God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
I am a compulsive overeater. No matter how long I am abstinent, I will still be a compulsive overeater. I can't stop being a compulsive overeater any more than I can wake up ten years younger or six inches taller.
The courage to change the things I can.
I don't have to let my disease be fatal. I am going to be a compulsive overeater no matter what, but I can be an abstinent compulsive overeater. Yes, it takes courage to become abstinent in a world that has such a poor understanding of the disease, but this is something that I can change.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I needed a flash of wisdom to see that it was possible to change myself. It took wisdom to see that having an eating disorder did not mean that I was doomed to be forever gorging myself to death. I didn't have to live in that constant state of compulsive overeating torture. I could choose life. And I have.
[Adapted from pages 18-19 of Living Sober.]
Friday, March 1, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
First Bite
Today I wanted to eat those little sugary frosted cookies they sell in the grocery stores for holidays. They are this beautiful floury sugary mush and I love them. It started when thinking of St. Patrick's Day and why we'd need a meeting marathon for that holiday. Then I thought of the cookies. And damn it I wanted one. Badly. I still want one and it's been 7 hours.
I tried all kinds of rationalizing. I said to myself, "[My Sponsor] doesn't need to know if I just ate one cookie. Or not even a full cookie but just a BITE of the cookie. That would be fine. Oh, and you know, I probably could manage one box of them without it impacting anything. The next day I'd be right back on the food plan and no one would need to be the wiser. I could just eat the cookies in the parking lot of the grocery store, toss the carton, toss the receipt, and no one would ever know."
Then that fucker who doesn't want me to enjoy a beautiful box of green frosted shamrock shaped cookies thought, "but that wouldn't be rigorous honesty, and rigorous honesty is how we got to peace." It then went on to remind me how happy I have felt lately. How much energy I have had to do chores and be attentive and playful with my son.
So I thought, "you know, I can just close my eyes and remember how they tasted and felt in my mouth. They can't take that away from me." [Because, you know, everyone in OA is conspiring against me and my cookies.] But it wasn't enough. I just wanted one bite of cookie. That was all I needed and I'd throw the box away, scout's honor. [Which is especially convenient since I was never a Girl Scout.]
And I had to go to the grocery store to pick up my husband's medicine. I thought, "I bet they don't even have those cookies yet. It's still February. They won't have them until March. I will just go and check and prove to myself that they aren't even there."
Well God was on my side today. [One of my daily outreach calls] felt bad we hadn't talked in a few days so she called me as I was in the car on the way to get my husband's medicine. I made it a point to stay on the phone with her the entire time I was in the store. Because I know if I see the cookies I'll buy them. If I take one bite of that cookie, I'd eat the whole box. Then I would raid the candy aisle. I saw the Starburst licorice sticks today and they looked amazing. I'd eat those next. Then some Mike & Ikes - I miss those. Then I'd keep grazing on sugar until I made myself ill. Ooh, then I'd hit the doughnuts and maybe get some more cookies. And I'd top it off with some garlic bread or maybe just get a whole big sourdough loaf thing and eat it with oil and balsamic vinegar. And Ding Dongs. I'd have to eat a box or two of those.
So really, I think it's easier to just not eat that first bite of cookie.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
The Fix
I am sad to say that when I am looking for guru style inspiration, I turn to my favorite blog for a fix. I love the Big Book and the literature, but there is something a slight bit naughty about finding inspiration in "non-approved literature". It sounds like something that I should be reading with a flashlight under my covers at night! Only in this case it is a blog by a man who has been over 20 years sober in AA.
The thing I love about speaker meetings is that I almost invariably go away with one sentence that is going to pop back in my head when I most need it. I heard one speaker refer to these as "God shots" - and he always waited to hear his God shot of the day. [See what I did there?]
I have learned in my brief time in program that the people with years of abstinence have been absorbing years of God shots that they drop like bread crumbs for us newbies to follow. Which points out two things: 1) how important it is to have these old timers around to help us youngins, and 2) just how badass and awesome I am going to sound in a few years when I can drop thesestolen borrowed gems of wisdom in meetings and blow the minds of the newcomers.
My God shot today came after a discussion with a family friend who is going on 22 years sober in AA. We were talking about the tendency to replace our addictions. So of course, up pops a blog entry dealing with the same subject. The post is about what old timers mean when they say The Road Gets Narrower, and here is the quote that stood out to me:
"When it comes to "fixing" here's the secret, and I learned it the hard way: I will never be able to change how I feel by trying to take something in. I will never be able to let go of the fear or the resentment by consuming -- be it food or goods or people. I cannot fill the hole inside by taking things in -- the only way to shrink the hole is to reverse the flow. It's by giving (of myself, of my time, or my experience, to help others) that I am healed and literally "fixed", that I am filled -- not by taking in." - Mr. Sponsorpants
The thing I love about speaker meetings is that I almost invariably go away with one sentence that is going to pop back in my head when I most need it. I heard one speaker refer to these as "God shots" - and he always waited to hear his God shot of the day. [See what I did there?]
