre aspect of OA meetings is the kinship I feel with people I never would have encountered in my daily life otherwise. I listen to speakers who are from completely different social, ethnic and economic backgrounds to me and I hear my own story. It's like meeting a family I never knew existed but who are so like me it is almost frightening. And I do feel a kinship with the people I talk to at the meetings. We're in this together, and there is a camaraderie, because I need them to recover and they need me to recover. At my first meeting, I had the distinct sensation that I was coming home.
". . . [OA]'s speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." - xxiv
I love that I can be honest about my life when I am sharing at an OA meeting. There is something amazing about the anonymity that allows me to open up my deepest and darkest secrets. This is the place where it is appropriate to strip down the ego and the image and all the bullshit we put out to hide our disease. We can bear all and know that we are safe to do so. Not only do people understand the lows, they've been there themselves. There's a great quote I heard that goes something like this: "Of course we feel inadequate - we're comparing our everyday lives to other people's highlight reels." At the meetings we get to share the worst moments of our lives and discover that we're not alone. It is that honesty and that understanding that I think of when I read this passage.
The Doctor's Opinion
". . . suffered [compulsive overeater] torture. . ." - xxvi
God, how true this is. There is that moment when I've finished the box of Oreos or that carton of ice cream that I hate myself. Or sometimes even while I still am eating, because I look in that container and see that I have two more cookies, and it is with bone deep and gut wrenching despair that I pick up those two cookies and eat them. Because they're there. Because then the box will be empty and it won't be there to torment me any more.
And I hate myself every last second that the bite is going into my mouth, and every last second I chew that bite, all the way until I finish that box. And I despise myself for the weakness that led me to eat the box in the first place. I promise not to ever buy another box of cookies again. I swear that I have learned my lesson and I never ever want to feel horrible like that again. But somehow when I am at the store it seems like my arms and hands have a will entirely of their own as I put another box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box on the conveyor belt to be purchased. And the cycle begins again.
Not to mention the deep shame of it all. Sometimes I try to pretend I am having friends over - I make up a story about going to a party or having people over to watch the game. And when I go to drive-thru windows and am ordering enough food to feed an army I purchase multiple drinks just so the person at the window won't know that it is all for me. Yet there is still that pinpoint of terror inside when the cashier looks at me that they know. They are looking at my fat ass and they know that I just paid another five dollars for two extra drinks to try and pretend that all that food isn't going into my own stomach.
Torture is the best possible word for this disease.
". . . the body of the [compulsive overeater] is quite as abnormal as his mind. . . It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our [eating] just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the [compulsive overeater] which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete." - xxvi
This is the flip side to the discussion that was previously in the preface talking about how this is not just a physical problem but a spiritual malady. It also ties in to the findings that addiction is something a person can be genetically predispositioned to. At least one study shows that sugar can be as addictive as cocaine or heroin, including withdrawal symptoms if it is eliminated from the diet.
"Seven percent of the A.A.'s surveyed are less than 30 years of age - among them, many in their teens." - xxii
The fact that there were people back in the fledgling years of AA who were this young just confirms for me that there is a genetic component to addiction. My great grandfather was a terrible alcoholic. It was eventually what killed him - which isn't surprising since having lost a leg while being hit by a train [while drunk] didn't stop him from drinking. Addiction is hard-wired into my DNA. And it isn't just food. I can be compulsive about anything - arts and crafts, video games, books, etc. It always seems to be that I get started doing something, and then I feel compulsively driven to keep doing that one thing. So everything is feast or famine with me. If I am in the mood to watch TV, I want to watch TV every night and every free minute of the day. But as soon as I want to read instead of watch TV, I suddenly am obsessed with reading every night and every free minute of the day. There is no middle ground - and it seems to be the same way with food. I either am binge eating or I am fasting/purging. I always tend to swing to the extremes.
". . . recovery begins when one [compulsive overeater] talks with another [compulsive overeater], sharing experience, strength, and hope." - xxii
It was the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that brought me back to OA. What has been so bizarre this time around is that when my world feels overwhelming and I think I don't have the strength to make it another day, I go to a meeting and I feel like things will be okay. And it isn't just about abstinence, it's about my job and my marriage and my child - all the little stresses that build up until I think that I am going to break are gone as soon as I walk in that door. It is like I can finally breathe again. And the rest of the day or night (depending on the time of the meeting) I feel like I have the strength to keep going.
