So I love my oatmeal. I save it as my last meal of the day because it sits so nicely in my stomach as I go to bed and soothes me right to sleep.
Tonight as I was eating oatmeal, a bit fell onto the ground. So I picked it up and was going to eat it - just had to pick that one stray dog hair off of it. And then I stopped and said "eew - what the hell are you doing?"
One month ago I totally would have eaten that piece of oatmeal [after picking out the hair]. I never would have even stopped to think about how gross that is. I decided tonight that I didn't have to. I'm not sure if it's progress, but it sure is a tiny bit less gross.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
We Have Recovered
Working with my sponsor, I have made the first run through Section I of the Big Book and I'm now making my second round. At first I believed it would be a futile exercise - I read it carefully the first time through. . . what did she think I was missing?!? But I didn't argue - mine is not to wonder why, mine is but to do or die. [Literally.]
I went through the preface, nodding with my great wisdom born of a whopping 38 days of abstinence! Then I got to the first sentence of the Foreword to the First Edition and it stopped me cold.
"We of [Overeater's] Anonymous . . . have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." I am not recovered yet. I am far from recovered. But when I first read that sentence I glossed over it. It meant nothing to me - I wanted to get to the meat. I wanted the answers. But I missed the first and most important answer of all: this malady is only seemingly hopeless.
I had envisioned a pitched battle with this disease that would go on the rest of my life, with abstinence held together only by duct tape and a bent paper clip MacGyver style. I never imagined that in less than a month the miracle would happen. I honestly didn't understand what "the miracle" meant. In my mind I thought it was just the weight loss. It never occurred to me that something actually miraculous would occur!
The miracle is clarity of mind. The insanity that rages constantly in my mind tuned down the volume from a 10 to a 1. It is still there, and Marion - my disease - is constantly lurking and waiting for the opportunity to jump back into dominance. But for now, she is silent.
I was right in a sense - there is a pitched battle going on for my life, and Marion wants to kill me. But this is only a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. If I follow directions, work the steps, and keep coming back she is going to be held at bay. And there is absolutely a pitched battle going on, but it isn't being held together by duct tape and a bent paper clip. It is being silently waged in the background, and as long as I make sure my Higher Power's voice and my sponsor's voice are coming through loud and clear it's going to stay that way.
That is the miracle. Thank God.
I went through the preface, nodding with my great wisdom born of a whopping 38 days of abstinence! Then I got to the first sentence of the Foreword to the First Edition and it stopped me cold.
"We of [Overeater's] Anonymous . . . have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." I am not recovered yet. I am far from recovered. But when I first read that sentence I glossed over it. It meant nothing to me - I wanted to get to the meat. I wanted the answers. But I missed the first and most important answer of all: this malady is only seemingly hopeless.
I had envisioned a pitched battle with this disease that would go on the rest of my life, with abstinence held together only by duct tape and a bent paper clip MacGyver style. I never imagined that in less than a month the miracle would happen. I honestly didn't understand what "the miracle" meant. In my mind I thought it was just the weight loss. It never occurred to me that something actually miraculous would occur!
The miracle is clarity of mind. The insanity that rages constantly in my mind tuned down the volume from a 10 to a 1. It is still there, and Marion - my disease - is constantly lurking and waiting for the opportunity to jump back into dominance. But for now, she is silent.
I was right in a sense - there is a pitched battle going on for my life, and Marion wants to kill me. But this is only a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. If I follow directions, work the steps, and keep coming back she is going to be held at bay. And there is absolutely a pitched battle going on, but it isn't being held together by duct tape and a bent paper clip. It is being silently waged in the background, and as long as I make sure my Higher Power's voice and my sponsor's voice are coming through loud and clear it's going to stay that way.
That is the miracle. Thank God.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Oatmeal Wars
When I did my thirty day weigh in, I discovered I'd lost 16.6 pounds. My husband, seeing the results, announced that he would follow my diet as well to lose some of the weight he has gained. I am obviously supportive. In the past two years he has gained thirty pounds, and he was already about thirty pounds overweight then. He went from a size L to a size 2X.
The problem is, his interpretation of "follow my diet" is have me prepare his meals for him. There are some aspects I don't mind. For instance, I was already packaging up the chicken and rice into correct sized servings. It was not difficult to place them together in a tupperware container for his lunch. (Although the principle that he is unwilling to measure his own meat and rice does bother me.)
But he won't make oatmeal in the morning. The process of oatmeal is as follows: add 2 cups water to 1 cup oatmeal in a bowl. Microwave 2 minutes. Stir. Microwave 1 minute. Stir. Let it cool. Add banana. Eat. That is too much for him to manage in the morning. Instead, he wants to drive to McDonald's and get an Egg McMuffin. I will agree - an Egg McMuffin is far tastier than unseasoned oatmeal sans milk. But he acts as though he is saving huge quantities of time by waiting in line for the drive-thru. It takes about ten minutes to get the food and get to work. He is not saving any time by avoiding the oatmeal, and he is spending more money than he needs to (and we are most certainly on a tight budget).
