". . . I would if I could, my friend, but - as it is for me - the problem is within. . ." - For Today, p. 277
"It seems that for most of my life I have been searching for the answer book. In school, there was always one definitive answer, and the teacher had all the answers. Unfortunately, in life there is no one right or wrong way to do something. There are no answer books. . . No one has my answers; they don't even know what the question is. I believe that all my answers are within me. . . . What I have been looking for is not the answer, but the question." - Voices of Recovery, p. 363
There are so many people who keep looking for a magic bullet - some diet or pill or program that's going to make them thin and keep them thin. But as I've heard in program, the weight is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself. Yet my mom - among others - looks at my weight as being an indicator of whether I'm getting healthier. Physically that may be the case, but mentally I am afraid that is not the truth. I've lost and regained the same 40-90 pounds at least 5 times in the last 9 years. That's a problem. So I can lose all the weight I want these next months, but I'm not going to keep it off unless I find the answer to the question. And to find the answer, I need a question first.
That isn't to say I don't have plenty of questions. What makes me want to compulsively eat? Why do I compulsively eat? What triggers my eating? What is the best means of alleviating my compulsion to eat? But what is the question that is going to help me progress? Which question is the one that I need answered before the craziness can abate?
I think I look to the Big Book to give me the magic answer. The blueprint of how to fix whatever is wrong with me. But reading that book isn't going to give me my answers. The more I read, the more I hear about working the steps. I go to meetings and hear "faith without works is dead" - and I nod. But reading this passage, I realized I still am looking for my magic fix. I still want this program to give me the answers. Tell me how to get better.
I purchased a Overeater Anonymous Workbook this week, and I looked at a few of the lists and promptly shut the book. I told myself - I'll work on that when my sponsor tells me to. But I want to get better. I want to work toward a better life. For now I'm going to listen to instructions and follow them - but I know the day is coming when I'm going to need help. . . "The difficulty lies in looking within, something I'm incapable of doing alone. I need the love, help, and support from others." - Voices of Recovery, p. 363.