Foreword to Fourth Edition
"When the phrase 'We are people who normally would not mix' . . . was written in 1939, it referred to a Fellowship composed largely of men (and a few women) with quite similar social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. Like so much of A.A.'s basic text, those words have proved to be far more visionary than the founding members could ever have imagined." - xxiii
The most bizarre aspect of OA meetings is the kinship I feel with people I never would have encountered in my daily life otherwise. I listen to speakers who are from completely different social, ethnic and economic backgrounds to me and I hear my own story. It's like meeting a family I never knew existed but who are so like me it is almost frightening. And I do feel a kinship with the people I talk to at the meetings. We're in this together, and there is a camaraderie, because I need them to recover and they need me to recover. At my first meeting, I had the distinct sensation that I was coming home.
". . . [OA]'s speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." - xxiv
I love that I can be honest about my life when I am sharing at an OA meeting. There is something amazing about the anonymity that allows me to open up my deepest and darkest secrets. This is the place where it is appropriate to strip down the ego and the image and all the bullshit we put out to hide our disease. We can bear all and know that we are safe to do so. Not only do people understand the lows, they've been there themselves. There's a great quote I heard that goes something like this: "Of course we feel inadequate - we're comparing our everyday lives to other people's highlight reels." At the meetings we get to share the worst moments of our lives and discover that we're not alone. It is that honesty and that understanding that I think of when I read this passage.
The Doctor's Opinion
". . . suffered [compulsive overeater] torture. . ." - xxvi
God, how true this is. There is that moment when I've finished the box of Oreos or that carton of ice cream that I hate myself. Or sometimes even while I still am eating, because I look in that container and see that I have two more cookies, and it is with bone deep and gut wrenching despair that I pick up those two cookies and eat them. Because they're there. Because then the box will be empty and it won't be there to torment me any more.
And I hate myself every last second that the bite is going into my mouth, and every last second I chew that bite, all the way until I finish that box. And I despise myself for the weakness that led me to eat the box in the first place. I promise not to ever buy another box of cookies again. I swear that I have learned my lesson and I never ever want to feel horrible like that again. But somehow when I am at the store it seems like my arms and hands have a will entirely of their own as I put another box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box in my cart. And I hate myself for putting that box on the conveyor belt to be purchased. And the cycle begins again.
Not to mention the deep shame of it all. Sometimes I try to pretend I am having friends over - I make up a story about going to a party or having people over to watch the game. And when I go to drive-thru windows and am ordering enough food to feed an army I purchase multiple drinks just so the person at the window won't know that it is all for me. Yet there is still that pinpoint of terror inside when the cashier looks at me that they know. They are looking at my fat ass and they know that I just paid another five dollars for two extra drinks to try and pretend that all that food isn't going into my own stomach.
Torture is the best possible word for this disease.
". . . the body of the [compulsive overeater] is quite as abnormal as his mind. . . It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our [eating] just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the [compulsive overeater] which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete." - xxvi
This is the flip side to the discussion that was previously in the preface talking about how this is not just a physical problem but a spiritual malady. It also ties in to the findings that addiction is something a person can be genetically predispositioned to. At least one study shows that sugar can be as addictive as cocaine or heroin, including withdrawal symptoms if it is eliminated from the diet.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Preface - xvi to xxi
Foreword to Second Edition
This section discusses the beginnings of AA and the discoveries made b the physician and broker who started the group.
". . . the necessity of belief in and dependence upon God." - xvi
I was once told that your higher power can be anything or any one, so long as it is something you are willing to put your faith in and surrender the power to. I'm not an atheist or even an agnostic, but I have a hard time believing that God will be the one to take away this insanity. At this stage my higher power is my sponsor. I can't manage my own food and I can't manage my own recovery. I'm just not equipped with the necessary tools to do this.
The thing is, I have prayed to God for help. I have prayed for many things, but it just never seems like He answers. Or if He is answering, it isn't in any way that I'm going to be able to hear. So if He's going to be inclined to answer now, He's going to have to do it through the voice of my sponsor.
And it isn't that I don't think He listens to prayers. For instance, I really attribute it to His grace that I found OA in the first place. But I can't sit and wait for something to happen. There's a great joke about a man who goes to a statue of St. Peter and prays every day to win the lottery. One day his forlorn tear strikes the foot of the statue and St. Peter comes to life and says to the man "for the love of God, buy a lottery ticket!"