The part that upsets me about this is how much pressure he has placed on my shoulders to make sure he has his food. If I don't have his lunch packed for him and I don't have his oatmeal made for him, then he's going to not be able to follow the diet (heaven forbid he should drive four blocks to El Pollo Loco at lunch to get his own chicken) and will continue to gain weight and move closer and closer to the diabetes that runs in his family.
So I will be praying to my higher power tonight to help with this resentment. I am going to see this as my service to him, and part of making amends for all the times I am snippy with him. Hopefully that helps.
The problem is, his interpretation of "follow my diet" is have me prepare his meals for him. There are some aspects I don't mind. For instance, I was already packaging up the chicken and rice into correct sized servings. It was not difficult to place them together in a tupperware container for his lunch. (Although the principle that he is unwilling to measure his own meat and rice does bother me.)
But he won't make oatmeal in the morning. The process of oatmeal is as follows: add 2 cups water to 1 cup oatmeal in a bowl. Microwave 2 minutes. Stir. Microwave 1 minute. Stir. Let it cool. Add banana. Eat. That is too much for him to manage in the morning. Instead, he wants to drive to McDonald's and get an Egg McMuffin. I will agree - an Egg McMuffin is far tastier than unseasoned oatmeal sans milk. But he acts as though he is saving huge quantities of time by waiting in line for the drive-thru. It takes about ten minutes to get the food and get to work. He is not saving any time by avoiding the oatmeal, and he is spending more money than he needs to (and we are most certainly on a tight budget).
The part that upsets me about this is how much pressure he has placed on my shoulders to make sure he has his food. If I don't have his lunch packed for him and I don't have his oatmeal made for him, then he's going to not be able to follow the diet (heaven forbid he should drive four blocks to El Pollo Loco at lunch to get his own chicken) and will continue to gain weight and move closer and closer to the diabetes that runs in his family.
So I will be praying to my higher power tonight to help with this resentment. I am going to see this as my service to him, and part of making amends for all the times I am snippy with him. Hopefully that helps.
Monday, January 14, 2013
At Home Chicken And Rice Is Nice!
For those who are interested, here is the recipe:
Chicken
Chef Merito chicken seasoning: This seasoning can be purchased in the Mexican
Food section of almost any grocery store. I purchased mine at Food 4 Less.
3 TBS Chef Merito Chicken Seasoning
2 C. Orange Juice
1 C. Lemon Juice
2 C. Canola Oil
Place ingredients in blender on low speed.
Marinade for 4 hours or overnight if using chicken with skin.
If you are using boneless skinless chicken breasts, this marinade will cover 2 packs of chicken from the store. Lay the chicken out in 2 pyrex baking dishes and pour the marinade over the chicken.
Then preheat the oven to 375 - the amount of time this takes is just about the right amount of marinade time.
Bake the chicken for 50 minutes.
Remove from oven and place in large frying pan [I used the rice pan] - add in marinade and cook an additional 5 minutes or so until cooked to your liking. You may also barbeque the chicken or cook in broil setting for the last few minutes instead.
Rice Preparation:
Prepare the following ingredients and set aside:
1. 3 Cups of water
2. 2.5 Cups of Long Grain Rice
3. 2 TBSP of Knorr Chicken Flavor Bouillon
4. 1 TBSP Garlic Powder
5. 1 TBSP Pepper
6. 2 8oz. cans of Tomato Sauce
7. If desired, add diced tomatoes and onion.
8. 1 TBSP Chili Powder
9. ½ TBSP Cumin
10. 1 TBSP Onion Powder
In a Teflon pot or big Teflon frying pan with a cover add a little canola oil with
the rice. Don’t add too much oil, you’re just trying to saturate the rice not
deep fry it.
Set your flame on high and continually move the rice around until
it browns. Remember, just brown it; it shouldn’t be get dark brown. It seems to be about right when you get a popcorn-like smell from the pan.
Add your water completely, then add tomato sauce.
Finally, add the remaining ingredients.
Continue to stir on high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat cover and simmer for
35 minutes. Fluff with a fork and serve.
To save on dishes, I let the chicken hang out in the marinade while the rice cooled a bit. I then measured the rice into 3/4 cup servings and placed in ziplock baggies for storage until the pot was empty. Then I finished cooking the chicken as well. The serving size for chicken is 6 ounces.
Chicken
Chef Merito chicken seasoning: This seasoning can be purchased in the Mexican
Food section of almost any grocery store. I purchased mine at Food 4 Less.