I have learned in my brief time in program that the people with years of abstinence have been absorbing years of God shots that they drop like bread crumbs for us newbies to follow. Which points out two things: 1) how important it is to have these old timers around to help us youngins, and 2) just how badass and awesome I am going to sound in a few years when I can drop these
My God shot today came after a discussion with a family friend who is going on 22 years sober in AA. We were talking about the tendency to replace our addictions. So of course, up pops a blog entry dealing with the same subject. The post is about what old timers mean when they say The Road Gets Narrower, and here is the quote that stood out to me:
"When it comes to "fixing" here's the secret, and I learned it the hard way: I will never be able to change how I feel by trying to take something in. I will never be able to let go of the fear or the resentment by consuming -- be it food or goods or people. I cannot fill the hole inside by taking things in -- the only way to shrink the hole is to reverse the flow. It's by giving (of myself, of my time, or my experience, to help others) that I am healed and literally "fixed", that I am filled -- not by taking in." - Mr. Sponsorpants
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Knowing How To Listen
Lately I've found that God has been talking to me quite regularly. Not in the literal "I hear God's voice and he told me that he likes cats and cheeseburgers" kind of way, but in the more subtle way that I think he's always tried to speak to me. I just didn't know how to listen.
A few months ago, before I'd even started to contemplate sending my son to preschool, the manager at my grocery store noticed I was buying baby food and mentioned how amazing this one local preschool was. I smiled, thanked him, and waited patiently as he wrote down the name for me. I saved the piece of paper but it was out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Last week, I decided it was about time to do something about that preschool issue. Knowing my brother is one to research everything, I asked where he took my niece for preschool. He said not to send my son to that preschool - the other parents around there are pretty awful but they didn't discover that until my niece had already made friends and they didn't want her to be forced to make new friends at a different preschool. So my sister-in-law told me about the same preschool as the manager of the grocery store!
I call the program and ask for more information. I am now scheduled for a Valentine's Day tour of the school at 10am. While looking at the paperwork she sent me, I thought that the school was probably a bit more money than I wanted to spend. After discussion, my husband agreed. But instead of calling to cancel my spot at the tour I decided to check the school out just in case. I didn't know why I wanted to bother - I'd already decided against it - but I listened to my instinct and went.
I didn't just like the school, I loved the school. Hell, I want to be 2 years old to start with their itty bitty preschool program too! I told my husband what I saw and he was as excited as I was. So we got all the paperwork filled out and turned in. It's in God's hands now whether they take my son. If not this year, then maybe next year!
After the tour of the preschool, I was scheduled to moderate a phone meeting for OA. We were holding a Valentine's Day marathon. The topic was the love of others, so after some thought I decided to pass along the Big Book pages my sponsor assigns for dealing with resentment [the condensed chunk is pages 60-62, 66-67, 417 and 552]. I wasn't sure how the meeting went because only four people were sharing. I'd gotten good stuff out of the meeting, but shrugged and decided that having been of service was good enough for me.
I went to get dinner for my husband and I at my usual drive-thru. For whatever reason, they didn't hear me order my husband's food. So I went to another drive-thru that my husband likes [and isn't abstinent for me] to get him food. Had I been listening, I would have broken one of the twenties in my wallet because I didn't have smaller change for my meeting that night! I had two chances to break that twenty, but I didn't take it!
Later that night [after all the submitting of forms and getting other forms to the doctor's office etc. etc. etc.] I went to meet my sponsor in a farther off meeting. While in the car, the songs on the radio were all ones that I didn't particularly care for. So I switched from station to station to station looking for something to listen to. Finally, I thought about the marathon of meetings. Smiling, I called in. The second share after I signed into the phone meeting was from a woman who had attended my earlier meeting. She mentioned in passing how it had been exactly what she needed to hear and she said it was a wonderful meeting. The woman didn't know I was in call, so this was a huge compliment. It made me feel so much better.
I attended meeting, ended up giving $12 because I hadn't gotten change for that $20 earlier [I figure that will be my contribution for the next few phone meetings - they ask you to give double at your next meeting]. After the meeting, I followed my sponsor to our abstinent restaurant to do some step work in the Big Book. On the drive, I kept thinking about what I was going to do for the marathon meeting I was going to be leading on Monday. Our President's Day theme is service. As my sponsor took me through the preface and forwards, she had me write "service" in the margins next to every portion which discussed the work people did to grow the fellowship and carry the message on - pointing out that these people did this to stay sober. I didn't tell her about the prompt, this just was what she wanted me to be getting from those pages. And on the way home, I smiled and thanked God.