". . . the theory that only [a compulsive overeater] could help [a compulsive overeater], but he succeeded only in keeping [abstinent] himself." - xvi
I always could remember getting angry at skinny people or people who were in great shape when they would talk to me about their "weight struggles". My mother is a prime example. She goes on about how she battles with food, and how it is so difficult for her to give up breads and all the other things she'll do depending on which fad diet she is following at a given time. I get that she is tempted and she really wants to eat the bread or whatever it is she gave up.
And I understand the determination it takes for those people who are in great shape to keep getting out of bed in the morning to exercise. But most of those people never got out of bed carrying another person in weight and went for that run. They get the satisfaction of feeling good after exercising and looking in the mirror and feeling accomplishment. All I get is the feeling that I'm going to die and a view of the same old fat ass I always see.
It is like someone who once sprained an ankle trying to tell a paraplegic that they "totally understand." My need to diet isn't about those extra four pounds I gained on vacation. I need to lose, conservatively speaking, at least fifty pounds. I probably should lose more like eighty or ninety pounds.
But my mentor's mentor lost over three hundred pounds - if there's someone who understands what it is to face a mountain, he's it. The people at OA who are working the steps and fighting these demons - they understand. They have a frame of reference for what I'm talking about and what I'm going through. And they've managed to pull through to the other side. And once I get to the other side, it's my turn to pull others across, because that's the only way to stay where I need to be. To remember the struggle and the suffering. Because if I let myself forget, like I did when I had my baby, then I'm going to be right back in hell again.
". . . in order to save himself he must carry his message to another [compulsive overeater]." - xvi
See above.
". . . began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster." - xvi
It's amazing the power of hope. At the end of the day, I am the one who is picking up the food and putting it into my mouth. But if I leave control of the food choices to my sponsor, I can succeed where previously I failed. And that's a powerful motivator.
But I love the description of this as the pursuit of a spiritual remedy for the malady. It is such a beautiful way to describe this problem. Whenever my mom gets on me about my weight and asks how much I've lost, I always tell her: "I don't weigh in." She gets upset, but I shake my head and tell her, "the weight is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself." That is what I learned in my first go at OA. This disease is both spiritual and physical, and all the doctors in the world are going to be helpless to cure it without that spiritual remedy.
I am seeking a spiritual remedy for my malady.
"This seemed to prove that one [compulsive overeater] could affect another as no non[compulsive overeater] could." - xvi-xvii
See above.
"There were many failures, but there was an occasional heartening success." - xvii
The rest of this section goes on to talk about the spread of AA and the fact that people kept coming back. Those who really tried either succeed immediately, eventually succeeded, or just simply got better. And many who left at first eventually came back.
This just resonated with me because I see and hear so much how people keep coming back to OA after they leave. If people keep returning to this program for the answer, it obviously is waiting there. And there eventually will be that one meeting that clicks. So even if there are going to be failures on my road, I can still look forward to an occasional heartening success.
This section discusses the beginnings of AA and the discoveries made b the physician and broker who started the group.
". . . the necessity of belief in and dependence upon God." - xvi
I was once told that your higher power can be anything or any one, so long as it is something you are willing to put your faith in and surrender the power to. I'm not an atheist or even an agnostic, but I have a hard time believing that God will be the one to take away this insanity. At this stage my higher power is my sponsor. I can't manage my own food and I can't manage my own recovery. I'm just not equipped with the necessary tools to do this.
The thing is, I have prayed to God for help. I have prayed for many things, but it just never seems like He answers. Or if He is answering, it isn't in any way that I'm going to be able to hear. So if He's going to be inclined to answer now, He's going to have to do it through the voice of my sponsor.
And it isn't that I don't think He listens to prayers. For instance, I really attribute it to His grace that I found OA in the first place. But I can't sit and wait for something to happen. There's a great joke about a man who goes to a statue of St. Peter and prays every day to win the lottery. One day his forlorn tear strikes the foot of the statue and St. Peter comes to life and says to the man "for the love of God, buy a lottery ticket!"
". . . the theory that only [a compulsive overeater] could help [a compulsive overeater], but he succeeded only in keeping [abstinent] himself." - xvi
I always could remember getting angry at skinny people or people who were in great shape when they would talk to me about their "weight struggles". My mother is a prime example. She goes on about how she battles with food, and how it is so difficult for her to give up breads and all the other things she'll do depending on which fad diet she is following at a given time. I get that she is tempted and she really wants to eat the bread or whatever it is she gave up.