3 TBS Chef Merito Chicken Seasoning
2 C. Orange Juice
1 C. Lemon Juice
2 C. Canola Oil
Place ingredients in blender on low speed.
Marinade for 4 hours or overnight if using chicken with skin.
If you are using boneless skinless chicken breasts, this marinade will cover 2 packs of chicken from the store. Lay the chicken out in 2 pyrex baking dishes and pour the marinade over the chicken.
Then preheat the oven to 375 - the amount of time this takes is just about the right amount of marinade time.
Bake the chicken for 50 minutes.
Remove from oven and place in large frying pan [I used the rice pan] - add in marinade and cook an additional 5 minutes or so until cooked to your liking. You may also barbeque the chicken or cook in broil setting for the last few minutes instead.
Rice Preparation:
Prepare the following ingredients and set aside:
1. 3 Cups of water
2. 2.5 Cups of Long Grain Rice
3. 2 TBSP of Knorr Chicken Flavor Bouillon
4. 1 TBSP Garlic Powder
5. 1 TBSP Pepper
6. 2 8oz. cans of Tomato Sauce
7. If desired, add diced tomatoes and onion.
8. 1 TBSP Chili Powder
9. ½ TBSP Cumin
10. 1 TBSP Onion Powder
In a Teflon pot or big Teflon frying pan with a cover add a little canola oil with
the rice. Don’t add too much oil, you’re just trying to saturate the rice not
deep fry it.
Set your flame on high and continually move the rice around until
it browns. Remember, just brown it; it shouldn’t be get dark brown. It seems to be about right when you get a popcorn-like smell from the pan.
Add your water completely, then add tomato sauce.
Finally, add the remaining ingredients.
Continue to stir on high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat cover and simmer for
35 minutes. Fluff with a fork and serve.
To save on dishes, I let the chicken hang out in the marinade while the rice cooled a bit. I then measured the rice into 3/4 cup servings and placed in ziplock baggies for storage until the pot was empty. Then I finished cooking the chicken as well. The serving size for chicken is 6 ounces.
Jealousy
Last night I made a recipe my sponsor gave me for chicken and rice. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to eat a plate before it was time to go to my meeting so I let my husband graze and grabbed some El Pollo Loco. This morning, I put together my pre-measured plate of food and discovered how incredibly delicious the chicken and rice plate is!
Then I realized my husband was having this chicken and rice for lunch and felt an insane surge of jealousy. Yes, I was jealous of my husband for getting to eat the exact same chicken and rice that was sitting in front of me. I stopped a moment, recognized the crazy, and had a good chuckle.
Then I realized my husband was having this chicken and rice for lunch and felt an insane surge of jealousy. Yes, I was jealous of my husband for getting to eat the exact same chicken and rice that was sitting in front of me. I stopped a moment, recognized the crazy, and had a good chuckle.
Wisdom
"It is only the ego that compares. Wisdom does not compare, wisdom simply knows everything is as it is supposed to be." - Rev. Danielle Marie Hewitt
I attended a meeting this evening at an interesting spiritual center. So, curious, I began to look further into the spiritual center and the type of faith services that they offer. During a meditation period, I heard the reverend make this comment and thought I'd share.
I attended a meeting this evening at an interesting spiritual center. So, curious, I began to look further into the spiritual center and the type of faith services that they offer. During a meditation period, I heard the reverend make this comment and thought I'd share.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Red Light, Green Light and the Inventory
When I first came into OA, I grabbed a sponsor my first meeting. The first thing she discussed was making an inventory of red light, yellow light, and green light foods. Red light foods were those which I knew I could not eat safely. Yellow light foods were those that I would have to be cautious around. Green light foods were those foods I could eat without fear of triggering compulsive overeating.
A few weeks ago I purchased a workbook at my Thursday night meeting. I turned to the first page and read the prompt before deciding to wait for instruction from my sponsor to begin this workbook. But the past weeks I have been thinking about that prompt, and for me the thoughts don't really go away until I let them go (i.e. write them down).
The prompt reads: "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
This isn't going to be a full response to that prompt, but this prompt made me think about why my work with my first sponsor was doomed to fail. Everything is a red or yellow light food! I have managed to binge at least once on all of the following [and by binge I mean overeat to an extreme degree often resulting in physical illness or extreme discomfort]:
Meats
grilled chicken breast
chicken/turkey cold cuts
bologna
hot dogs
sausage
(turkey) bacon
steak
ground beef
ground turkey
meatballs
beef jerky
ground lamb
lamb/chicken/beef kebab
Dairy
cheese [everything from goats cheese and brie to cheddar and pepper jack]
(Greek) yogurt
ice cream [not sure that should really count as dairy]
cottage cheese
sour cream [have sat down with a spoon to eat this before]
cream cheese [although I did add some sugar to it before I ate it]
eggs [scrambled, poached, over medium, hard boiled, medium boiled]
Breads/Grains
All [everything from bread to oatmeal to falafel and more]
Fruits
apples [which was a terrible idea since I am allergic to them]
(dry) apricots
avocado
bananas
blueberries
cherries
coconut
grapes
honeydew
mandarin
cantaloupe [also an allergically bad idea - I thought my mouth would never stop itching]
watermelon
nectarine
orange
peach
pear
plums
pineapple
salsa [of various origins - yum]
strawberry
tangerine
Vegetables
artichoke [that was a painful binge. . .]
