12 Steps to Total and Complete Insanity

[A spoof on the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. . .and oh so true!] 

1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.
   
   
2. Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.
   
   
3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.
   
   
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.
   
   
5. Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.
   
   
6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
   
   
7. Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out".
   
   
8. Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.
   
   
9. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.
   
10. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
    
11. Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.
    
12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.

From The ACA Communicator - March 1990 - Omaha, Council Bluffs Area Intergroup

Unpleasant Moments

Said every compulsive overeater, ever. . .

 

 

Sorry I haven't posted much lately!  I'm two days away from six months of abstinence and living a life I never dreamed possible.

Serenity Prayer Part 2

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I am a compulsive overeater.  No matter how long I am abstinent, I will still be a compulsive overeater.  I can't stop being a compulsive overeater any more than I can wake up ten years younger or six inches taller.

The courage to change the things I can.

I don't have to let my disease be fatal.  I am going to be a compulsive overeater no matter what, but I can be an abstinent compulsive overeater.  Yes, it takes courage to become abstinent in a world that has such a poor understanding of the disease, but this is something that I can change. 

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I needed a flash of wisdom to see that it was possible to change myself.  It took wisdom to see that having an eating disorder did not mean that I was doomed to be forever gorging myself to death.  I didn't have to live in that constant state of compulsive overeating torture.  I could choose life.  And I have.

[Adapted from pages 18-19 of Living Sober.]

Staying On The Train

First Bite

Today I wanted to eat those little sugary frosted cookies they sell in the grocery stores for holidays. They are this beautiful floury sugary mush and I love them. It started when thinking of St. Patrick's Day and why we'd need a meeting marathon for that holiday. Then I thought of the cookies. And damn it I wanted one. Badly. I still want one and it's been 7 hours.

I tried all kinds of rationalizing. I said to myself, "[My Sponsor] doesn't need to know if I just ate one cookie. Or not even a full cookie but just a BITE of the cookie. That would be fine. Oh, and you know, I probably could manage one box of them without it impacting anything. The next day I'd be right back on the food plan and no one would need to be the wiser. I could just eat the cookies in the parking lot of the grocery store, toss the carton, toss the receipt, and no one would ever know."

Then that fucker who doesn't want me to enjoy a beautiful box of green frosted shamrock shaped cookies thought, "but that wouldn't be rigorous honesty, and rigorous honesty is how we got to peace." It then went on to remind me how happy I have felt lately. How much energy I have had to do chores and be attentive and playful with my son.

So I thought, "you know, I can just close my eyes and remember how they tasted and felt in my mouth. They can't take that away from me." [Because, you know, everyone in OA is conspiring against me and my cookies.] But it wasn't enough.  I just wanted one bite of cookie.  That was all I needed and I'd throw the box away, scout's honor. [Which is especially convenient since I was never a Girl Scout.]

And I had to go to the grocery store to pick up my husband's medicine. I thought, "I bet they don't even have those cookies yet. It's still February. They won't have them until March. I will just go and check and prove to myself that they aren't even there."

Well God was on my side today.  [One of my daily outreach calls] felt bad we hadn't talked in a few days so she called me as I was in the car on the way to get my husband's medicine. I made it a point to stay on the phone with her the entire time I was in the store. Because I know if I see the cookies I'll buy them.  If I take one bite of that cookie, I'd eat the whole box. Then I would raid the candy aisle. I saw the Starburst licorice sticks today and they looked amazing. I'd eat those next. Then some Mike & Ikes - I miss those. Then I'd keep grazing on sugar until I made myself ill. Ooh, then I'd hit the doughnuts and maybe get some more cookies. And I'd top it off with some garlic bread or maybe just get a whole big sourdough loaf thing and eat it with oil and balsamic vinegar. And Ding Dongs. I'd have to eat a box or two of those.

So really, I think it's easier to just not eat that first bite of cookie.

Yesterday



The Fix

I am sad to say that when I am looking for guru style inspiration, I turn to my favorite blog for a fix.  I love the Big Book and the literature, but there is something a slight bit naughty about finding inspiration in "non-approved literature".  It sounds like something that I should be reading with a flashlight under my covers at night! Only in this case it is a blog by a man who has been over 20 years sober in AA.

The thing I love about speaker meetings is that I almost invariably go away with one sentence that is going to pop back in my head when I most need it.  I heard one speaker refer to these as "God shots" - and he always waited to hear his God shot of the day. [See what I did there?] 

I have learned in my brief time in program that the people with years of abstinence have been absorbing years of God shots that they drop like bread crumbs for us newbies to follow.  Which points out two things: 1) how important it is to have these old timers around to help us youngins, and 2) just how badass and awesome I am going to sound in a few years when I can drop these stolen borrowed gems of wisdom in meetings and blow the minds of the newcomers.

My God shot today came after a discussion with a family friend who is going on 22 years sober in AA.  We were talking about the tendency to replace our addictions.  So of course, up pops a blog entry dealing with the same subject.  The post is about what old timers mean when they say The Road Gets Narrower, and here is the quote that stood out to me:

"When it comes to "fixing" here's the secret, and I learned it the hard way: I will never be able to change how I feel by trying to take something in. I will never be able to let go of the fear or the resentment by consuming -- be it food or goods or people. I cannot fill the hole inside by taking things in -- the only way to shrink the hole is to reverse the flow. It's by giving (of myself, of my time, or my experience, to help others) that I am healed and literally "fixed", that I am filled -- not by taking in."  - Mr. Sponsorpants