And I understand the determination it takes for those people who are in great shape to keep getting out of bed in the morning to exercise. But most of those people never got out of bed carrying another person in weight and went for that run. They get the satisfaction of feeling good after exercising and looking in the mirror and feeling accomplishment. All I get is the feeling that I'm going to die and a view of the same old fat ass I always see.
It is like someone who once sprained an ankle trying to tell a paraplegic that they "totally understand." My need to diet isn't about those extra four pounds I gained on vacation. I need to lose, conservatively speaking, at least fifty pounds. I probably should lose more like eighty or ninety pounds.
But my mentor's mentor lost over three hundred pounds - if there's someone who understands what it is to face a mountain, he's it. The people at OA who are working the steps and fighting these demons - they understand. They have a frame of reference for what I'm talking about and what I'm going through. And they've managed to pull through to the other side. And once I get to the other side, it's my turn to pull others across, because that's the only way to stay where I need to be. To remember the struggle and the suffering. Because if I let myself forget, like I did when I had my baby, then I'm going to be right back in hell again.
". . . in order to save himself he must carry his message to another [compulsive overeater]." - xvi
See above.
". . . began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster." - xvi
It's amazing the power of hope. At the end of the day, I am the one who is picking up the food and putting it into my mouth. But if I leave control of the food choices to my sponsor, I can succeed where previously I failed. And that's a powerful motivator.
But I love the description of this as the pursuit of a spiritual remedy for the malady. It is such a beautiful way to describe this problem. Whenever my mom gets on me about my weight and asks how much I've lost, I always tell her: "I don't weigh in." She gets upset, but I shake my head and tell her, "the weight is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself." That is what I learned in my first go at OA. This disease is both spiritual and physical, and all the doctors in the world are going to be helpless to cure it without that spiritual remedy.
I am seeking a spiritual remedy for my malady.
"This seemed to prove that one [compulsive overeater] could affect another as no non[compulsive overeater] could." - xvi-xvii
See above.
"There were many failures, but there was an occasional heartening success." - xvii
The rest of this section goes on to talk about the spread of AA and the fact that people kept coming back. Those who really tried either succeed immediately, eventually succeeded, or just simply got better. And many who left at first eventually came back.
This just resonated with me because I see and hear so much how people keep coming back to OA after they leave. If people keep returning to this program for the answer, it obviously is waiting there. And there eventually will be that one meeting that clicks. So even if there are going to be failures on my road, I can still look forward to an occasional heartening success.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Preface - xi to xv
Preface pages xi to xv:
The first two pages describe the changes which have been made in the different editions of the big book.
Foreword to First Edition
"Many do not comprehend that the [compulsive overeater] is a very sick person." - xiii
I first went to Overeater's Anonymous because a family friend acknowledged that she had a problem and needed help, but was too afraid to go by herself. I didn't believe that I had a problem. In fact, I thought that my attendance at that meeting was going to be a huge waste of my time. I patiently met the new member greeter, sat through the first part of the meeting, and then quietly listened as the speaker blew me away.
She was a woman in her fifties who sat there and told my story. It was bizarre hearing about my compulsive and interfering mother, my closet eating, my feelings of shame and guilt and worthlessness, my focus on education to make up for my failure at maintaining a normal weight. This woman could have spent the last twenty-seven years of her life watching through my windows.
And then it hit me with a sickening thud. These were my people. I didn't want them to be my people. I didn't want to have a problem. But I walked up to that woman and asked her to be my sponsor that day and left that meeting with the understanding that I belonged in overeaters anonymous. I started an abstinence program the next day and stayed abstinent until I got pregnant.
I had a difficult pregnancy and although soda was on my abstinence, it was the only fluid that would stay in my stomach. I was too sick to drive, and spent most of the pregnancy on bed rest. So I just didn't worry about anything but getting that baby delivered safely at full term.
When my son was born, I felt like that missing piece of my soul was found. It felt like that gaping hole I kept trying to fill with food was suddenly filled with love for my son. So I threw out thoughts of overeaters anonymous and threw out my sponsor's number because I was "cured". I wouldn't need food because I had my son.