black beans
chickpeas
green beans
kidney beans
lentils
pinto beans
soy beans
peas
broccoli
cabbage [another terrible idea intestinally speaking]
cauliflower [amazingly tasty with lemon juice]
celery [an unpleasant binge since I hate celery - but I ate it all anyway]
corn
okra
yellow & orange bell pepper
pepperochinis [that was some awful heart burn]
beets
carrots
pickled turnips [so tasty, but so painful in large quantities]
spinach
cucumber
zucchini
pumpkin
potato
sweet potato
yam
water chestnuts
Sweets
All
I have even binged on juices, soda, energy drinks, coffee, tea, and once drank so much water that I threw my electrolites completely out of whack.
That isn't to say I even like all the foods I've binged on. While a lot of my binging is related to the foods I like to eat, it isn't always about the food. Sometimes it is about that feeling of being painfully full - full to the point of vomiting. As in the above-mentioned celery binge, it was about inflicting punishment upon myself.
A food plan based upon avoiding trigger foods is nearly impossible when everything is a trigger. That's why my own food plan - eating virtually the same thing every day - works for me. There is no need to think or plan or be at the mercy of my binges. I eat my food and leave it at that. In the simplicity I [usually] find peace.
A few weeks ago I purchased a workbook at my Thursday night meeting. I turned to the first page and read the prompt before deciding to wait for instruction from my sponsor to begin this workbook. But the past weeks I have been thinking about that prompt, and for me the thoughts don't really go away until I let them go (i.e. write them down).
The prompt reads: "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
This isn't going to be a full response to that prompt, but this prompt made me think about why my work with my first sponsor was doomed to fail. Everything is a red or yellow light food! I have managed to binge at least once on all of the following [and by binge I mean overeat to an extreme degree often resulting in physical illness or extreme discomfort]:
Meats
grilled chicken breast
chicken/turkey cold cuts
bologna
hot dogs
sausage
(turkey) bacon
steak
ground beef
ground turkey
meatballs
beef jerky
ground lamb
lamb/chicken/beef kebab
Dairy
cheese [everything from goats cheese and brie to cheddar and pepper jack]
(Greek) yogurt
ice cream [not sure that should really count as dairy]
cottage cheese
sour cream [have sat down with a spoon to eat this before]
cream cheese [although I did add some sugar to it before I ate it]
eggs [scrambled, poached, over medium, hard boiled, medium boiled]
Breads/Grains
All [everything from bread to oatmeal to falafel and more]
Fruits
apples [which was a terrible idea since I am allergic to them]
(dry) apricots
avocado
bananas
blueberries
cherries
coconut
grapes
honeydew
mandarin
cantaloupe [also an allergically bad idea - I thought my mouth would never stop itching]
watermelon
nectarine
orange
peach
pear
plums
pineapple
salsa [of various origins - yum]
strawberry
tangerine
Vegetables
artichoke [that was a painful binge. . .]
black beans
chickpeas
green beans
kidney beans
lentils
pinto beans
soy beans
peas
broccoli
cabbage [another terrible idea intestinally speaking]
cauliflower [amazingly tasty with lemon juice]
celery [an unpleasant binge since I hate celery - but I ate it all anyway]
corn
okra
yellow & orange bell pepper
pepperochinis [that was some awful heart burn]
beets
carrots
pickled turnips [so tasty, but so painful in large quantities]
spinach
cucumber
zucchini
pumpkin
potato
sweet potato
yam
water chestnuts
Sweets
All
I have even binged on juices, soda, energy drinks, coffee, tea, and once drank so much water that I threw my electrolites completely out of whack.
That isn't to say I even like all the foods I've binged on. While a lot of my binging is related to the foods I like to eat, it isn't always about the food. Sometimes it is about that feeling of being painfully full - full to the point of vomiting. As in the above-mentioned celery binge, it was about inflicting punishment upon myself.
A food plan based upon avoiding trigger foods is nearly impossible when everything is a trigger. That's why my own food plan - eating virtually the same thing every day - works for me. There is no need to think or plan or be at the mercy of my binges. I eat my food and leave it at that. In the simplicity I [usually] find peace.
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