So I attended a tour that I didn't otherwise want to go on because of a hunch - and God showed me that this is where I should send my son. Thank you for giving me an open mind, God!
I was concerned that I hadn't done a good job on my meeting, so God nudges me into the phone call in time to hear one of the women in my call share with others how wonderful my meeting had been. Thank you for allowing me to hear that, God!
You tried to remind me to break that $20. I'm sorry I wasn't listening, God.
I asked you for help preparing for a meeting. Thank you for showing me the way through my sponsor, God!
I never used to believe in a Higher Power that cared about what I was doing or what happened to me. The trick was just knowing how to listen!
A few months ago, before I'd even started to contemplate sending my son to preschool, the manager at my grocery store noticed I was buying baby food and mentioned how amazing this one local preschool was. I smiled, thanked him, and waited patiently as he wrote down the name for me. I saved the piece of paper but it was out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Last week, I decided it was about time to do something about that preschool issue. Knowing my brother is one to research everything, I asked where he took my niece for preschool. He said not to send my son to that preschool - the other parents around there are pretty awful but they didn't discover that until my niece had already made friends and they didn't want her to be forced to make new friends at a different preschool. So my sister-in-law told me about the same preschool as the manager of the grocery store!
I call the program and ask for more information. I am now scheduled for a Valentine's Day tour of the school at 10am. While looking at the paperwork she sent me, I thought that the school was probably a bit more money than I wanted to spend. After discussion, my husband agreed. But instead of calling to cancel my spot at the tour I decided to check the school out just in case. I didn't know why I wanted to bother - I'd already decided against it - but I listened to my instinct and went.
I didn't just like the school, I loved the school. Hell, I want to be 2 years old to start with their itty bitty preschool program too! I told my husband what I saw and he was as excited as I was. So we got all the paperwork filled out and turned in. It's in God's hands now whether they take my son. If not this year, then maybe next year!
After the tour of the preschool, I was scheduled to moderate a phone meeting for OA. We were holding a Valentine's Day marathon. The topic was the love of others, so after some thought I decided to pass along the Big Book pages my sponsor assigns for dealing with resentment [the condensed chunk is pages 60-62, 66-67, 417 and 552]. I wasn't sure how the meeting went because only four people were sharing. I'd gotten good stuff out of the meeting, but shrugged and decided that having been of service was good enough for me.
I went to get dinner for my husband and I at my usual drive-thru. For whatever reason, they didn't hear me order my husband's food. So I went to another drive-thru that my husband likes [and isn't abstinent for me] to get him food. Had I been listening, I would have broken one of the twenties in my wallet because I didn't have smaller change for my meeting that night! I had two chances to break that twenty, but I didn't take it!
Later that night [after all the submitting of forms and getting other forms to the doctor's office etc. etc. etc.] I went to meet my sponsor in a farther off meeting. While in the car, the songs on the radio were all ones that I didn't particularly care for. So I switched from station to station to station looking for something to listen to. Finally, I thought about the marathon of meetings. Smiling, I called in. The second share after I signed into the phone meeting was from a woman who had attended my earlier meeting. She mentioned in passing how it had been exactly what she needed to hear and she said it was a wonderful meeting. The woman didn't know I was in call, so this was a huge compliment. It made me feel so much better.
I attended meeting, ended up giving $12 because I hadn't gotten change for that $20 earlier [I figure that will be my contribution for the next few phone meetings - they ask you to give double at your next meeting]. After the meeting, I followed my sponsor to our abstinent restaurant to do some step work in the Big Book. On the drive, I kept thinking about what I was going to do for the marathon meeting I was going to be leading on Monday. Our President's Day theme is service. As my sponsor took me through the preface and forwards, she had me write "service" in the margins next to every portion which discussed the work people did to grow the fellowship and carry the message on - pointing out that these people did this to stay sober. I didn't tell her about the prompt, this just was what she wanted me to be getting from those pages. And on the way home, I smiled and thanked God.
So I attended a tour that I didn't otherwise want to go on because of a hunch - and God showed me that this is where I should send my son. Thank you for giving me an open mind, God!
I was concerned that I hadn't done a good job on my meeting, so God nudges me into the phone call in time to hear one of the women in my call share with others how wonderful my meeting had been. Thank you for allowing me to hear that, God!
You tried to remind me to break that $20. I'm sorry I wasn't listening, God.
I asked you for help preparing for a meeting. Thank you for showing me the way through my sponsor, God!
I never used to believe in a Higher Power that cared about what I was doing or what happened to me. The trick was just knowing how to listen!
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