But it doesn't work like that. I wasn't cured. I wasn't fine. Whenever I held my son I felt that overflowing love - but eventually my son didn't want to be cuddled all day long. He wanted to crawl and explore the world. He loves me, and I'm his favorite person, but he wants to become his own person now. And magically that gaping hole is no longer full all the time. So I started to fill it up with food once more. While nursing I'd lost my entire pregnancy weight and then an additional twenty pounds. Now I've gained back those twenty pounds and added another twenty for good measure. I'm not back to my pregnancy weight, but without help I'll be back there soon.
So I know now that this is a disease. I can't just will it to be cured. It isn't going to just magically go away, no matter how much I may want it to. I belong here, like it or not.
I've talked to my mother and my best friend about my participation in OA. They both are supportive of me working to lose weight, but they just don't seem to understand that this is a disease. My mother goes on to talk about her own issues with food - and believe me, she has them. But my mother is able to maintain a healthy weight. She does "yo-yo" diet, but her swing is in the five to ten pound range. As far as I know, she does not binge, she does not purge, all she does is eat like a normal person and cut back when she no longer is at a normal weight. I don't think she understands that I just can't do that. Believe me, she's baffled at the fact that I've never managed to get my weight off, and never managed to keep off whatever weight I have lost. She always says "when you want it bad enough, you'll find the will." And that's exactly the problem. I am powerless over this disease.
My best friend takes this as a suggestion that she'll go on a diet with me. This is just a diet club to her, not an actual illness. She doesn't want to accept the notion that there is anything wrong with me other than a lack of determination to lose weight. I think this may be because she also has difficulty losing weight. I suspect she may also be a compulsive overeater. So perhaps she fights against accepting that I am sick because she doesn't want to believe that she is sick as well.
When I first started with OA, my husband was skeptical but wanted to "humor me". Now that he's lived with me off the program, he's a believer. He's watched me suffer and he understands. He's found enough of my random stashes of hidden foods to understand that something is very wrong!
"Being mostly business or professional folk. . ." - xiii
I have a close friend who has always had a weight problem. She's blamed genetics, she's blamed her parent's divorce during childhood, she's blamed finances and time constraints. I used to always believe that her weight problem stemmed from her unwillingness to be uncomfortable. She won't wear under wire bras because they hurt. She changed to an easier major because the other was too hard - she had the mental capacity to succeed, but it just was more work than she was willing to put in. And I saw her weight problem as an extension of this aversion to discomfort.
But I am as heavy as she is. I don't have an aversion to discomfort. I went through eight years of college, and received my law degree from a university that prides itself on being one of the toughest schools around. I work from home, take care of my ten month old son, and manage to have dinner on the table by the time my husband gets home from work. Before my pregnancy I walked half-marathons to help raise money for cancer research, and volunteered as a mentor even though I worked insanely long hours during the week. I am not a lazy person. (My husband may disagree when it comes time to wash the dishes or take out the trash, however. . .)
I am a compulsive overeater. And seeing as how I am able to succeed in other areas of my life, it only seems logical that I would be able to apply the same diligence and fortitude that I have in other areas of my life. Only I can't. And as the Big Book mentioned, I'm not alone in this. This disease doesn't care that I'm educated, or a professional, or a mother, or anything about my willingness to volunteer for a cause. All this disease cares about is getting food from my plate into my stomach. And when the first Big Book was published, the first members were "mostly business or professional folk" - not lazy people, not weak willed people. They were people like me.
Foreword to Second Edition
". . .a New York stockbroker and an Akron physician. . ." - xv
Same thoughts as previous statement.
The first two pages describe the changes which have been made in the different editions of the big book.
Foreword to First Edition
"Many do not comprehend that the [compulsive overeater] is a very sick person." - xiii
I first went to Overeater's Anonymous because a family friend acknowledged that she had a problem and needed help, but was too afraid to go by herself. I didn't believe that I had a problem. In fact, I thought that my attendance at that meeting was going to be a huge waste of my time. I patiently met the new member greeter, sat through the first part of the meeting, and then quietly listened as the speaker blew me away.
She was a woman in her fifties who sat there and told my story. It was bizarre hearing about my compulsive and interfering mother, my closet eating, my feelings of shame and guilt and worthlessness, my focus on education to make up for my failure at maintaining a normal weight. This woman could have spent the last twenty-seven years of her life watching through my windows.
And then it hit me with a sickening thud. These were my people. I didn't want them to be my people. I didn't want to have a problem. But I walked up to that woman and asked her to be my sponsor that day and left that meeting with the understanding that I belonged in overeaters anonymous. I started an abstinence program the next day and stayed abstinent until I got pregnant.
I had a difficult pregnancy and although soda was on my abstinence, it was the only fluid that would stay in my stomach. I was too sick to drive, and spent most of the pregnancy on bed rest. So I just didn't worry about anything but getting that baby delivered safely at full term.
When my son was born, I felt like that missing piece of my soul was found. It felt like that gaping hole I kept trying to fill with food was suddenly filled with love for my son. So I threw out thoughts of overeaters anonymous and threw out my sponsor's number because I was "cured". I wouldn't need food because I had my son.
But it doesn't work like that. I wasn't cured. I wasn't fine. Whenever I held my son I felt that overflowing love - but eventually my son didn't want to be cuddled all day long. He wanted to crawl and explore the world. He loves me, and I'm his favorite person, but he wants to become his own person now. And magically that gaping hole is no longer full all the time. So I started to fill it up with food once more. While nursing I'd lost my entire pregnancy weight and then an additional twenty pounds. Now I've gained back those twenty pounds and added another twenty for good measure. I'm not back to my pregnancy weight, but without help I'll be back there soon.
So I know now that this is a disease. I can't just will it to be cured. It isn't going to just magically go away, no matter how much I may want it to. I belong here, like it or not.
I've talked to my mother and my best friend about my participation in OA. They both are supportive of me working to lose weight, but they just don't seem to understand that this is a disease. My mother goes on to talk about her own issues with food - and believe me, she has them. But my mother is able to maintain a healthy weight. She does "yo-yo" diet, but her swing is in the five to ten pound range. As far as I know, she does not binge, she does not purge, all she does is eat like a normal person and cut back when she no longer is at a normal weight. I don't think she understands that I just can't do that. Believe me, she's baffled at the fact that I've never managed to get my weight off, and never managed to keep off whatever weight I have lost. She always says "when you want it bad enough, you'll find the will." And that's exactly the problem. I am powerless over this disease.
My best friend takes this as a suggestion that she'll go on a diet with me. This is just a diet club to her, not an actual illness. She doesn't want to accept the notion that there is anything wrong with me other than a lack of determination to lose weight. I think this may be because she also has difficulty losing weight. I suspect she may also be a compulsive overeater. So perhaps she fights against accepting that I am sick because she doesn't want to believe that she is sick as well.
When I first started with OA, my husband was skeptical but wanted to "humor me". Now that he's lived with me off the program, he's a believer. He's watched me suffer and he understands. He's found enough of my random stashes of hidden foods to understand that something is very wrong!
"Being mostly business or professional folk. . ." - xiii
I have a close friend who has always had a weight problem. She's blamed genetics, she's blamed her parent's divorce during childhood, she's blamed finances and time constraints. I used to always believe that her weight problem stemmed from her unwillingness to be uncomfortable. She won't wear under wire bras because they hurt. She changed to an easier major because the other was too hard - she had the mental capacity to succeed, but it just was more work than she was willing to put in. And I saw her weight problem as an extension of this aversion to discomfort.
But I am as heavy as she is. I don't have an aversion to discomfort. I went through eight years of college, and received my law degree from a university that prides itself on being one of the toughest schools around. I work from home, take care of my ten month old son, and manage to have dinner on the table by the time my husband gets home from work. Before my pregnancy I walked half-marathons to help raise money for cancer research, and volunteered as a mentor even though I worked insanely long hours during the week. I am not a lazy person. (My husband may disagree when it comes time to wash the dishes or take out the trash, however. . .)
I am a compulsive overeater. And seeing as how I am able to succeed in other areas of my life, it only seems logical that I would be able to apply the same diligence and fortitude that I have in other areas of my life. Only I can't. And as the Big Book mentioned, I'm not alone in this. This disease doesn't care that I'm educated, or a professional, or a mother, or anything about my willingness to volunteer for a cause. All this disease cares about is getting food from my plate into my stomach. And when the first Big Book was published, the first members were "mostly business or professional folk" - not lazy people, not weak willed people. They were people like me.
Foreword to Second Edition
". . .a New York stockbroker and an Akron physician. . ." - xv
Same thoughts as previous statement.
Happy Thursday
It seemed appropriate that I would start this blog on Thanksgiving - the holiday of the glutton. I heard a great thing in my regular Overeaters Anonymous meeting this last week: "Here at OA we have a name for Thanksgiving. It's called Thursday." And really that struck a chord with me. We always hear that others only have power over us if we give them that power, but the same thing is true of days as well.
The 4th Thursday in November. December 25th. January 1st. February 14th. March 17th. July 4th. These are all just calendar days. If you hadn't been told otherwise, you never would have known there was anything special about any of these given days. But magically being near the "holidays" leaves people feeling lonely or depressed. And for compulsive overeaters that fourth Thursday of November is a daunting day of food and temptation. Why? Because we've made it that way.
This is my first abstinent Thanksgiving. My abstinence right now is simple: no soda, no coffee, no beer, no hard liquor, no french fries, no doughnuts. These are all things I just can't handle with any semblance of sanity. The biggest part of my abstinence is the non-food portion: no vomiting, no eating until you feel sick. Stopping when I was full was difficult this year, but I ate each of the foods I love in moderation - avoiding the pitfalls of soda and alcohol - and I felt good about my day.
My first sponsor told me to pick items that "set me off" rather than try to do a highly restrictive abstinence from day one. She felt that starting off with a tough abstinence was a quick trip to failure. That had been her experience and so that was how we worked the program together. My sponsor was wonderful and I'm sad that when I decided to take a break from OA during my pregnancy that we lost touch. I miss her.
But I will be starting a very strict abstinence with a new sponsor in the coming weeks. Next Thursday my husband and I are finally taking the honeymoon that we postponed last year. My new sponsor agreed to start being my sponsor when I get back from that honeymoon (seeing as how week two is a bit early to be battling to stay abstinent on a cruise ship when I'm still learning the rules of the program!)
But there were a number of things that greatly bothered me about agreeing to do this abstinence program. First was the impact this would have upon my husband and son. In the beginning the meals are very uniform from day to day, and I have concerns about how this logistically will work with them. But second, and sadly most importantly, I worried about those "special days". How could I give up my birthday cake? Or Christmas dinner? Most of the rest of the holidays I could live without - but no birthday cake was really something I was stuck on.
My husband told me to order a birthday cake for myself before the abstinence started. We are writing all the numbers between 30 and 90 on that cake, and it will be my birthday cake until I am 90. Because March 23rd is just a calendar date. Sure I was born on a March 23rd, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be anything other than another day on the calendar.
With a little luck and a lot of leaning on others, I think I can do this.
The 4th Thursday in November. December 25th. January 1st. February 14th. March 17th. July 4th. These are all just calendar days. If you hadn't been told otherwise, you never would have known there was anything special about any of these given days. But magically being near the "holidays" leaves people feeling lonely or depressed. And for compulsive overeaters that fourth Thursday of November is a daunting day of food and temptation. Why? Because we've made it that way.
This is my first abstinent Thanksgiving. My abstinence right now is simple: no soda, no coffee, no beer, no hard liquor, no french fries, no doughnuts. These are all things I just can't handle with any semblance of sanity. The biggest part of my abstinence is the non-food portion: no vomiting, no eating until you feel sick. Stopping when I was full was difficult this year, but I ate each of the foods I love in moderation - avoiding the pitfalls of soda and alcohol - and I felt good about my day.
My first sponsor told me to pick items that "set me off" rather than try to do a highly restrictive abstinence from day one. She felt that starting off with a tough abstinence was a quick trip to failure. That had been her experience and so that was how we worked the program together. My sponsor was wonderful and I'm sad that when I decided to take a break from OA during my pregnancy that we lost touch. I miss her.
But I will be starting a very strict abstinence with a new sponsor in the coming weeks. Next Thursday my husband and I are finally taking the honeymoon that we postponed last year. My new sponsor agreed to start being my sponsor when I get back from that honeymoon (seeing as how week two is a bit early to be battling to stay abstinent on a cruise ship when I'm still learning the rules of the program!)
But there were a number of things that greatly bothered me about agreeing to do this abstinence program. First was the impact this would have upon my husband and son. In the beginning the meals are very uniform from day to day, and I have concerns about how this logistically will work with them. But second, and sadly most importantly, I worried about those "special days". How could I give up my birthday cake? Or Christmas dinner? Most of the rest of the holidays I could live without - but no birthday cake was really something I was stuck on.
My husband told me to order a birthday cake for myself before the abstinence started. We are writing all the numbers between 30 and 90 on that cake, and it will be my birthday cake until I am 90. Because March 23rd is just a calendar date. Sure I was born on a March 23rd, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be anything other than another day on the calendar.
With a little luck and a lot of leaning on others, I think I can do this.
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